It is getting harder and harder to get her out and about. She has moderate dementia, she fears my husband, she is scared of getting sick and scared that my husband hides her stuff, which she does of course. She hates bathing and getting ready to go out. Her legs hurt but refuses a wheel chair or walker. She is impossible to get motivated to go anywhere and it is getting worse.

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I don't think I'd push it too hard to get her to go out, until she has been evaluated and treated for anxiety.

And then I'd think long and hard about how important is it that she gets out and about? On the plus side, socializing is good, changes in scenery can be stimulating, fresh air is nice, and sunshine is healthy. On the minus side, being forced (strongly encouraged) to do something she doesn't want to do can contribute to the feeling of helplessness and loss of independence. It is a balancing act we perform when we care for someone with dementia.

She probably MUST leave the house for some things, such as doctor visits. She MIGHT do better with a regularly recurring outing, such as one day a week at a day health program. That would meet a lot of the pluses.

How old is she, and how severe is her dementia?

My mother hated going out the last several years she lived on her own and the year that she lived with my sister. Even getting her to her hair appointments (which she loved) was a huge chore. I got her to a restaurant once and then gave up on that -- she really didn't seem to enjoy it. She loved the couple of times I got her to a huge garden center, once we were there, but getting her to agree to go was a struggle.

Now Mom is in a nursing home, a two-person transfer with a lifting machine. She has been there almost a year and has left the building only a half a dozen times. This suits her just fine. She gets her hair done weekly, without leaving the building. She plays bingo at least once a week, goes to entertainment events, eats meals with others. In good weather us kids push her in her wheelchair for a walk outside. For our 5 months of winter we push her around the inside of the building, stopping to comment on wall pictures, plants, ornaments people have placed on their doors, etc.

Maybe your mom no longer needs to leave the house as often as you think she should.
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Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? It sounds as though meds might help with the anxiety.

Also, does she have difficulties with bathroom stuff? I ask because we discovered , almost by accident, that my mom was experiencing fecal incontinence due to misuse of laxatives and immodium. It took a hospitalization to straighten this out.

Also, what is up with the walker/wheelchair thing? Would it help if you said the wheelchair was for YOUR convenience?
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I would talk to her doctor; perhaps an additional med or a change in meds would help. Might be time for another evaluation. How difficult for you and sad for her.
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