How do I deal with an elderly, close friend that is difficult?

Long ago, I used to help an elderly woman that I had previously worked with. Was treated by her in a similar manner. She started demanding that I take her to various Doctors once a week, then wanted me to print things for her on my printer using up my ink. She even insisted I reschedule my own appointment once to take her to her appointment.

The sad - but, only solution was ... I completely cut off contact. She called to ask me to take her to another appointment, I said "I'm sorry, but I'm not available & am in the middle of something and have to go. bye." Then I hung up. Never returned another call from her.

That was over 20 years ago. Have never regretted this decision, only regretted not doing it sooner. She quickly replaced me with her daughter and forgot all about me. Out of sight out of mind.

"I'm not a fighter, more of an INFP that retreats in this kind of situation."

Either am I. I hate confrontation. I have no quick comebacks. And when I finally think of one its too late. I am 72 and no longer volunteer my time. I have found that when u volunteer that is when ur taken advantage of. Years ago it went from driving my GFs mother to an occasional appt, to taking my GF to appts to taking her 20+ daughter. Babysitting my grandson stopped the driving.

Then I had a friend who I had known since High School. We were close at one time but divorce for both of us and the need to work cut down on our time together. Then I remarried, she never did. After our kids were gone we met up and started the friendship again, problem, she had multiple heath problems and partially estranged from her sons. She was a Debbie Downer but I could deal with it. I did things for her. We went to lunch 1x a month. Our class had started having luncheons once a month. So was the class behind me and I had been invited to attend them. I got a call from her on my VM telling me she was upset with me not telling her about the luncheon. That I know she needs a ride. It was not a nice call and I had no idea what she was talking about. I tried to call her and I texted her telling her I had no idea what she was talking about. She never returned my calls. It was found that someone had been talking about the class behind us and I hadn't been to theirs for a few months. Our class did not have one. She was told the truth and never called to apologize. I refused to. I did nothing wrong. She ended up in a NH with cancer and Parkinson's. I sent her books, cards and cancer caps. But she never called me to apologize. She passed last Thanksgiving. Yes, I feel somewhat guilty but I am tired of the one who says they are sorry when I did nothing wrong.

Since ur friend is elderly, maybe there is some cognitive decline. I may tell her it is the holidays and you "are" really busy. You are sorry for not calling but by the end of the day you have been drained. If she ever needs anything, she can call and if you u will be glad to do it "if you have the time". Being a Christain has nothing to do with it. Yes, we are suppose to help others but not to the point we have to be at their beck and call. We have our own lives and families they are #1. We need to set boundries with people. My friend called me and wanted to talk for hours. Sometimes I did because I knew she was lonely. I actually got caller ID because she always called at dinner and after 9pm. I always called her back when I was ready.

Oh, yes. I have a friend like this, too. It got to be too much for me. There was a growing need for my attention and support, and telling me that I was not a good friend when I had to get off the phone to eat my dinner after a long day at work... after trying to find a gracious exit to end her monologue for the past 20 minutes. This pattern happened a few times before my own dignity couldn't take it anymore.

Suggestion: If you're still going to try for a friendship with her, put this behavior 'on extinction.' That's a behavior analysis term for not reinforcing a behavior you want to decrease with any kind of response. The best response here I think is no response. Put more time in between your phone calls or visits, or just be out of communication for a month. She's been your friend but for whatever reason, she's gaslighting you.

I'd guess she'll be on her best behavior once she figures out this tactic doesn't work with you. Maybe you don't need this kind of friendship in your life. But if it were me, being a softie, I'd give it a chance by changing how I'm enabling/contributing to patterns and go from there. None of this is your fault, of course, just pointing out how you could take some steps. Could be a lot of projection on my part so take what's helpful and leave the rest.

I had a 'friend' that I truly thought WAS a friend. She had the awful experience of 'acquiring' her 3 young grandchildren at the age of 69. They're horrible kids, but really, not their fault at all.

Against ALL advice to have these kids placed with foster families or better yet, adopted by a childless couple who WANTED them, she clung to the hope that her loser son was going to suddenly wake up and want to be a family.

At one point, about 4 years ago, she decided to sell her home and start fresh in abother state, away from the bio mom.

