Hello I am 29F and my mother is 52. My parents divorced when I was around 3, and due to her mental health struggles, my older brother and I eventually went to live with our father around the time that I turned 7. I do not live in the same state as her, and I am not as involved with her care as I wish I was. She has been in and out of different kinds of care facilities, gone to therapy, and was being taken care of by my aunt (her sister) who is a nurse for most of my life. She has been diagnosed with schizophrenia as well as depression and some bipolar disorder. The real reason I am posting my question here is because while she has been in these facilities she has never cared for herself well. She has a very sedimentary life and developed lymphedema something awful. She did not care enough to make a more persistent change in her life before, and still feels the same now. She was recently admitted to the hospital a few times and one of her legs that was persistently bad (open wounds for a few years) now had sepsis and required surgical debridement. She will lose this leg. The doctors want to move forward with amputation. My brother and I knew that this would happen eventually, but I was still taken aback. It has taken a toll on me as well because I was living in the same city as her up until recently when my mental health deteriorated and I moved back in with my father. At the moment she is stubborn and insistent on not getting this surgery. If she continues to deny it, the next option will be to put her into hospice care where she will most likely die very slowly and painfully. No one in the family wants this. I will speak to her on the phone tomorrow-- How do I convince her to live, if not for herself then for her kids. My brother has been trying to guilt her because he will get married soon and she has yet to meet his fiancé and they will probably have kids soon, etc. I do not have any prospects like that, but I do not wish for her to end her life this way. Please let me know if anyone has dealt with anything similar or has any insights. Thank you
I think that at this point, the best things you can do are to keep loving your mom regardless of her choice, reassure her of that love, and take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
She will not die slowly and painfully in hospice. That’s the whole point of hospice, to make whatever time they have left as comfortable as possible.
It is YOU who feels like you’re dying slowly and painfully. As any loving adult child would. All the “look what you’ll miss out on” talk doesn’t help. If anything, it will probably sadden her even more. If she chooses to let go, accept that it is her time and you are there for her.
Schizophrenia and bipolar disorders are very difficult to live with. I have a bipolar stepdaughter who is impossible to maintain a relationship with. My BFFs son is schizophrenic and refuses to medicate himself. He cannot maintain a job, a marriage, or interest in his child. I can't even put into words the chaos he creates. My ex is schizo typal. And so paranoid he's unable to function w/o taking lots and lots of psychedelic mushrooms and smoking endless joints. What kind of "lives" do these people have?
We don't get to dictate how folks live or die. But hopefully we can drum up enough compassion and empathy to honor THEIR wishes and choices about such matters, w/o playing the guilt card or using inappropriate tactics to keep them here. As an adult, it's your mother's right to make her own decisions in life. And after living such a tortured life thus far, please honor her wishes.
I'm truly sorry for your pain, and even sorrier for your mother's.
BiPolar runs in my Dads side of the family. My sister died at 43 but I am sure she had it. A female cousin refuses to take meds so I hear at 69 she is off the rails. Then I have a cousin who manages his pretty well but won't take meds. I had not heard from him in a while, 73, he touched base the other day. He has been in a dark place and when he is like this, he thinks about suicide. I think if he was told he was going to die, he would welcome it.
I encourage you to read Liz Scheier's great memoir called Never Simple about her attempts to intervene for her mentally challenged mom for many decades and until her death. ALL TO NO AVAIL and at great mental cost to Ms. S. herself. While this won't "help" your situation it will ground you in a more realistic attitude.
We never convince anyone at all of anything at all in life. And certainly not when there are these severe mental challenges. I am so sorry. I encourage you to get the help of a good, grounded, in person, cognitive therapist to help you walk through your own realistic options in this situation. I am very sorry you're going through all this.
I'm sorry that your mother has never been the mother that you needed and deserved, but DO NOT let her drag you down with her. You deserve SO much better!!!
It sounds like your mother's life has been pretty miserable thus far, and there are many things much worse than death....like living with severe mental illness.
So honor what ever choice your mother makes and do your very best to not follow in your mothers footsteps.
God bless you.
As long as she is deemed competent to make this decision, you really can’t make it for her. The best case end for her will be as an amputee in a nursing home or on hospice in a nursing home. The worst case is that she’s literally homeless. The streets are teeming with mentally ill people both in wheelchairs and not.
It’s kind and loving of you to want to convince your mother to take steps to improve her health but I hope you can set firm boundaries protecting your own wellbeing at the same time.
All the best to you. 😊