You are now an adult. Not a child living under their parents roof. As an adult, you are entitled to respect. You need to tall Dad you can no longer tolerate his yelling at you. That every time he does, you will stop what your doing and leave the house or hang up the phone. Look up the "grey rock" method. You maybe able to use it. He needs you more than you need him.
I just looked up CKD didability. CKD stands for Chronic Kidney desease and seems you can get Social Security Disability or SSI which is a supplimental income.
You are probably not going to be able caring for Dad as your desease progresses. From what I understand, dialysis does a number on people. I would not move in with this man or him move in with you. I hope u receive your disability and become somewhat financially independent. Dad really should consider going into an AL. Does he know how ill ur?
You will see variations of this kind of question posted SO OFTEN, but the answer really is fairly straightforward.
However your father or mother or whoever you care for treated you at another stage of life, the fact that they now function with a progressively and non fixably damaged brain means that YOU must attempt to let YOUR expectations reflect the fact that as of now, in YOUR present, they are not able to speak to you in typical rational person to person discourse.
People with cognitive failure say whatever they are able to produce verbally with no filter.
Whether you let what they say be about you or you don’t, IT NEVER IS, because progressing neurological failure has taken that skill away from them.
It takes TWO to argue, and HE’S NOT WHOLLY THERE. Make it your job to be a nonparticipant in HIS STUFF.
You can learn to do this, AND HE CAN’T LEARN AT ALL.
Do this. It WILL help, because YOU can reason with YOURSELF.
I'm dealing with the same problem, but my mom lives with me, and I have to hear her scream, complain, and verbally abuse me any time I’m home. She has mental decline and is likely bipolar. She has caused me a lot of grief and gets into it with our neighbors because she is paranoid and thinks everyone is out to get her.
If you don’t share the same roof with him, there are ways to disengage, as other people have pointed out. If you are living with him or acting as a part-time caregiver, ignoring or walking away is tougher because it could make him angrier. My mother still sees herself as an authoritative figure who demands respect, and she treats me like a child who should be disciplined if I give her a bad attitude. I regret ever thinking it would be okay to live with her again.
I can only say don’t move in/have him move in if that hasn’t happened already. The only real solution is to find another caregiver. If that isn’t feasible or affordable, you need to get him to a doctor for a professional opinion as to why he is acting this way. Like my mother, he may have bipolar. He can also be tested for dementia and other disorders, and prescribed medication to stabilize his mood.
I'm also an only child and it can be very tough shouldering these problems alone. An additional person to shoulder the responsibility would be extremely helpful. Someone already mentioned Area Agency on Aging. There is a very long waiting list, but they provide certain qualified individuals with an assistant who comes in once a week to help with laundry, cooking, and cleaning. This could be helpful in giving you a break so you can reduce your visits. Even a one-day reprieve could be immensely helpful in maintaining your sanity.
SingleChildHelp, you wrote this over a year ago: "I am looking forward to the day I have my freedom back and don't have to endure daily mental and sometimes physical abuse from my awful mother. Today she punched me in the mouth after she was upset with the way I held something while we were working on a simple home DIY. She calls me fat, ugly, a dumb b****, and even racial epithets. She's not that far gone yet and I dread that I may have to deal with her for another decade or longer."
Why isn't your mother's abuse reason enough to get her out of your house? Have you considered ways to get her out of your house? It seems like a miserable, abusive existence for you when you are not at your job.
Well, he cannot walk all over you unless you are laying on the ground. You do not have to listen to him, when he starts hang up and do it every time.
No one has the right to abuse another person whether it be physically or verbally.
I do not know what CKD disability is but it appears that you are concerned that he can do something about your getting this.
One thing I do know is I would never live with him, I would live in a box under a bridge first. I have no interest in being involved in a toxic relationship, family or no family.
