Mom is in another province and I can not fly as there are no flights, if I could go I have to spend 2 weeks in isolation in a motel. But even if I have done that the hospital is in Lock down and I would not be allowed in even at the end. The Hospital has just called to say that they had to remove mom's wedding ring as her hands are swelling as are her feet and ankles. For the last few weeks mom has slept most of the time. I know the end is near but it just seems so unfair that she has to face the end alone. Knowing that this would eventually happen is one thing but to have it happen is very different. On top of this my brother will not communicate with me or the hospital. I have called a Minister to go and try to find him and talk to him. For those of you who have been following my posts know that my brother has many issues.
Thank you for letting me vent.
If there is no connection with God and they do not want God at this time in their dying. Here is how I would approach. The Dr. can give you meds.(if you want) that deal with your kind of anxiety and or "your just kind of out of it" and you don't care. You will not have the energy to visit. Or God can give you peace and He will take you to heaven when He is ready. But welcome morphine and have His peace.
If you need a chaplain to help. "we" are always there.
My Mom just passed away during the pandemic, too. We also, had to do a rehab facility before we moved to a third facility where she died. We had the best luck with a Facebook Portal. It worked wonderfully. In the rehab she was on a second floor and there was no way I could get near her, but with the Facebook Portal I was able to attend via Facebook Messenger all her PT sessions. We also could visit regularly using it, as well. She felt like we were really visiting her compared to how we were able to visit with her prior. It is extremely easy to use, but at 97 she did have to have help from the nursing staff but it can be activated by voice only! It was a great way to have some accountability in the rehab facility.
Also, after she was discharged from the rehab facility I put her in a very small 10 patient Assisted Living House, where each patient had their own separate patio. My Mom did need skilled care at that point but we paid extra and the AL place was able to provide adequate care. The great part was we were able to see her face to face the week she died, almost daily. It worked but it was difficult working around the limitations of the pandemic, for sure.
Be aware that some people wait until their family has left their bedside before they die. My grandmother did this. She held out until her 82nd birthday, a died a couple hours after the family left the hospital. My in law grandparents did the same.
This is not the way anyone should die, but unfortunately, it's the way things are right now. For me, it's been a comfort to remember that my mother and I had expressed our love and gratitude to each other many times before she got sick. In the end, we all face our death alone, and I'm hopeful that my mom did it peacefully.
Be confident that: You are doing all that you can. Your mom knows how much you love her. You will miss her. You are going to be okay.
In our lifetime there has been an ease of travel allowing us to visit our families even as we lived distantly from each other. We also have lots of movies showing a touching life ending scene where the dying person is cognitively intact and pain free mere seconds before death. So we have developed an expectation that being physically present for a death (and maybe a death scene to resolve any relationship issues) is highly valued and "makes a difference". 100 years ago, when travel was more burdensome and expensive and letters were the primary means of communication between distant family members, there were no such expectations. People who heard of a parent's death in a letter didn't feel they had somehow failed because they were not present for the death or the funeral. Two of my great-aunts kept their relationship going with weekly letters and didn't see each other for over 50 years which included the Great Depression and WWII; no one reading one of the surviving letters has any doubt of their love and devotion to each other.
I have been present when family members died and I have been absent. I do not feel my presence during a death had any impact on the person dying. My presence during or just after the death made a difference to other living family members. I was present when my grandmother, sister, and uncle died. All three were in a coma for hours to days before actual death: my grandmother due to kidney failure and general organ shutdown in the hospital, my uncle from blood sugar issues and pain medication as cancer consumed his, and my sister from medications as her cancer consumed lungs failed to provide adequate oxygen. In my opinion, none of the three people dying as their bodies just shot down were impacted in any manner by the presence or absence of any person. I know I did not want my sister "aware" while she suffocated. My grandfather and father died somewhat unexpectedly during hospital stays: grandfather from a sudden heart attach and my father when an emotional upset led to a major stroke and heart failure. Even though my father and I had a contentious relationship during the final years of his vascular dementia and guardianship, no death bed scene was going to change that and I am very thankful I missed his last dementia driven fit and final collapse.
In one sense, everyone faces death alone; only one person ends up dying. In another sense no one faces death alone. People who have been loved and valued during their lifetimes carry those feelings and memories with them in their hearts, minds, and often dreams. LOs with failing health who begin sleeping for long periods will often talk upon waking about vivid dreams of times and/or LOs from decades past. Sometimes it takes them some time to realize it was "only" a dream.
I understand the urge to want to be with your ill LO. Our family just went through this as a senior became life threatening ill with an impacted colon and spent over 3 weeks in the surgical ICU. Instead of being discharged to a rehab, the family brought her home and provided 24/7 care with in home PT and OT while she regained her strength.
I do not expect you can really turned that urgent need to be there off. But maybe you can give yourself a guilt break. Factors beyond your control make your physical presence with your mother impossible. You have done nothing wrong. Even when you are not physically present or even communicating with your mother, you are still there in her heart and she knows you care.
The "bottom line" is that you can only do your best, and then accept what happens from there. In addition, many people are asleep or essentially unconscious at this point and probably wouldn't be aware of your presence, and unless you could "camp" by their bedsides you might miss their passing anyway (and this could happen even if one is only away during a quick "bathroom break!)
I understand the need for rules, but don't forget hospital workers are able to come and go. They take precautions to enable them to care for patients, while still living their lives. Talk to someone at the hospital, and if they say no, keep asking to talk to someone higher until you can get help. There has got to be a way for you to be with your mom during her critical time of need.
Ok, I hope some face time can be worked out. If she is very close to dying, she's likely not going to be awake much at all.
I do hope you will get some support for yourself which you need and deserve at this time. I hope you will contact a pastor for your own self or someone else that you can talk with? My church has a pastor of pastoral care, who coordinates all of the care giving via church members as well as herself. It is a large church which means neither she nor the two pastors can cover everyone in need. Joyce also heads up the church's prayer ministry which is ongoing and strong. I hope you have a supportive church.
This may be a wild shot, but if you called up hospice and explained your situation to them, maybe their chaplain could offer you support. It's worth a try and please remember to take care of yourself.