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I am the only child that is able to help. She also now moved in with me and I am extremely stressed over this. I am feeling like a bad daughter and why because I try to help her and she thinks I am telling her what to do. Yes, I yell due to frustration.... My life has extremely changed! I do pretty much everything. How do I cope with this? I don't have my life anymore... I do a lot of crying!! I don't know if this was the correct section to ask for advice.. If not, please let me know.... Thanks much!

I may have hit "post" to make a prior post before I was finished, if so....I am sorry.

It's difficult to offer possible solutions without knowing the exact financial situation. Because it has a huge effect on your affordable options for Assisted Living, Nursing Home, Medicaid (at home) and Medicaid financial assistance at AL or NH.

I totally sympathize with you about your frustration and you have been given some great emotional advice.

But, I feel like something is missing from your posts.

Are you willing to answer a few questions?

Who owns your home? Who is on the deed?

Every state is different but, if it's your deed, then it's your deed. No exemption for your mother related to a one-residence homestead ownership.

When you did the addition and the stair lift, did she pay directly to the contractors for everything and the supplier of the chair lift, or did you pay for all that and then she paid you back? Did anything go on her credit cards that cannot be paid off in full, ever? Does she still use her own credit cards?

If it's your home, totally, legally, is your mother paying you rent, or any part of the additional utility expenses? Does she have her own landline phone line, or is she using yours? What about a cell phone? Who is paying, if she has one? What about cable TV in her separate living space? Are you paying for that? Who pays for her food? Or, is she living there for free, basically?

Does she get social security or any kind of pension? What is she using that money for, if she gets it? Does she still have a car, owned, financed or leased?

As I said, you are getting a lots great emotional advice.

But, it may be that the financial situation here is very messy and until you sit down and focus on all of those details it may be impossible to make the right choice for the future living arrangements for your mother.

And, please do not make any major decisions without hiring an elder care attorney, and make she/he has a LLM in tax.

There are so many differences between independent living, assisted living and nursing home living.

Please pay attention to all of those financial issues before you make any decisions.
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Sunshine1961 May 17, 2019
Good afternoon!  The house is MINE! I  am paying all the bills because I don't want her to pay anything.  She has paid for the addition in full and the chair lift in full... She has no outstanding bills what so ever.   Her phone is on my program, I take care of it.  I want her live free at her age... She does not drive anymore, so I take her everywhere she needs to go!  If I need anything, she always tells me to let her know.  Thank you!
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Wow! This is a tough one. Balance is important. I feel you have to carve out time for yourself. If she doesn't understand, that's her problem, but carve out time for you. At the same time, be compassionate towards her and don't yell at her and let her do whatever she can on her own. This is very tough situation on both you & her, because you're living together. But try to get balance and see the bigger picture. Hang in there
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You know, if it gets to be too tough you could discuss selling the home and fairly divide the money. I would look for other living arrangements before selling. Worse comes to worse then there are those extended hotel places as a temporary place to live but that would become awfully expensive after awhile. Or a short term lease rental somewhere.
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Dear Sunshine, it seems like you are stuck with your mother, at least for a while, so some suggestions about how to make it better might help. When you both put the addition onto your house, did you expect living together to include the services you seem to be providing? Cooking, clearing up, cleaning, washing & shopping? Your mother has ‘leg issues’ that apparently cause pain but no-one is quite sure why. You are not saying that she has incontinence problems, or dementia, or that she is immobile. She is 82, which is a lot younger than many people who are cared for. Your frustration about having been turned into ‘a slave’ sounds fairly reasonable!

How could you make her upstairs flat more self-contained? If there is water in the bathroom, you should be able to put in a mini-kitchenette like in a motel room. Your mother can have frozen meals, heat them herself in a microwave, and do her own clean-up. Collecting her washing once a day should be the only time you need to climb those stairs. If you don’t run when she calls, she will have to work out how to be more independent. You won’t yell so much if you don’t see her all the time. If she gets lonely, she may be more interested in going out to play cards.

