Follow
Share

I have been taking care of my grandma for a year now, after I had to move in due to losing my job. She had a major surgery right after I moved in and her recovery was a nightmare. I was here day and night assisting her to the bathroom, picking her up naked off the shower floor, changing her bedpan, putting her maxi pads on her underware, catching her as she fainted and fell up to 6 times a day. I have watched her bang her face and head into walls and have marks so horrfiying she has been questioned as to what happened to her by doctors and friends.

During the month after surgery I was down to 3 hours sleep a night. During this time my family was no where to be found. my dad would come by every day and check in but was quick to leave. my aunt promised she would be here and move in to help take care of her til she was better and the second my gram got out of the hospital and was giving us rtrouble my aunt booked it and hasn't looked back. she is absolutely zero help to me. I am basically doing her job because it is her mother, my grandmother.

I am all my grandma has. But she shows no appreciation. she fights me, argues with me, if I tell her she should do something for her own good she has to prove me wrong by doing the opposite and hurting herself. Last week I watched her fall and bang her head against a table and bleed all over and no one was around to help.

she gets confused daily. every hour of every day she "can't find something" I have to look for her. She has two bank accounts and overdraws and can't remember what is in what. I have been living here a year and she says to me every day "I need to cancel one of these its too confusing"

I have to repeat things to her numerous times a day she can't remember. when I said one day "you have a bad memeory" she yelled at me saying she did not have a bad memory she remembered things fine.

It is very difficult for me to deal with this. I just turned 29. On top of being hassled daily by her, watching her fall, not eat, and then drive after doing all of this (I have tried reporting her they say only doctor or cop can) I have to also watch my grandma basically wither into this person I do not know.

I have ptsd from her falls (I am not making light of the illness) any bang or sound I hear in the house I jump and my heart stops beating I think she is falling and hurting herself. I cry for no reason alot lately. I wake up mad at her and go to bed mad at her because all she does is pace the house and I hear every sound and I can't take it anymore. she hums all day because of the parkinsons and I can't take it anymore.

I am at my breaking point. I tell my mom and boyfriend when it gets to hard they just say "oh you are doing good stay strong" my aunt does not help at all when I go to her. my dad is in denial. none of my cousins stop by at all. it is like it is just me and I get the bad end of it because my gram takes it all out on me.

I have no insurance to see a therapist. I just don't know what to do anymore.

my gram should not be driving, she should be eating healthier, she should be looking into getting a nurse or assistant when I move out (whihc I desperately want to move out by february, no ONE believs me that I Am moving out)

this has been piled on me because I was unfortnant enough to lose my job a year ago and had no where else to go. the whole family knows I am here so they just let me deal with it. it is no concern to them.

I volunteeered to work thanksgiving just so I won't have to be here around my family and deal with everything. that is so sad. I forfeit my thanksgiving while they all get to enjoy it with my gram, when I am the one taking care of her all year

and worse of it all my gram has not once said thank you to me. she doesn't seem to appreciate it. when I do things she doesn't notice.

I feel so alone and taken advantage of and depressed I just don't know how much more of this I can handle. and no one is listening ot me.

how do I get through to people? I wish I could move out but I just can't right now I am almost there though.

thank you for listening. even if there is no advice out there at least someone listened to me. thank you.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
wow, debralee .. really?

Let's take a look at this from a realistic standpoint. Gramma provided a place to live. Let's assign that $2000 a month for room and board. Now .. let's see .. 20 to 22 hours a day, seven days a week. Being generous and rounding it out, that's about $3.50 an hour. Hmm .. I guess Talk should be grateful, huh?

*shuts up before she growls worse*
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Amen, TalkThatTalk. All I could think is what could your family be dreaming to put a young person in a situation like this. My only advice is to look for a job and make arrangements to get out of that situation. It sounds like your family is taking advantage of your misfortune. Shame on them! You are too young to be going through what you are. You still have a life to build. We are with you. I hope you can find the perfect job.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Debralee .. has someone recently taken advantage of your good graces? You're coming on very strong, here. It's been 3 days, over a holiday weekend. If it had been me, reading your posts, I'd've closed the site and never come back. I reach out for help and get slammed? No thanks.

(And, btw, if I ever post a whiney post, please don't bother to respond, I'm sure I'll have been entirely misunderstood by you.)
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Save yourself and get out. Notify the DMV and fill out the bad driver report, you will save someone else's life too. "Be strong" is a cop out for the absent people who refuse to help you. You are fading in strength and you know it, save your own life first. If you do not survive, you can't save anyone else either.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Debralee, no need to get nasty. We all know caregiving is soul-destroying.

Talk that talk, Vent all you want. We understand.

Make specific plans about how you will get out. Every day, take a step toward freedom. Put a dollar in the piggy bank. Look for a better job.

