My husband & I moved my now 89 yr old mom near us 2 yrs ago to help her with whatever she needs. Mom lived with my brother and after he passed away 5 yrs ago she moved in with her niece. Mom always complained to me about my brother and they argued all the time. After he passed away then she complained about her niece. We knew as time went on her niece (my cousin) wanted mom to move but she just couldn’t say that. Finally we were able to move mom by us. No matter who helps her she blames, lies & talks bad about them to others. She has always done this no matter who is helping her but none of them realize this. Now that she lives near me I’m the bad guy and I can tell she talks bad about me to family and friends. She distorts the truth, lies and she’s in denial. She is toxic to be around. My husband helps and takes her to appts when I’m at work. He knows she is difficult and always has to be right. One example, she ask me to fix her Facebook or emails and when I do and try to show her what she couldn’t find was there.. she insist “IT WAS NOT THERE BEFORE... she gets mad and says “You always think I’m wrong.” I try to explain it’s not about being wrong I’m just showing you where it is and how to find it.. she keeps on insisting IT WAS NOT THERE BEFORE. This was her Gmail account and I’m pretty savvy about this because I use GMail for employees and my business email. While I understand she doesn’t know a lot about computers / emails being she’s 89, it’s good she can still send emails.. but when she continually ask for help saying she lost emails, cant’ find this or that, etc., and I show her they are there but she argues and denies it. I ask her why she gets angry and it goes back to “you think I’m always wrong.” Actually I feel she thinks I’m always wrong no matter what I do to help her. I end up losing my temper and scream and I have to walk away because I am so upset. The stress is overbearing and then I feel guilt and sad. My mom has never been easy. Even her license plate said “Deny Everything.” My brother use to laugh and say thats mom. I truly want to get along and try to help her in these elderly years but she can be mean, hurtful and manipulating. I have a lot of resentment knowing how she gossips to family and friends because it’s distorted and not true and I can’t defend myself or this will only cause more anger and drama that I don’t need! Even though she has done this about them before but now they’re great and I’m the fall guy. It hurts and it’s difficult to be around her. How do you pretend when you know your mom talks about you and tells lies to make herself look good? How do you set boundaries to keep your sanity when you need to help them as they age?
I do not know what testing has been done but it does sound as though a neuro psyc exam would be good.
As to the computer, I would just take the attitude of "Wish I could help you with that, Mom, but I haven't a clue how to work it either. This may allow her to give up something that is too difficult for her.
Arguing with decreasing faculities will get you nowhere. This isn't a win lose right-fight. You need to stop worrying about defending yourself. You will not convince your Mom that you are right. Please innocence and stupidity; just tell her you've NO IDEA how to fix any of that; once you could, but not now.
You mention that your Mom lives "by us" now. Mom has pretty much gone through more than a few others. If you don't want to enter that long line you will need to withdraw a bit. Calls limited to a.m. and p.m. check in. Visits limited. And the number for 911 posted for her for emergencies. Do consider the book Boundaries. Many get a lot from the simple anecdotal stories in it.
Wishing you good luck. When Mom is critical just smile gently and say "I know, Mom, I am hopeless, but I am trying every day in every way to get better." You have nothing to prove to anyone, and Mom is losing her abilities, likely frightened and anxious.
I am assuming here that you are not talking the classic Narcissistic personality. If that's the case, get out of town. Seriously, few answers to THAT one but moving 3,000 miles away.
Some people have to be called out on their nasty behaviors or they will only get worse and worse. At YOUR expense.
Give your mother a choice: shape up or ship out. I love ya ma, but nobody is happy in the current situation. Something has to give.
I knew, right from the get-go, that no elders would be living under my roof. My mother is just WAY way WAY too difficult of a human being for me to handle, and I recognize that. She and my dad have been in Assisted Living since 2014; dad passed in 2015 and my soon-to-be 94 y/o mother is now living in the Memory Care section of the AL. And we both have our OWN lives as a result. I still do a ton for her, but my house is mine and my husband's.
Wishing you the best of luck in developing boundaries with your mother & then sticking to them. YOUR life is JUST as important as hers. So please don't give it up for someone who doesn't even recognize the sacrifice.
Her mom doesn't live WITH her, thankfully, but she moved her close to her about 2 years ago.
I think everything you said still applies though, I agree that Deb needs to call out her mom's bad behavior and not tolerate the disrespect.