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Hello everyone, I am new here. I have read many of your problems and it has helped me a lot to cope with my situation. I live in Serbia where this subject doesn’t exist, whenever I tried to get help I would end up looking guilty and no one would believe me because my grandmother is very manipulative and plays the victim.
I lost my mother at a young age so my grandmother brought me up. She has always presented herself as my savior and I was always grateful. It took me a long time to see how this was a very toxic relationship. I haven’t had a relationship with my father until recently because she manipulated me into thinking the worst of him since I was little. She gave me a lot in life but always made me feel guilty about it. Whatever I did wasn’t good enough. Meanwhile I had a marriage and two children, and got divorced. I managed to finish two universities but never had a proper job because I wanted to be more there for my children since I am a single parent. Throughout that time she has helped me financially but always called me a thief for that. She sort of held me on a leash.
Now she is 95, I am 37. We live separately in apartments that are close by. I come by almost every day to keep her company and bring her what she needs. On most days she is normal, but she has ‘episodes’ like bursts of anger where she says the worst things to me like she is completely delusional. Recently it has become dangerous because she would go on the balcony and scream for help and she would talk behind my back to friends that I am abusing her. It’s like there is a switch and she becomes delusional lying and evil.. This is always triggered when she doesn’t know my whereabouts during the day or I have some sort of succes, so it’s sort of like she is punishing me. She threatens me that she will tell everyone how I steal from her and she tells me the worst insults and lies. She also tells me that she will leave all the inheritance to someone else.
She is extremely controling to a point of abuse. She calls me excessively when I don’t answer and leaves insulting and threatening messages. I am now working in real estate and am busy on most days if not with work than with kid, but still go to visit her on most days but nothing is enough for her. She even told me that she wants me to leave my children to be with their father and that I should live with her so I can care for her all the time. Also I am in a longterm relationship which I have to hide from her..
I can’t turn to anyone for help here and have no idea how to solve this.

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So you are in a position where you could lose your home upon the death of your 95 yr old.
You can spend time catering to her and wind up homeless or you can spend that time looking for another home you can afford. Not what either of you want I’m sure.
Somehow you need to help her understand that if she needs you in her most vulnerable years, you will need to be assured that your home is safe. Does she understand the Serbia inheritance laws of someone who dies with no will? Also if she does have dementia, is it already too late for her to prepare a will? would it be legal in your country?
For your peace of mind, I would ask your attorney about the law and what options, if any, you have.
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I think there is some Dementia here. She needs a good work up.

The best way to get out from someone's thumb is to become independent. Not relying on them for anything. Then you owe them nothing. As Mystery said her, inheritances are not a given. There are a number of posters on this site who gave their all as Caregivers only to find they were not in a Will. One reasoning was, because the person thought that living in her house with free room and board was the CGs inheritance. Not that for that room and board the Caregiver had worked 24/7 caring for them.

But I think its the Dementia talking.
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Simone1111 Jun 2021
I completely agree about independence. This is the problem because she knows that I can’t buy my place and that’s her card for abuse. I have no idea why because I give her all the care and love and that was never the question because I do love her.
I know that this place is hers because I bought it in her name a few months ago. Also I know that there isn’t a will because on her good days she tells me everything and we have a good relationship. The problem is that there are other inheriters who pretend that she doesn’t exist and I am and always was the closest to her..
I will try again to get her evaluated maybe with some private clinic.
Thank you for taking your time to give me advice and support it very helpful and means a lot.
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Just a word on being someone's heir... In addition to finding out whether one actually is an heir to someone's estate and finding out if there are other heirs with whom an estate would be split, one would also want to know *if* there is any estate to hand down in the first place. Just because you're an heir doesn't mean the person's estate is worth anything. My mentally disturbed aunt will try to control people by any means possible - including controlling them with money. She does not distinguish truth from fiction and says whatever she thinks will get her what she wants and she has needed prompting to remember at least one of her own lies. She claims to have a large estate (which with a mere click of her pen and a big smile she will leave it to whomever she deems fit at the moment and who is doing her bidding, etc) but I was close enough to her situation for long enough that I don't think she's got significantly more than anyone else because it just does not add up (long story short). Sometimes the person creates a situation that just isn't the case - or their will states the money goes to someone other than you. She would dangle an inheritance in front of me and imply that I would get it if I became her caregiver - meanwhile she was also doing this with at least one other person. Well, I am not her caregiver and never will be. She is verbally/emotionally abusive to me and thinks a promise of money will smooth it over and I will be her caregiver and work for free on the promise that I will inherit someday. Not so. Love, kindness, and respect would have gone a lot further - "inheritance" or not.
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Regardless of how your grandmother was in her younger years, she now has dementia. Are your children now grown enough so you can get a job? You will need to get your independence slowly, since you don't want to lose your residence. Can you do research or consult with someone knowledgable to educate yourself as to the laws in Serbia that may protect you, or help you to care for her. Waiting for an inheritance will enslave you to the situation further and IMO you should not wait around to find out that you're an heir (or not!), if that's even a thing in Serbia or however inheritances work there.

Why do you have to hide your long-term relationship? What is preventing you from marrying this person and moving on with your life? That is what a "normal" mother would want for her child. I say move out, move on and let the authorities care for her. It will feel hard at first, but will be totally worth it. Her behaviors towards you will not change, even if you move out -- because her brain is broken. You could be waiting several more years for a change in her situation or health. Life is too short to stay in place or go backwards. Keep moving forward, you won't regret it.
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Simone1111 Jun 2021
Thank you for your answer. My children are now 14 and 12, and I do have a job in real estate and have enough money, but the apartment we live in is hers and that situation she is using to abuse me emotionally and blackmail me. I didn’t tell her about my partner because she is jelous and more agressive when I have someone and it’s easier this way.
I can’t understand this behaviour and surely do not want this to continue, nor do I deserve it on the contrary because I am doing absolutely everything for her health and well being and my conscious is clear.
I will definitely try to get legal advice on how to solve this situation. Thank you for your advice and support.
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Does she own her apartment and the one where you live?

Do you know for sure that you are an heir now? Are there other heirs?

Would she have the wherewithal to know how to get her will changed? Would an attorney travel to her apartment?

My mother made some threats that she would change my inheritance, but I knew it would probably never happen. I would have to be the one to take her to see an attorney, and I wouldn't have done that.
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Simone1111 Jun 2021
I’m sorry to hear that you had a similar problem.
both of the apartments are hers. I do earn more than enough for a living but not enough to buy anothe place. This apt is our home and she knows how much it would destabilize me and the children… and there is no reasonable reason for her to be doing this to someone who is taking care of her and loves her. I will definitely talk to an attorney and get legal advice.
Thank you for you answer and support.
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She is clearly mentally ill whether it's dementia or some other form.

Is it possible in Serbia to have her hospitalized to be evaluated for her mental illness? There are medications that could help stabilize her moods.

Otherwise, I'd advise spending just enough time with her to ensure she's safe and has enough food and keep your distance as much as possible.
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Simone1111 Jun 2021
Thank you for your answer.
I have tried to reach out for help to a medical institution for the elderly, they sent a psychiatrist for an evaluation that lasted for 15 minutes, she played her manipulative role and they didn’t care to dig deeper so now she’s officially sane.. Her capability of acting tells me that it’s probably not dementia?
When I don’t visit her as much as she wants and answer her calls she threatens to spread lies about me and leave the apartment where I live with my children to someone else and throw us out.. I don’t know how to protect my children and my self from this situation except to willingly be abused by her.
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