If she is falling all the time, she should be reported to Adult Protective services or social services as a person in need of care. Her situation is not safe, and it shouldn't be up to you to solve the problem with no help from the family.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

This site is a place for help for those caregiving. TTT9 came on here asking for advice. If you really read her post Twice, then did you notice that she is only age 29? When I found this site, I thought I was young - age 46 - compared to most of the posters here- over 50. This young lady is just beginning her life. She must have dreams and now she's stuck with grandmother.

Ungrateful, user? Where in her post shows this? She stayed a year ago to help GM. After GM's surgery, she did the 24/7 caring for her. When GM fell, she had to pick her up all by herself. Do you know how difficult it is to lift an adult person off the floor? My father fell several times. In the end, I had to drag the single sofa to him so that he can pull himself off the floor. TTT9 is Only 29 years old and GM's children fled their responsibilities to their very own mother. TTT9 has no POA or Anything to help with GM's situation. And why on earth would GM listen to her? TTT9 is ONLY her grandchild. My father wouldn't even listen to me - his own daughter. So, I can see where TTT9 is at. I don't see her as taking advantage of GM. I think ALL of them are the ones taking advantage of TTT9.

TTT9, you are way too young to be caregiving GM alone. You're working now. In your spare time, start looking for a decent place to stay. Even if it means approaching the federal govt to help you find a temporary place to stay in which you will help supplement with your income.

In the meantime, please start calling around like the APS (adult protective service) and ask if they have brochures or a site to help you with GM. Also call the Aging Care in your area. Look in the phone book and call around. Start by educating yourself with caregiving and how to respond to those who have dementia. Your GM definitely sounds a lot like those who is going down the senile lane. Please watch the Teepa Snow videos. Know what you are doing is making the situation worse. As GM's main caregiver - you will always be the bad guy. Time to educate yourself and Plan goals : save $, use GM's money for ALL her expenses, find a decent place to move in to, find how GM is to live by herself (hence the Aging Care and APS), etc... GM will eventually need 24/7 help that requires more than just one person. We all feel guilty but remember, GM has children. They should be the one shouldering this responsibility. Because eventually, you might end up doing this with your own parents.

Not everyone here believes that you are ungrateful. I can see from your post that you are doing your darn best and everyone in the family has disappointed you. They abandoned you. And deep inside, you have learned where you stand from everyone - even your own parents. So sorry... ufortunately, that's nothing new. Most of us have been abandoned to caregive with no help from others. You take care, and start strategizing. {{ hugs }}
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Find a job. Any job. You can work on upgrading later.

Find an apartment. Even a room in a boarding house.

Give notice. Move out.

Explain what you are willing/able to do to help with Gramma. One weekend a month? Help her get dressed and settled before you leave for work each day? Set up her medicines? Helping out is appropriate. Taking on the full responsibility is not.

Stop letting family take shameless advantage of you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Dear 'talk' --- There is a form of dementia associated with Parkinson's. It is called Lewy body dementia. Do an internet search and see if some of your grandmother's actions are listed as symptoms. If so, it's time for a doctor's appointment. And, yes, it is REALLY time for more help in home or in facility. AND this help needs to be provided by your Dad and Aunt. Line up your options and get moving. As for a therapist, there are groups that do sliding scale fees, find one. And sign up for health insurance as of the start of the new year. Mental health is included in all of the new coverages. Keep us posted.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

And what I read is that she moved in, due to circumstances, and stayed DESPITE her grandmother's conditions, without further assistance from the family. A desperate cry for help. When you've completely run out of energy and vitality and see no resources in sight, who even has the thought process to be grateful for much of anything. Especially when the rest of the 'family' chooses to ignore it.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I also want to say, I AM grateful to have a place to live. I may not of mentioned that before, but I was frazzled in my first post, and my last post I was mad... but I have calmed and read more of the answers. and please understand I am grateful. everyday.

I feel though, as others have mentioned, I am being taken advantage of. my grandma, family, everyone think that because I am not in a spot to get out it is ok to just let me deal with it all since I am here.

I mention moving to anyone and they throw tons of reasons at me why it wouldn't work right now. no encouragement no "yea good idea" nothing... just "oh it wouldn't work because......" which shows right there they don't want to deal with this.

I have stayed this long not because I need a place to stay, I could live on my moms couch if I REALLY REALLY needed to, which would not be pleasent but it would be better than this sometimes. I would never dream in a million years of abandoning her.

I go to visit my friends or boyfriend for a night and all I do is think if she is ok. I worry she won't take her meds. I worry she will fall and I wont be there. I always have her on my mind.

mornings are worse and I have to work alot of mornings and I always have to leave when she is faint, and I worry all day at work she is doing bad.

so I most certainly am not in this for a roof over my head. I am sorry for calling you crazy Deb, that was out of anger. but please try and realize what I am going through. I am not at all trying to take advantage of my grandmother. I am trying to keep her alive.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.