I’m an only child. My dad is and always has been an incredibly difficult, angry person. He has never taken proper care of himself and he and my mom have never had a good relationship (should have gotten divorced but stayed together for me…thanks). He was diagnosed with diabetes about 20 years ago and has just not taken care of himself. He just turned 80, and over the last few years and months especially he has declined significantly in physical and mental health. My mom on the other hand is 75 and is in great shape, still works full time and helps me with my 4 year old as well as taking care of all their affairs in 2 houses and a dog. She is cognitively very normal (although she is a huge narcissist). She is managing his full time care and despite me saying that she needs help, she keeps saying there not there yet. She doesn’t even tell me half the things that happen but he sleeps all day, doesn’t eat unless she makes something for him, falls frequently, is freezing all the time wearing down jackets in the summer, he can’t hear (but refuses to do anything abt it), and can barely see (stopped taking his glaucoma drops and needs cataract surgery but can’t bc he has macular edema) and gets lost often and is very confused. On top of that, when anyone tries to help him especially my mom, he screams at them and says that he isn’t an idiot and knows how to run his life. Tonight was his 80th bday dinner and he walked outside to smoke his stupid vape pen, and then we didn’t know where he went for 20 minutes so we all had to go looking for him. He got confused and went to the restaurant next door. My husband thinks that none of us care bc my mom just yelled at him after and everyone else pretended that nothing happened, but there’s nothing we can do bc he is so in denial and also will just yell at you if you say are you ok or anything. At this point I honestly just wish he would die because I can’t deal with this anymore. It’s putting such a strain on my marriage, and I am pregnant with my second child and just don’t need this stress. My mom keeps saying “he won’t go into a home” or “he won’t let someone come help” but like…IT ISNT UP TO HIM ANYMORE. Idk what to do at this point honestly. Does anyone have a similar experience? It feels horrible because basically no one likes him and we’re doing this out of obligation. I feel like a terrible person because I’m not the daughter that’s taking care of my dad and making sure he’s ok. I’m just done, I’ve tried and just hit every brick wall in the form of his anger and denial and pure misanthropy.
Don't allow your mother's choices to become stressful for you. I find it curious that you feel horrible (guilty?) for not being the daughter who takes care of your dad. Did you have a dysfunctional relationship with your father that is causing this anxiety? Or is your narcissistic mother subtly making you feel guilty?
Let go of your mother and father's relationship and life choices. You can not control any of it! Keep your focus instead on your own new family, your husband and children. Find a therapist to help you sort your unhealthy emotions. They will let you know that it is not your burden to worry about your parents' future.
In the mean time, you should probably spend less time with your mother or father if it is causing you grief.
Your initial question, How to convince your mother to get help, is the wrong question to be asking. Your mother sounds capable of making her own decisions. I think the question is, why is it bothering you so much? Try distancing yourself from them and accepting their life choices as you focus on yours.
If your dad was like my husband, he may have intimidated her with threats that he'd get custody of you by convincing the judge your mom was unfit and unstable. That was the weapon used against me and why I stayed when I should have left. Give your mom grace on this issue.
It seems it is only a matter of time before he ends up in the hospital. At that time, a move to a NH might be more easily facilitated.
As others have recommended, step back. You have the perfect excuse, and you can make it known that you aren't feeling up to par much of the time. You must rest more (true), be involved with your first child so that he/she won't feel neglected while you are pregnant and then have a new baby (true). "Sorry, mom, I won't be over today because I need to put my feet up and rest - doctor's orders." "Sorry, dad, it's up to you and mom because I need to be with my family more." And so on.
Many daughters don't take care of their dads! You're not the only one! Less contact with mom and dad would give you the space to understand how YOU are contributing to the ongoing problems THEY have and how YOU can lessen your exposure. This situation with dad will eventually get worse and there will be an event that will propel mom and dad into the next phase of their lives. You aren't responsible, you did nothing to make it happen, and all you need to do is gestate while it's going on. Your mom needs to understand that it's their circus and their monkeys, and you are going to gestate in peace. Stop being mom's #1 confidante. And that's that.
Additional thought: Your dad isn't being taken care of on the level that he needs now. This is because mom is in denial, and he's in denial and can't decide things for himself because he's obviously very ill. An anonymous call to Adult Protective Services might produce a great change. Consider it, and good luck.
You can lead a horse to water, but u can make it drink.
1) There is probably nothing you can do to improve your relationship with your Father. Best to stop trying.
2) You get on well with your Mother, but you don’t like the way she props up your father. That’s her choice, and you don’t have the right or the ability to change her. Try to avoid talking with her about the problems. Sympathy from you, or trying to justify herself to you, may be prolonging this. Stop being her sounding bag. Perhaps make it clear that if she reaches the end of her own tether, you will help her look for other options.
3) Your Dear Husband, who “thinks that none of us care”, because you are all fed up. Stop the joint outings, stop talking to DH about the situation, and if necessary suggest that he provides some hands-on support so that he can relate to why you are fed up.
4) Yourself, because you are ‘just done’ and you “feel like a terrible person”. You need to give your own life some space and a lot more priority. You are “pregnant with my second child and just don’t need this stress”. That is your priority, that and keeping a good relationship with your husband and the children of your marriage. Helping your mother can come later when she is ready for it.
Good luck!
1) There is probably nothing you can do to improve your relationship with your Father. Best to stop trying.
2) You get on well with your Mother, but you don’t like the way she props up your father. That’s her choice, and you don’t have the right or the ability to change her. Try to avoid talking with her about the problems. Stop being her sounding bag. Perhaps make it clear that if she reaches the end of her own tether, you will help her look for other options.
3) Your Dear Husband, who “thinks that none of us care”, because you are all fed up. Stop the joint outings, stop talking to DH about the situation, and if necessary suggest that he provides some hands-on support so that he can relate to why you are fed up.
4) Yourself, because you are ‘just done’ and you “feel like a terrible person”. You need to give your own life some space and a lot more priority. You are “pregnant with my second child and just don’t need this stress”. That is your priority, that and keeping a good relationship with your husband and the children of your marriage.
Good luck!
Your husband doesn't need to worry that "nobody cares." It's not his Dad. Best for you to avoid your Dad, because he's only going to get worse. You aren't obligated to take emotional abuse from anyone. Stop trying to help and worrying about your hopeless Dad.
Don't torture yourself with worry about your Dad, and just step back. Focus on the baby coming and your own family you are creating....you'll be much happier.