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Have a 40 hour per week caregiver. Very good with them.


Dad-high fall risk. Diabetes untended. Bad heart. Maybe mild Alzheimer's? Gets angry when we talk about hiring another caregiver.


Mom-has pulmonary hypertension-terminal (probably 1 year or less). She can't walk and breathe at the same time. Took care of dad until the last few years. She wants help but doesn't want to live with the consequences of going against dad.


I live in Florida and they live in Oklahoma. I've been here 8 times in the last year, 3 weeks this time. I have a family and business at home.

If their competent to make their own decisions, there's really nothing you can do besides beg & plead for them to get help. After you've turned blue in the face from arguing with them, I hate to say it, but you just have to let them suffer their own consequences. UNLESS, you feel like your mom is in danger because of your dad's reluctance to accept help then you can make an anonymous call to adult protective services. I went through this with my mom and it is very, very frustrating.
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Reply to mollymoose
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grimgraham4 Apr 10, 2020
Sometimes that is all you can do if someone is refusing help.
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They require 24 hour care.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Some great answers - remember you can lovingly be assertive. When I was learning this trait, at first I was aggressive. Firm - loving - but be assertive in whatever you do. Perhaps Dad could come to the decision by helping him to see how much it would help his wife (whom he loves and cherishes). A soft reply keeps anger from bubbling up and out.
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Reply to LNReason
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You simply get tough and wise. You tell them in no uncertain terms, these are the rules and they will have to abide by them or you will place them into a facility. Let them get upset and rant and rave - stand your ground - you be the boss. You have to have care the other times. Arrange for this and tell the agency or person that no matter what they do or say, YOU are the boss and any changes must go through you. If they keep on blowing up, then place them. Do NOT let them (especially your father) ruin your life. It is their problem and they have to accept the only solution. Be strong.
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Reply to Lockett2166
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Tell them they have to move to Florida if they don't have weekend help.
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Reply to Lovestinks
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Can you say it's more for your mother, who needs help 24/7?
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Reply to NancyIS
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High fall risk gives you the answer. Other conditions support it as well. Employ that 24 hr care, and make it professional trained care, not some family member or friend, immediately, use POA status as needed. Fall costs, risks, effect on patient, far outweigh care costs. Been there, made the mistake of not doing it fast enough. Please don't wait.
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You may need to explain to them that you can not come to visit with COVID-19 restrictions. Ask them to consider another caregiver or 2 for the time being since they need to be your hands and feet while the virus is very active.
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Reply to Taarna
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Would your father be more comfortable if one of the caregivers is a man?
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Reply to ineedadvice
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What does the full-time caregiver have to say about your parents' situation, just out of interest?

If she's concerned about what happens when her back's turned, and especially if she has any ideas about how to fill the gaps in the care schedule, she might be a very useful person when it comes to changing your father's mind about this. How long has she been with them?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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You can't visit right now, or in the next few months. It isn't safe. Your state is currently a COVID-19 hotspot. You need to contact a social worker or elder advocate in their area and try to get them into assisted living if they live in a city that could potentially be put under lockdown, or get them visiting aides if they're in a less dense area. Conditions that are borderline just don't work right now...
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Reply to SFdaughter
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I have to agree with Barb on this one. Sometimes they need to hear outside objective opinions. First, enlisting the help of their medical staff, COA is a terrific resource. I would strongly recommend them as well.

You could also enlist help from a social worker. That’s about all you can do.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Judysai422 Apr 3, 2020
Sounds like mom should be on hospice. That would be a good support and objective third party. If not already on hospice, get an evaluation right away.
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I am with CeeCee. I believe there are times we have to put a little fear in them.

I personally feel that your/their money would be better spent on an Assisted Living. Then you know they are safe. Maybe you can get Dad to go along telling him he needs to do it for Mom. If he loves her, make her final year comfortable with no worries.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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The only way we convinced our parents to do this was to frighten the dickens out of them with 'worst case scenario'. We told them the spiral that would happen if one of them had a serious medical condition come true ("If Dad falls and breaks a bone or falls on you, one of you will end up in the hospital and then in rehab--maybe never come home again, do you want to live apart because of an accident that could be avoided..."
All the pleading in the world (We're so worried about you!) went unheard. Scaring them is what worked, as cruel as it sounds.
We also had to give ourselves space to just let the worst come true and let something happen to one of them.

Be aware that overnight care is terribly, terribly expensive. $25 an hour here in Texas. That's $200 for an 8 hour night. $6k a month! Also, if the folks have Long Term Health Insurance, it WILL NOT cover home health care of that sort.

Let us know how things turn out. You are definitely between a rock and hard place.
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Reply to Ceecee65
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Ahmijoy Mar 31, 2020
Perfect answer
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Have their care needs been assessed by the local Area Agency on Aging or, say the Visiting Nurse service or some other professional organization?

To your parents, you're "the kid" and know nothing. Get a doctor or other professional to tell them what their needs are.

But you need to draw a boundary as well. If they are competent enough to decide not to have 24/7 coverage, then point out to them that you are no longer flying to their sides for their emergencies.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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