Work out all the jobs you can quit, and quit them. Of course there will be a revolt, but stick to your guns. Go back to what you both expected, which wasn’t slavery.
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Sunshine1961 May 17, 2019
Dear Margaret!  Her upstairs is her huge bedroom and a very nice bathroom with a stahl shower.  She put in a Chair lift so she wouldn't have the stairs.   So, that helps her to get up and down with no issues.  Besides my mom's legs, No she is actually in great shape.   If her legs weren't in this much pain, and lots of swelling, she would be great for 82... She has the normal high blood pressure and high cholesterol, as like me, but other then that her bloodwork always comes out wonderful.  I only have my Mom, so all the time I have I want to be better.  She doesn't like to play cards, I already talked to her about that. My mom is a homebody, doesn't like to go out but, hair cut, drs and sometimes dinner.  But, she has been like that for a very long time.  I can't consider assisted living as she always wanted to live with me as she got older. BUT, I never in my wildest dreams thought it would be this difficult and stressing.  I guess, I just have to deal with it, but talking helps.  My Mom is very stubburn as maybe a lot of older people get, but I do see a change in her as she gets older. Her long term memory is great but her short term is not as good.  If I don't cook for my Mom she just slops together a simple sandwhich.  She won't heat things up much at all.  She pretty much depends on me.  She actually this morning was doing the laundry, which I was happy to see and she asked me if I had anything.  This is all just so new to  me.  I guess I think of my Mom as my age but I guess She is not anymore....  Thanks for being there to chat.  I won't sell my house because this was my house that I got after my divorce on my own, and I love where I live.
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If your mother is falling all the time you might need to start talking about assisted living. She should get an aged care assessment. If she put all her money into your house then you might have to look at selling the house to pay for her care and you take your share to buy something just for you. What is worse? Going through the process of the above or maybe another ten years of your current situation? You should seek legal advice on how the sale of the house is determined as to % each is entitled to
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Sunshine, no my mother lives in an Assisted Living Facility (see my other comment a little further down). Neuropathy (which is nerve damage) is progressive........it gets worse with time & there's really nothing that can be done aside from Rxs for Gabapentin that can cause more problems than it cures. Physical therapy can help, depending on the patient and her level of cooperation and willingness to stay active/do exercises, etc. The only thing that helps my mother is a cream called Penetrex which you can order on Amazon......it's pricey but she swears by it. Most of the time. Sigh.

Even though mother does not live with me, the stress of caregiving (even from a different location) is HUGE. I've done (and will continue to do) a lot of crying myself. Sending you a hug.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 16, 2019
I’d try that cream! Can’t hurt. Worth a shot. Thanks lealonnie1. It is a painful condition. My deceased brother had neuropathy with his diabetes.

Pain in is so debilitating. How is your mom doing in the AL facility? That’s hard being far away. Sometimes it can’t be helped.
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Sunshine, my mother is 92, has chronic leg/pain issues and has fallen over 3 dozen times in the past couple of years (never hurting herself badly, believe it or not). She has neuropathy (non-diabetic) in her legs, which causes pain & numbness; she's had TONS of physical therapy but nothing helps. We are currently on our 10th round of PT at the ALF where she lives, this time we're trying a new group of therapists. Her blood work always comes back great, normal, probably better than mine! Hospital stays/x-rays/CT scans/MRIs have proven there is nothing wrong with her, yet, she can't walk/stand/sit up by herself, etc. I love my mother too, but that doesn't mean it's easy or rewarding to face these challenges on a daily basis!! I often say I'd rather have a firm diagnosis, even if it's a disease, than keep hearing 'there's nothing wrong' when she insists there IS!
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Sunshine1961 May 16, 2019
Oh, my I just read your comments and almost thought it was my issues!! I have gone thru all the same things that you have.... They keep telling her Neuropathy also!!!  Mom is so tired of drs, and I can't blame her at all...… Thank you so much for your feedback.... It is almost the same as my situation... Does your Mom live with you? Mine does and is so hard to deal with.
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I feel your pain! My 93 year old mother lives with us. It’s a challenge because they don’t see us as helping. They see it as us telling them what to do and it doesn’t sit well with them. In their mind, we are still their kids and we should listen to them. It’s very odd to me.

I have two daughters and I listen to their view of things. They are wonderful, loving, smart, caring daughters but of course we don’t agree on everything but we do respect each other’s opinions on things.

Your mom is younger than mine. My mom is 93. My mom has Parkinson’s disease. She could never do a two story home. I agree that your mom made it harder on herself building a two story addition.

The whole situation sounds frustrating. I had family members who did the same thing at one point, add onto their son’s home. He had a one story home and they added living quarters by building a second story to his home.

It was a disaster. The son got divorced from his wife, moved out. The DIL wanted his parents out so she could rent the upstairs that her in-laws paid for. Trust me it was a nightmare!

I get that you feel alone being an only child but trust me I have siblings that are totally useless, so I may as well be an only child. It’s almost worse because if I didn’t have siblings, so be it, but I have siblings that I can’t rely on. It has all fallen in my lap.

Mom lost her home in Hurricane Katrina and was left homeless so I didn’t even have time to plan for anything and as you can imagine our city, New Orleans was in total mayhem. It was a very emotional time for all of us.

Can you get respite help from your local Council on Aging? I just did this. Long wait, has to be approved after an assessment that they do and so forth but it may be worth a shot. You would get a break!

