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My mom is 90 years old, suffers from pulmonary fibrosis, copd, asthma, and cachexia. She is now between 68-70 lbs and is only 5 feet. This is a woman that lived independently until about 4 months ago. She has had a steady decline since my dad passed 3 years ago (she was his caregiver up until the last 3 months of his life). Right now my mom is in a skilled nursing facility after going back and forth twice and to the hospital twice. I was trying to care for her in her home with caregivers (when i work) and I had to leave my home and husband temporarily and move in with her). She can still walk with a cane but for extremely short distances and is totally winded after little activity. She goes from being pleasant to me to hateful when she gets angry about her condition and state of things. She is also on hospice. Today she called me at 6 a.m. to demand that I go and get her and take her to her regular doctors (30 minutes away) because she did not feel good and had a sore throat. She said she would not ever forgive me if I didn't. They have access to doctors at the nursing facility and also there is a hospice doctor and everyone works together as a team. I am just at wits end and almost hyper ventilating as I deal with her increased tantrums. I'm 64years. Not sure what to do or what to expect with her current condition. She is declining but I have no idea what road that will take. It is also hard when she lashes out at me. I'm an only child, work full time, and have been accommodating her for years. I am trying my best to do what is best for her and running her back and forth from home to hospital to nursing facility is not in her best interests. How do I best cope? I love my mom but she is unhappy with the state of her life (and I don't blame her) and she never wanted to be in this situation.

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Dear Marlene,

You are doing the best you can. I know its hard but do not take what she says personally. If you can try to step back and know she is being cared for properly at the nursing home. Try to take care of yourself and your needs as well. I would try talking to the doctor or a nurse about her condition to prepare yourself about how things might unfold.

My main concern with so many seniors is the number of meds they are on and the side effects of these meds. I wonder if that is also affecting how your mom is lashing out.
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Keep in mind that you did not cause her illness and decline. You have fulfilled your duty to arrange care for her. You are not required to meet all of her needs yourself. Decide what you are willing and capable of doing for her and let others fill in the gaps. You didn't mention dementia, but it is likely with her age and medical condition that she is not thinking clearly. When she lashes out at you, try to not take it personally. If she was mentally and physically well, she probably wouldn't be acting the same way she is now.
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Been through Hospice more than once with family members. My advice is get your own prescription for anxiety /depression meds. Do it now, because she is on a short road, and the ending part will have your heart and mind racing.
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