My 83 year old mother has mild dementia & severe diabetes. She lives 1 mile from me in her own home. I go to her house every weekday morning by 6:45 a.m. to cook breakfast, clean up the kitchen, etc. before I go to work. Every weekend, I spend hours there cleaning, cooking, & doing her laundry (she is occasionally incontinent & refuses to wear disposable briefs!) I take care of her house, her finances, pay her bills, drive her to doctors, order meds & basically take care of her needs. I take her cooked food from my home 3 or 4 nights a week. She refuses to eat the Meals on Wheels dinners, we tried them for 6weeks last year & she gave most of each meal to the dog. Every evening, I drive to her house to give her an insulin shot and her meds. She has been on hospice for 6 months now, but that only consists of the nurse taking her blood pressure & oxygen level twice a week and an aide comes once a week to help her shower. Some weeks, my mom refuses to let the aide give her a shower & the aide cannot do anything about it. The aide is able to give her one approx. twice a month. My mom gives herself a sponge bath a couple times a week. Twice a week, I wash her hair & curl it before I go to work. She refuses to let me help with a shower. On the weekends, I clean house & do laundry for hours. I recently asked the hospice aide to come 1 day a week to do a little housework. She comes on Tues for 45 minutes & cleans the bathroom my mom uses & will vacuum a room or two. My mother's dementia is becoming worse, she is no longer able to take her blood sugar in the mornings and she can't keep track of the date or time. She is very ungrateful for all that I do! I In fact, at least once a week, she tells me to get the H--- out of her house. I have a sister who lives 200 miles away and she comes to visit for 20 hours every 6 - 8 weeks. I have tried talking to my sister, telling her our mother needs her too and she uses excuse after excuse. Yet this morning, my mother told me (after I had cooked breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, swept the floor, made her bed, & curled her hair - oh yes and I did fold one load of laundry & put another in to wash!) that I don't do anything for her & that my sister is nice to her. See, my sister never has to tell her to do anything, such as "Let's change your clothes, please don't eat lying down, we need to wash your hair, etc, etc." My sister only comes to visit, she doesn't do anything -she cooks a meal out of a box in the microwave for dinner or carryout from the Dollar Menu! I have been doing this now for nearly 5 years! My husband is in Stage 4 kidney failure, he is trying to get on the kidney transplant list at this time, he has a prostate issue that is keeping him from getting on the list. As he is unwell, I have had to take over most of his chores as well as taking care of my house. I work 4 days a week, working lunch hours so I can be off on Fridays to care for my mother. My husband & I take care of my 5 year old grandson 3 or 4 nights a week while our daughter works the graveyard shift. Needless to say, I am stressed! My mother slaps my face or attemps to strike me at least once a week. She calls me stupid and tells me I don't do a darn thing for her! I do realize dementia is partially a reason for this, but she was ungrateful & abusive long before she had dementia! Putting her in a nursing home is out of the question as we do not have the money ($6,500 a month). My dad lived in the local nursing home for 17 months before his death, he never qualified for Medicaid because they own 2 pieces of real estate that are unsellable, they have been on the market for years! My mother still owes the nursing home around $80,000! When my dad was in the nursing home, I contacted four different attorneys trying to figure out how to qualify for Medicaid for my Dad & they all advised me that until the properties are sold and the money all spent, he would never get Medicaid! Anyway, I know I have strayed from my subject matter - my mother being abusive & ungrateful! Also, I am very concerned about her worsening health & fears about her not being able to care for herself at all! What on earth will I do?? I guess I wrote this mainly to get it off my chest! I would appreciate any & all advice anyone has to offer me!
While she was alive MD gave a ring, one of a matched pair ... my father gave me his before he passed. I have to take it to get cleaned and deliver it to this woman. Then MD decided she wasn't going to die and wanted it back ... more chaos. A couple of months ago she tried to give it to this woman again, who wasn't comfortable with it and handed it in to the NH office.
When times got tough and I was so totally alone, this woman threw me under the bus. Now MD has passed I've been to the NH and signed off on the ring and it has been collected. I let it go because I felt if I had it in the house, let alone wore it, her evil would follow it.
I would suggest you tell your sister you are going on vacation for 2 weeks on xxx and it's up to her to care for your mother. You must take a stand before your own health suffers.
If you would still do things for her, do them for no other reason than because you want to do them or because they are done as demonstrations of your love. After all, you do not do those countless things for her to appreciate them. If that were the case, you would've stopped doing them long ago. You've done them because you believed you needed to do them, and in doing them you should know your righteousness and expressed your love for her. Now, however, it is time for you to do something more for you (while still doing something for her)... If this is unclear, let me just urge you to implicitly do differently, and allow me to likewise remind you that you can hardly care for anyone else if you neglect caring more for yourself.
Her abusiveness is clearly taking a devastating toll on you, and this is why you must stop allowing yourself to be abused. You must love yourself enough to recognize that you cannot provide for her needs, your needs, and your husband's needs, if you are left feeling the way you described.
