Please shed some light on this for me, offer advice or just commiserate with me if nothing else because this is making me crazy.
Mom is 78 and widowed. Her husband of 37 years died in 2021 from covid and since then she has steadily become more and more helpless while also seeming to cling to victimhood like no tomorrow. I will explain about the issue that has been the biggest problem for the sake of brevity, but there is always a reason why she cannot function virtually at all....but it is underhandedly intentional.
She injured her foot many years ago and her heel has never been quite the same. It is/was a legitimate injury and it has been getting worse for years, to the point where walking and standing are almost not doable. She would complain to anyone that would listen about how much pain she was in and how she needed her kids (me, my brother and his wife) to help her. My brother and SIL already manage almost everything for her, from sorting through her mail to handling all of her bills, accounts, property taxes and house repairs/services. But then when all this pain began she needed me to clean her kitchen, drive her to the grocery store and whatever else. Now is a good time to mention that she has a top-tier medical insurance plan and can see any specialist she wants for her issues.
OK so logic would tell you that all she needs to do is find a good orthopedist, make an appointment and go from there, right? Wrong. She would make every excuse in the book as to why she couldn't call the doctor. She was too tired. It was too much trouble. She didn't know the number. She needed to make sure my SIL thought it was a good doctor. She needs someone to "sit with her" if she is going to attempt a phone call (yes she said this). This went on for TWO YEARS! And that's not even the worst part! She took an uber to a funeral earlier in the year and told at least 200 Italians that her kids refused to drive her and she's suffering so much with this foot and blah blah blah. But she conveniently leaves out the part that she has consistently avoided getting treatment! This same sequence of events has played out several times over the last two years (she told another doctor that she's out of money (true) and that her kids won't help her but left out the part about my brother paying 100% of the $11,000 funeral bill for my stepfather).
What is going on with her psychologically? What needs is she serving by this bizarre behavior? And what can I do to protect myself from being her indentured servant short of just refusing to help her (I have done this several times). I am a disabled veteran and am a single mother to a autistic and medically complex ten year old, so I cannot be at her beck and call. Any insight would be a blessing. If you have made it this far thank you very much for your time.
Ok, so you.
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Sounds like you responsibilities to your immediate family are overwhelming enough. For their sake and yours don't you think it's important for you to be healthy, energetic, less stressed?
To the point: mind your own. Your mother, anyone, can talk, complain. Sounds like you are distressed that people will think her gripes are legitimate and put you in a bad light. Perhaps? Ignore it. Concentrate your time and efforts on you and your son.
Mom sounds lonely. Let others entertain her and you take care of you.
It may be we're related. ! Be strong, be fierce and be the master of your life.
i don’t have any choice but to be the master of my life because there is no one to help me. I handle it pretty well but I feel numb a lot, like I’m just going through the motions. When you have a medically complex and special needs child, you just try to get through the day and all of the doctors appointments without collapsing into a blubbering heap.
She also has tremendous anxiety and was abused as a child by both parents, and who knows, maybe by a doctor as well.
But she doesn’t tell others that her children won’t help her like yours does. She hardly talks to anyone but me anyway.
good luck!!
Don't really need to give you any help because I think you got it. I will say that personslity disorder is a real thing and I wish I had known that word 40 years ago. It really helps you except certain things in a person. You find out its not you but them. And I found out the less I deal with them, the better. Just when I thought I had them down pat, they would do something out of left field. Oh, and can be nice to everyone but family. People thought my MIL was such a sweetie. Yeah, until she didn't get her own way. I have watched my SIL be so nice to other people but with me, she is condecending.
People like your SIL aren’t going to waste their time on anyone not inclined to kiss the ring. I’ve got one of those.
The problem is, she doesn't have just a little bit of empathy for you, especially knowing you are disabled and a single mother to an autistic child. That, by itself, is a big burden, and I can't get how she doesn't understand your struggle. Were you ever close with your mom, or was she like that all her life?
My advice to you is basically the same as other comments say: PROTECT YOURSELF FIRST. I felt guilty every time I tried to set boundaries with my mother, and I regret it. Don't make that kind of mistake.
Just make sure to keep a united front with your brother and sister-in-law. You need to sit down together and synchronise in how you act towards her, so she get's the chance to see that she can not act like that anymore.
Finally, try to limit conversations that are just complaints without seeking solutions. You are doing so much already; remember, you have a life too.
Hope you sort it all out, it is a very ugly behaviour you need to deal with.
As far as mom's behavior historically, no she hasn't always been this "acute" for lack of a better word. I am 52 now and back in the 80's she was much more independent and capable, but she has always been narcissistic and a social climber.
Thank you for your insight. I appreciate it.
Tell her that before you do any more for her that you need to see an appointment kept and a diagnosis and a care plan to include therapy mental and physical and then you will discuss how to get her needs met. Any pushback you leave. Set deadlines and stick to them.
Good she knows how to take uber.
You have good advice below.
Set boundaries etc .
You say to her ,
“ No mother that will not be possible” .
And follow through by not doing whatever you don’t or can’t do .
If her foot was that bad , she’d go to the doctor .
Never allow your mother to move in with you .
I had a BPD mother within the WAIF subset. She was impossible, an old Italian who I told I'd never take into my home to care for, that it'd be Assisted Living all the way. Thank God I did that, too, and stood my ground thru all the histrionics. At least I had my own life and marriage.
Go to the website Outofthefog.website and look up the borderline personality disorder with the waif subset. You'll likely see your mother in those words and get some acknowledgement for your suffering.
Set down very firm boundaries with the woman and stick to them like glue. If she owns a home, it can be sold to finance her life in AL. Its the only way to deal with someone like this: in small doses.
Best of luck to you.
Look up “borderline personality disorder + waif” and see if the description resonates. BPD can’t be cured. But you can stop contributing to the disorder.
Has she always been difficult?
Stop playing her games and allowing her manipulation tactics and guilt-tripping to control your whole life and make you a servant.
Every time she lies about something call her out on it. Tell her that you will help your brother make some care arrangements for her and let that be the end of it. If she refuses, let her fend for herself because you need some boundaries with her.
As for what 'needs' she is serving with the learned helplessness behavior. Her need for control of other people's lives (mainly yours) is what need she is satisfying.
You stop running to her for every beck and call.
You stop propping her up.
I don’t care if you have to lie to her, tell her you are going on vacation for 2 weeks and turn your phone off or silence her, even if you are sleeping on your couch at your house.
She sounds like she has a personality disorder and is what is called a waif. Like a helpless little child.
She is an adult and if she doesn’t want to take care of herself, then you let her go out of this world how she wants to.
Start detaching and stop caring about her more than she cares about herself.
I also lovingly recommend therapy so you can stop enabling her destructive behaviors.
She has trained you all quite well.
You can stop cleaning moms house, she can pay a cleaning service to do that.
You do not have to take her shopping, groceries can be ordered on line and delivered. (Now if you are going shopping yourself then bring her to do her shopping as well.)
Her choice to seek medical attention or not is on her.
You are not going to change her.
What you can try to do is insulate yourself so you are protected from the narcissism.
Do not let her "guilt" you into doing any more than you can physically, emotionally handle.
You can help her find services and programs that can help her if she can not afford some things.
Check with your (her) local Senior Service Center. or local Agency on Aging.
Many communities have free transportation for disabled seniors. Some might be through Senior Volunteer groups some might be Public Transportation. (Often the Public Transportation you need to arrange the ride in advance and it is door to door so she is not waiting at a bus stop)
Was her second husband a Veteran? If so she may qualify for benefits. It would be "means" based so she may qualify based on what you have said.