Best of luck to you and take care. I love my mom dearly but it is a lot to deal with.
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Sunshine1961 May 16, 2019
Good afternoon!  Your words are so what I am feeling....  I am so sorry about your Mom losing her home, that is horrible, and I feel for her.  I guess you are right, you can have a lot of siblings but it seems one is there mostly for the parents.   Mom's bloodwork is always wonderful, but she has leg issues and in terrible pain!!  She is going thru physical therapy right now because I wanted her to work her legs but it isn't doing any help.... She fell off her recliner last night and her legs wouldn't move and she was crawling to get up.  I couldn't lift her, but finally got her back up on her chair.  She put in the chair lift so she wouldn't have to go up the stairs... But, she gets no exercise. But, you are right,  the other day she told me she doesn't like me telling her what to do, I am not her dr or boss just my daughter... But, she doesn't listen.. If she would, then she also wouldn't have as much water in her legs also.   I feel like a bad daughter, and all I am there for is to cook and clean...  I love my mom to DEATH, but I never ever thought it would be this hard. I hate the fighting but my frustration is awful.  Last night I told her I didn't want to do anything for her anymore, and today she told me that a child never talks to a parent like that. So, of course I walked out and came back to work...  All my time is doing things for her and if I do something and can't make dinner, the GUILT is horrible and she tells me that's my fault...  UGH!!! Thank you for chatting and it seems we are almost in the same boat!!  I have a BF for 8 years and our relationship has dwindled but still together as he says he isn't going anywhere.... But, lately I just have wanted to be alone.....   Please stay in touch to talk I could use that.... Take care
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You say you are stuck b/c mother put her money into an addition onto your home. Unless something happens where she needs to be placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility, I suppose you're going to be roommates for a while. I guess the best thing you can do is find outside interests for YOURSELF so you can create an independent lifestyle apart from your mother. I knew from the get-go that I could NEVER, EVER, under any circumstances live with my mother because we are oil & water; we don't get along. I saw what it looked like to have her mother, my grandmother, live with us when I was a child and they fought constantly. I wound up placing both my folks in an Assisted Living Facility back in 2014 when dad fell & broke a hip. He passed in '15 and mother still lives in the ALF, thank God. It's bad enough that I have to deal with the 1 million doctor appointments, daily crises, financial duties, phone calls, visits and everything else involved for an only child (me), so I can't imagine what you are going through. Perhaps hook up with a therapist for some counseling sessions to get some advice on how to cope with the emotions involved here. And DeeAnna's info about home health services is fabulous! You might also look into elderly day care services for her in your area, where she can be dropped off for a few hours each day.

Best of luck.......it's a tough road you are on and you have my empathy.
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ok, I so thank you for all the information..... Have a wonderful day.
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DeeAnna May 16, 2019
Start with the local Area Agency on Aging as they can do a "Needs Assessment" of your Mom to determine what type and amount of care she needs.
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I Googled "Williamsport PA Home Health" and found this website which list several home health agencies and the local Area Agency on Aging office.  Copy and paste URL to your browser:

https://www.carepathways.com/pa/home-health-care-williamsport/

Home Health Care in Williamsport, PA 17701

Area Agency on Aging:  STEP Office of Aging
Headquarters: Williamsport, PA 17701
Primary Phone: 570-323-3096
Email: flshrimp@stepcorp.org  

Home Health Care in Williamsport, PA can be categorized as either non-medical (home care) or Medicare certified (home health). Non-medical home care includes personal care and help with everyday activities, while Medicare certified home health involves skilled nursing and rehabilitation. Elderly residents of Williamsport, PA may require home health after an injury or illness, whereas non-medical home care is provided long-term to seniors with declining physical and mental abilities. This directory includes agencies near Williamsport, PA and the surrounding areas. It's not uncommon for agencies to cover multiple counties. Pay close attention to minimum hours and affiliations / recognitions. Call to compare rates and keep in mind that the average cost of a home health aide in Williamsport, PA is $22 per hour (according to John Hancock's 2016 Cost of Care Survey). Finally, contact your local Area Agency on Aging to ask about family caregiver respite and senior transportation services.

Hope that this information is helpful.
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It's also been almost 5 years she is with me!!! I have a brother that wants nothing to do with either one of us which certainly doesn't help.  My dad passed away back in 1988.. And mom's boyfriend of 22 years passed away about 8-9 years ago... So, she has been thru a lot as well.
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No, where she can go!  She put money into my house and put on an addition for her to live there... I am pretty much stuck at this point. I just don't know how to deal with this anymore...  She never wanted to go to a nursing home... She is currently 82 years old.  She has no friends up here at all. All her life she lived in NJ, that is where we are from.  I have been up here since 1996, and divorced in 2004.   She has leg issues which the drs have no idea why she is in so much pain.  So, I have been helping her. She has the chair lifts for her addition, as she wanted a two story to put all her stuff. Which I had told her that was a bad idea, but NO she wouldn't listen. She doesn't even use the downstairs. She lives in her huge bedroom upstairs and comes down for dinner and to help get the dogs outside during the day... I have tried to get her to go play cards with people and she doesn't want to do that.  I love my Mother tons don't get me wrong, I just don't know what to do. We fight terrible and it mostly is me from frustration.  I do admit that. I should be more calm, but, I get fired up.  I am lost!!! Thanks for answering so quickly you are wonderful...
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Oh my. Are there any other options for where she can live? Assisted living? Nursing home? Anything?? Where did she live before moving into your home?

If not, are there any options for respite for you? A home health aid or friend from church to come in a couple afternoons each week?

As frustrated and emotionally spent as you already are, I'm afraid there's just no way this is going to work long-term :(
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