For example, whenever tending to her needs, should she become abusive in any of the ways you've already described, simply interrupt the behavior to politely tell her that if she continues to mistreat you, there will be consequences and at least one immediate consequence for her will be obvious in your departure forthwith (and, should you tell her that, make sure you follow through with the immediate departure, the first time--and every time.) If she doesn't appreciate you, it's her loss. [And, in my mind, since she had ample reason that she should've appreciated you, it is untimately your gain because you already did what you didn't have to do, and you did it all gladly, lovingly, and because you care]. If she cannot manage her health, her kindnesses to others, her abusiveness, her meanness, her uncooperative nature, etc., then those must be her problems, and they MUST NOT become yours. Also, I would suggest that you must manage yourself better, and in some ways manage her, too, so that you do not become her anger's regular victim and so that she is left to her own lonely neediness to perhaps come to terms with why it exists.
Your life matters. It matters because you are the woman you have become. It matters because you are your husband's spouse, too. While your mother's life matters, too, it must matter enough to her to do the right things by others, and when she doesn't, so must it also matter enough for her to be motivated to change her unhealthy behaviors.
Your sister is like many others I know, who left their home towns and family members behind, in search of her own life, and with little care or concern for what she left behind. She must answer at the end of her life for her relative uselessness with regard to your mother's care. You must answer for yours. [And, if I may... it sounds to me already like you won't have to make a lot of excuses for the things you should've done but didn't--unlike your sister, your mother, or any number of countless others who have lived so ungratefully or so care free.
"Mother calls my cell phone several times a day and even when I am out at dinner." So, I would advise to call Mother once, and check in, then, let the calls go. "No way."
Fast forward to my sisters death, new bath lady calls 911 thinking Mother was having a heart attack. That was 2 1/2 months ago. Mother is now, in assisted living and was even out in the common's area listening to someone sing. Anti-depressants have helped her irritability and being made to go to the dining room has helped her nutrition.
Good luck to anyone just starting this journey of getting their loved one care. My sister and I had to stay out of it and let a 50 yo grandson step in and get the care needed. (Neither of us live close.)
Greengirl- I like the advice given here for you. Also- can you tell daughter you need to stop being the babysitter? You are spreading yourself too thin, IMO.
And if the land is keeping you from getting Mom in the nourishing home sell it for as low as you can go!! The profit will be eaten up by the NH anyway. Sell it cheap and then after that money is gone can you not get Medicaid for Mom? I really do not know the financial side of caregiving yet so I apologize if I am wrong.
You are a rock star!!! You are loving and caring and a super person but you sound so tired. Please take care of yourself!!!!
Many, any blessings to you and yours!!
(((((Greengirl)))))
Slow down.
Trying to be reasonable with your mom is not going to get your anywhere. We can't be reasonable with someone who can't reason and she can't because of her dementia.
You're the bad guy because you're there all the time. You're the closest target. Your sister is not in the picture very much so she's the wonderful one. If you switched places with your sister I would bet that it wouldn't be long before she became the bad guy.
What can be done about that property? There has to be some way to unload it. If you don't you're going to have to move your mom into your home at some point because what you said about Medicaid is true. As long as that property is out there it's considered an asset. You may prefer to move your mom into your home as opposed to a faciltiy, I don't know. But she's going to continue to deteriorate mentally, as you know, and she won't be able to be alone.
From what you said these behaviors from your mom are nothing new really. It's awful that you have to do so much for your mom when she is such an unpleasant person. I see so many posts here about cargiving for a parent who is not a nice person. That must be so difficult and I think you're wonderful for stepping in and taking care of this stuff but I also think you need assistance. That's just an opinion.
Figure out what to do with that property and take the money and use it to get assistance for your mom in her home or help her into a facility. Her needs are going to increase and soon it won't be realistic to keep going over there and you'll have to help her move somewhere.
But in the meantime, bless you and know that you are doing a good job. Too good of a job! Slow down or you're liable to get down yourself and then what's going to happen?
What is it that YOU want? If you want acknowledgment from your Mother, I don't think you are going to get it. Is it enough to know that YOU are doing all you can for her? You listed a million things you do for her. You are obviously a compassionate, giving person. All of us here can see that. I acknowledge that you are not being appreciated for all you do. xoxo
Your Mother is sick, she's on hospice, she's a different person in her brain. Maybe she is in pain, afraid of dying, so overwhelmed in her own way that she flips out!
Try to keep it simple. Do you know the story of Mary and Martha in the Bible? It is a good illustration of what is going on with you, your Mom and sister.
Why don't you find that or google the story. You need to relax and quit worrying about making things orderly. They are not. Try to get a simple enjoyment with your Mother every day, even if it is a two minute kindness. People and animals react to our energy and angst. You are a very good daughter. Know that. Shift your own attitude about this and see what is most important in the big picture.
Just remember this website is there for YOU. It has saved me in more ways that one. Take advantage of this website and vent, vent and vent. Take care.