Never tell a person with dementia something that's being planned months from now or even an hour from now. Don't try to discuss mom moving to assisted living. No good will come of it. All that will happen is that she'll likely work herself up and this will make caregiving harder for you. Don't do it. On the day she moves into AL tell her when she's at the facility then let the staff take it from there. They will probably tell you to not visit for a week or so. This is so the new resident can get acclimated. Once mom is settled in, take some time off. Be kind to yourself. Go on a vacation. Have friends over to dinner. If mother is 102, you're not a young woman yourself. Get some rest. Maybe even start talking to a therapist to help you work through all the negative feelings that come with caregiver burnout.
Why on earth are you “telling” your mother ANYTHING about something that you expect to happen in a number of months?
Is she able to care for herself in her Assisted Living? If so BACK OFF. If not, determine what she needs and compensate someone else to “be there” for her. NOT YOU!
Ask yourself- Am I making Mother’s life OR MY LIFE better by obsessively focusing on someone else’s needs before my own?
Does she reciprocate? If not, you have NO EXCUSE for neglecting your own needs and enthusiasms. Time to be your own best care giver ever. If you’ve forgotten doing that, you’ll FIND that your “compassion fatigue” will dissipate with each kindness to yourself.
Your profile states, "I am a deeply caring person who sometimes gives too much to the detriment of my own emotional & physical health. I often have the feeling of never being enough. I’m very concerned for myself when I tell my 102 yr old mother she’s moving to a nursing home in the fall. I have always had a difficult relationship with my narcissistic mother and have suffered from severe depression & anxiety because of it. I am an extremely responsible & caring daughter out of obligation to another human being, not love. I look forward to the day my mother is not on my “to do” list."
First, you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness (you can't control that unless you are God). Next, you believe you are "extremely responsible person" but others might see that as someone who doesn't see boundaries, especially their own. You need to identify boundaries so that you are in control of you only (and protected against exactly what is now happening). Finally, your primary responsibility is to your own immediate family (partner and children) and that's it. You may benefit greatly from a therapist who will help you ease out of the emotional and psychological burden that is causing your guilt. Many on this forum have been greatly helped by an objective perspective of their situation, and the wisdom of a counselor. May you gain peace in your heart.
I watched the film Groundhog Day recently... so my reply springs from that.
I suppose stop living the same day over & over comes to mind. Start thinking about the life you want to lead, preparing what you could change. Start making small steps towards the changes you want to happen. The change will have to come from you.
On the day she moves into AL tell her when she's at the facility then let the staff take it from there. They will probably tell you to not visit for a week or so. This is so the new resident can get acclimated.
Once mom is settled in, take some time off. Be kind to yourself. Go on a vacation. Have friends over to dinner. If mother is 102, you're not a young woman yourself. Get some rest. Maybe even start talking to a therapist to help you work through all the negative feelings that come with caregiver burnout.
Is she able to care for herself in her Assisted Living? If so BACK OFF. If not, determine what she needs and compensate someone else to “be there” for her. NOT YOU!
Ask yourself- Am I making Mother’s life OR MY LIFE better by obsessively focusing on someone else’s needs before my own?
Does she reciprocate? If not, you have NO EXCUSE for neglecting your own needs and enthusiasms. Time to be your own best care giver ever. If you’ve forgotten doing that, you’ll FIND that your “compassion fatigue” will dissipate with each kindness to yourself.
START TODAY!
First, you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness (you can't control that unless you are God). Next, you believe you are "extremely responsible person" but others might see that as someone who doesn't see boundaries, especially their own. You need to identify boundaries so that you are in control of you only (and protected against exactly what is now happening). Finally, your primary responsibility is to your own immediate family (partner and children) and that's it. You may benefit greatly from a therapist who will help you ease out of the emotional and psychological burden that is causing your guilt. Many on this forum have been greatly helped by an objective perspective of their situation, and the wisdom of a counselor. May you gain peace in your heart.
I suppose stop living the same day over & over comes to mind. Start thinking about the life you want to lead, preparing what you could change. Start making small steps towards the changes you want to happen. The change will have to come from you.