Hi Community, thought I would jump right in there, as the prompt suggested… My name is Sherie and I could probably write three or more pages. I’ll try to not verbally vomit all over this page and post I am currently a live-in 24 hour caregiver for my mother. My father is at an inpatient acute facility , but the way things are going. Looks like he’s gonna wind up in long-term care?
First, I would like to say, “none of us signed up for this." The people that are sick in our lives never signed up for this. I get that!
I was reunited with my parents last October after a six year excommunication that was devastating to me and my daughter’s more on that in another post. Gag. lol My Mom was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer last January and at that time I was a full-time Registered Nurse working locally and also traveling . I immediately said I want to go through every step of this with you and that’s just what I did. That being said I took an “as needed.” PRN position with my nursing firm so that I could be there with her FOR THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY . I even left my beloved two bedroom two bath condo I had had for the last six years again, another post another time.My mom underwent the chemotherapy quite well, but did have quite a few appointments as well as my dad was still in the house and he had a ton of appointments as well so managing their appointments and helping my mom care for my dad was what I was doing and here comes the unexpected part…sometime in July, not sure if it was from one of the three times my Mom was hospitalized during her chemotherapy for sepsis, but something attacked her nerve endings in her hands and feet and she is having extreme neuropathy and can’t walk without the use of a walker. She is getting better and they say it might’ve been a virus or something. I’ve been a nurse for 17 years so I’m pretty ’m sure it has to do with those three hospitalizations within a matter of four months. My mom is able to get around using a walker and is getting stronger every day but still has her moments of terror when she does lose her balance or tries to go unassisted. Regarding my Dad, when I first moved in with them, which was of May of this year, my dad was functioning fine then my mom fell and broke her hip. She had to go for six weeks to an inpatient rehab, where she thrived. My parents have been married for 58 years so needless to say he felt like his other half was literally not there, his will to live was gone and his “life” was not at their home but at a rehab facility away from him. Mom had hip surgery and even though I took her almost daily to visit, they had never been apart for more than two days. He wouldn’t eat get a walk move or anything so of course that landed him in the hospital and guess where he “landed” at the same inpatient rehab for him to get stronger which he did but now is having some neurological issues as well so I’m not sure what’s gonna happen as mentioned in the beginning of this text that he is currently in a facility. No exaggerating one bit but it’s been six months that I’ve been out of the house on my own 3 times and I’m losing my mind. My mom and I are constantly at each other’s throats and I have three brothers who are passively supportive from Ohio lol I’ve tried to tell my mom that we made a mistake by not putting a contract in place with boundaries, etc. but literally everything was like a blur so how do I go now and try to salvage this relationship and my own mental health by putting a contract in place? Thanks in advance you’re desperate but hopeful new friend.
That is what you said. I think I want you to read that back to yourself a few times. Because, Sherie, this isn't working.
Like you I am an RN lifelong. I have now been retired for 20 years. I am 83.
Like your mother, I am on my second bout with triple negative breast cancer. My first bout was four decades ago, so I have gone from uni to flattie.
Let me first say that your mention of "something" having attacked the nerve endings peripherally make me want to remind you that chemo is notorious for this. For those of us beset with cancer we know that the "cure" or the "buying ourselves more time" is very costly to our systems. I know you are aware of that as an RN as well.
Now let me tell you the differences. My own daughter is not an RN, but were she one, I would never in a billion years accept HER as my 24/7 nurse, thus muddying the waters of our relationship which is loving mom and loving daughter. She lives two states away. I would not intrude on the best years of her life, newly retired. Whether I live or die isn't the question here. The fact is that I HAVE HAD MY LIFE and she needs to have hers. So that is for starts.
Secondly, what you are attempting to do is robbing you of job, of income, and of being a "daughter". It is changing your relationship, and whereas people might think mom would be grateful? In fact she has accepted your help, now expects it, and is feel quilty as well as very ill.
You do not give us staging or spread on this cancer. While I have a clean PET scan two years ago, my cancer had sent satellites (as they so delightfully call them) to the skin, and my nodes, which I refused to have harvested other than the one close in, positive. I will not be doing chemo. I had mastectomy and radiation due to the skin involvement, but will now let this play out and move as needed to palliative and hospice, finally making use of California's wonderful
"MAiD" or medical aid in dying laws. As I said, I have had my life. My family understands my feelings. And we make now treasured memories together; daughter was recently here to go to Day of the Dead or Dia de los Muertos celebrations, dead to the heart of my city, and to enjoy good food, good talk, good walks and my favorite bakery.
Don't allow yourself to become nurse to mom. As an RN you already know that we who lovingly embrace nursing can only sustain ourselves with great vacations time, ill time, holiday time, salary, and for myself three days a week work the last decade or so.
That's my advice on all this. Had I taken this on I would now speak the HARD TALK with mom. I would tell her that I impulsively believed I was capable of being both mom and nurse 24/7, that I could live with family 24/7, that I could work without break or without salary, and wow, was I wrong. That I have to return to work, and to being a loving daughter. That this may mean she needs to go permanently or temporarily into care. That I will be there loving her when I am able. But that being 24/7 nurse and daughter is beyond me.
Sainthood, I assure you, is a VERY BAD job description. RN is great. But only with all that vacation and down time.
You are a daughter. You are an RN. I recommend you don't attempt to be both to one person.
Tell your parents that you're going back home in two weeks and they can hire whatever care they need or move to a facility, separately or together.