You can call for the suggested needs assessment. Tell dad it’s for you, a necessary part of you being able to help him. No arguing. And please walk away each and every time he’s rude and demanding. Or if on the phone, say “we’ll talk when you’re acting more positive” and hang up. Dad being old and feeling bad is no excuse to be mean to you. You deserve better, so learn to expect no less. Yelling =no help. Make a plan for the future, even if he won’t, know when exactly for you his caregiving needs will be too much. Please guard you own well being and don’t sacrifice it in service to dad, you both lose in that scenario
Ya know how fish get caught? ....They take the bait. don't take the bait when your dad starts yelling or starts verbally abusing you. Walk away. Leave the room or the house. (make sure it is safe to do so) Hang up the phone. Get ear buds or noise cancelling headphones. The urge to come back with a rebuttal is instinctual. It is much easier to reason with someone in a quiet calm manner. If you raise your voice his will just get louder. Try another tactic. Lower your voice and talk in a quiet manner and slower.
It sounds like he would be better with a walker rather than a cane. If he is still "furniture surfing" with a cane maybe he needs the support a walker would give.
Contact your local Senior Center see if they have a Social Worker that can help determine what his needs are. Area Agency on Aging may help as well. If your dad is a Veteran contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission or your States Department of Veterans' Affairs. (Wisconsin Department of Veterans' Affairs in your case) If he is a Veteran he may qualify for other benefits. And the VA may pay you to care for him. (you mentioned dad is paying you but this may help as well)
I am concerned for your health at this point I do hope that you are getting the care that you need. You also need to make a decision at what point can you no longer SAFELY care for him. If caring for him puts you in a position that your health will suffer you need to find help if moving him to Assisted Living is not an option.
How do you react when he yells? Often they do that to get what they want. My father would do this on a rare occasion. I would yell back. He would not intimidate me. But my yelling back sure intimidated him.
I have begun to yell back...If it's over the phone he says goodbye and hangs up. In person I have only attempt to calm him down, and say to myself he is old and can't help it, but I can't take it anymore.
Welcome, MS! Your profile says that you are ill with Chronic Kidney Disease and that your dad "chose" you to care for him. And that you have no training.
1. What are dad's impairments that he needs care?
2. Has he had a "needs assessment " by the local Area Agency on Aging or other professional so that he has a "care plan" that you can both agree to?
3. Are you being adequately compensated for your time?
I agree with CW that telling him that you won't stay when he verbally abuses you is wise. Is he moody/agitated/depressed? If so, I would have him seen by a geriatric psychiatrist.
4. What is your plan for when he needs more care than one chronically ill person can give? Are you aware of Medicaid regs in your state?
HI Barb, thank you! Your questions really hit home with me... He has mobility issues. Even when he is at home. He leans on walls for support and uses a cane. He has not yet has had a needs assessment, and is probably to stubborn to get one. He is adequately paying me for my help... He is extremely moody/agitated and depressed and will see his primary if absolutely necessary, but he is generally to stubborn to get medical assistance. Let alone a phycologist. He wants to stay out of a nursing home as long as possible Even if means I where to move in with him, but he knows he might need a nursing home eventually. We really don't have a care plan other than to visit him a couple times a week and put groceries away, do some light cleaning, run any errands and get stuff done around his house. Also to be on call in case he falls down. Which he has, and he gave me a real hard time when I made him call his doctor. I am financially dependent on him till I am approved for CKD disability and I am scared I might damage our relationship if I am too stern with him. No I am not aware of my States medicaid regulations.
Whenever he raises his voice walk away, hang up the phone or do whatever you need to do to disengage - "I'm not gonna argue and I'm done talking to you when you act like this", then go.
I just looked up CKD didability. CKD stands for Chronic Kidney desease and seems you can get Social Security Disability or SSI which is a supplimental income.
You are probably not going to be able caring for Dad as your desease progresses. From what I understand, dialysis does a number on people. I would not move in with this man or him move in with you. I hope u receive your disability and become somewhat financially independent. Dad really should consider going into an AL. Does he know how ill ur?