I helped her pack her enormous, hoarded home for 6 months. Paid for the storage pods and would have been on the hook for the 'move' but she pulled out at the last minute and MOVED BACK IN the house. I fell for her 'poor pitiful me' lines over and over again.

She waitied until I was out of town for 2 weeks (taking a vacay from HER!) and she moved into the basement and rented out the upstairs. When I got home from my trip my DH broke the news to me on the ride home from the airport.

I went to see her, immediately upon coming home. What did she say to me? "You ruined my life by pushing me so hard". WTH? She would not make decisions--she'd just stand there and cry "why me?"

I returned that volley with this "well, I'm sorry you choose to feel that way. You have broken me. I will not do a single thing to help you again." And I have not.

This was NEVER a friendship. This was someone who is a classic narcissist who manipulates and manuvers people for their own gain.

The only person I am really mad at it myself. I THOUGHT I was being a real help, truly, and turns out I was just digging a huge hole to fall in.

4+ years later she is aged 73 and working FT as a teacher's assistant and her oldest grandson is following in his father's footsteps--he's currently in a juvenile detention facility. I've heard she still blames me---but there is no way I am responsible for her choices and the sad outcomes.

A true friend uplifts you and cares for you w/o ulterior motives. It's hard for those of us who care too much.

I'll never speak to this woman again. Not that I hate her or anything, not even close. I just know she is toxic and a trigger to me for my PTSD.

65 yo and still learning how to self-care.

(BTW, I was not the only one caught in her 'web', so that is somewhat comforting)

This is a one-sided friendship. If she ever pulls this again I would tell her that you help her because you WANT to not because you are REQUIRED to. If she is unhappy with what you can offer or what you can offer is NOT GOOD ENOUGH she is free to find someone else to assist her. They seem to forget that they need you, not the other way around.

My former assistant had an elderly neighbor like this. She enjoyed her company, often having a glass of wine after work with her. She would help her out on occasion and her neighbor seemed to appreciate it. But every once in a while her neighbor would get furious with her over something silly. And she would get downright nasty over it and stop talking to co-worker. Last time it was because they both hired the same person to seal their small condo driveways. My coworker's driveway was done first. The elderly neighbor insisted my assistant (who was 69 at the time) was using her "feminine wiles" to get her job done first. Nothing she said would appease this woman and she stopped speaking to my co-worker. Coworker eventually moved to Florida so this was never reconciled.

As you say, she is difficult. Could she have borderline personality disorder? Your description of your interactions with her reminded me of a friend my father had who would behave similarly. She had good qualities but would lash out suddenly when she felt threatened (abandonment issues are a big trigger in BPD apparently) and was generally impossible. She had also driven off her family members, as your friend seems to have done.

This sounds like a bit of a one-sided friendship, to me.
I really can't advise because I would never have a "friend" like this, so can have no experience.
I would seek help, because I can't help but feel you are continuing to choose people who abuse you, and this just may indicate that you believe that is all you are worth. I ASSURE you, you are worthy of being loved. You can choose to choose people who you can treasure and love, and who will treasure and love you back. Trust me, this makes for a good and happy life.
I wish the best to you, and my heart goes out to you.
Trust me, your "friend" will find someone else to abuse; they ALWAYS do.

Thanks for the reply and the good advice. It's a two-way flow for the conversations; she is a tough, but very good lady, and has always told it like it is and his been a good friend for a long time. She's told me off before for not being attentive. But there is a bit of meanness to it now. I want to help, but I'm sorry to say, there are limits. I feel her family needs to step up a bit more and face the fact that she is going to need them there most of the time. I shouldn't have to do what they should be doing. I don't want to get in the middle of what looks to be a family feud either. It's easy to write these lines, but I'm not a fighter, more of an INFP that retreats in this kind of situation.

When was the last time she called you? If it isn't a two way flow, well, you are her friend and it is not a true relationship.

I have been on the receiving end of, "you're supposed to be a Christian, you should ..." at that point, I have said that I am obviously a trigger for you and perhaps you need someone besides me to help you. It is not okay to accept abuse from anyone. Being religious has nothing to do with being a doormat or scratching post, it is okay to not put yourself in the line of fire and to separate yourself from her.

Give her a list of resources for the help she needs and take back your time from her. She doesn't get to take anymore then you willingly give her.

I get it's sad and it's hard but, you matter too and she is being abusive, not acceptable, period!