However your father or mother or whoever you care for treated you at another stage of life, the fact that they now function with a progressively and non fixably damaged brain means that YOU must attempt to let YOUR expectations reflect the fact that as of now, in YOUR present, they are not able to speak to you in typical rational person to person discourse.
People with cognitive failure say whatever they are able to produce verbally with no filter.
Whether you let what they say be about you or you don’t, IT NEVER IS, because progressing neurological failure has taken that skill away from them.
It takes TWO to argue, and HE’S NOT WHOLLY THERE. Make it your job to be a nonparticipant in HIS STUFF.
You can learn to do this, AND HE CAN’T LEARN AT ALL.
Do this. It WILL help, because YOU can reason with YOURSELF.
Hoping you find peace.
If you don’t share the same roof with him, there are ways to disengage, as other people have pointed out. If you are living with him or acting as a part-time caregiver, ignoring or walking away is tougher because it could make him angrier. My mother still sees herself as an authoritative figure who demands respect, and she treats me like a child who should be disciplined if I give her a bad attitude. I regret ever thinking it would be okay to live with her again.
I can only say don’t move in/have him move in if that hasn’t happened already. The only real solution is to find another caregiver. If that isn’t feasible or affordable, you need to get him to a doctor for a professional opinion as to why he is acting this way. Like my mother, he may have bipolar. He can also be tested for dementia and other disorders, and prescribed medication to stabilize his mood.
I'm also an only child and it can be very tough shouldering these problems alone. An additional person to shoulder the responsibility would be extremely helpful. Someone already mentioned Area Agency on Aging. There is a very long waiting list, but they provide certain qualified individuals with an assistant who comes in once a week to help with laundry, cooking, and cleaning. This could be helpful in giving you a break so you can reduce your visits. Even a one-day reprieve could be immensely helpful in maintaining your sanity.
Why isn't your mother's abuse reason enough to get her out of your house? Have you considered ways to get her out of your house? It seems like a miserable, abusive existence for you when you are not at your job.
No one has the right to abuse another person whether it be physically or verbally.
I do not know what CKD disability is but it appears that you are concerned that he can do something about your getting this.
One thing I do know is I would never live with him, I would live in a box under a bridge first. I have no interest in being involved in a toxic relationship, family or no family.
Turns out I didn't actually.
I am no longer 'the help'. At all.
I am a visitor.
Either he hires help or goes to assisted living .
don't take the bait when your dad starts yelling or starts verbally abusing you.
Walk away. Leave the room or the house. (make sure it is safe to do so)
Hang up the phone.
Get ear buds or noise cancelling headphones.
The urge to come back with a rebuttal is instinctual.
It is much easier to reason with someone in a quiet calm manner.
If you raise your voice his will just get louder. Try another tactic. Lower your voice and talk in a quiet manner and slower.
It sounds like he would be better with a walker rather than a cane. If he is still "furniture surfing" with a cane maybe he needs the support a walker would give.
Contact your local Senior Center see if they have a Social Worker that can help determine what his needs are.
Area Agency on Aging may help as well.
If your dad is a Veteran contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission or your States Department of Veterans' Affairs. (Wisconsin Department of Veterans' Affairs in your case)
If he is a Veteran he may qualify for other benefits. And the VA may pay you to care for him. (you mentioned dad is paying you but this may help as well)
I am concerned for your health at this point I do hope that you are getting the care that you need.
You also need to make a decision at what point can you no longer SAFELY care for him. If caring for him puts you in a position that your health will suffer you need to find help if moving him to Assisted Living is not an option.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
if you can’t yell back, walk away.
1. What are dad's impairments that he needs care?
2. Has he had a "needs assessment " by the local Area Agency on Aging or other professional so that he has a "care plan" that you can both agree to?
3. Are you being adequately compensated for your time?
I agree with CW that telling him that you won't stay when he verbally abuses you is wise. Is he moody/agitated/depressed? If so, I would have him seen by a geriatric psychiatrist.
4. What is your plan for when he needs more care than one chronically ill person can give? Are you aware of Medicaid regs in your state?