How do I convince Mom it's time we get help?

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Mom has gotten worse and worse. She does not wash anymore, but insists she does! She has become dependent upon depends, but also refuses to accept the fact. I suggested we get someone to help her. She went ballistic ( she can be very verbally abusive). I have been checking into assisted living facilities in the area, and have a couple of appointments. The problem is how do I get Mom to co-operate? Right now she is giving me the silent treatment. After trying to talk to her this morning, she has stopped talking--period! I'm at wits end trying to deal with her. HELP!

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Spend a lot of time emphasizing the things she CAN still do and know. Make her idependent on those things first and then ease into how hard things become when you have to get older and less swift. Slowing down always makes for less dangerous activity for elders. Visit many places with her over a long period of time BEFORE you need for her to place herself into Asisted Living, give her a chance to meet many of the residents who are already there and happy. Shewolf
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I also think things tend to be crisis driven with stubborn elders but sometimes you have to take action no matter how much whining goes on. My Dad will hang on at home until hes a danger to himself and I'll have to force him into care. It could be really ugly.

If you suspect UTI get her to a urologist. My Mom had recurring infections and I finally got her refered to a urologist. He did extensive testing and changed her meds and she's had no problems for months now.
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We told mom we were taking her to lunch. When we pulled up to the AL, we told her we take the tour and get a free lunch. Valentines Day was also a tour and a free lunch. Eventually she found a place she liked.
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??? They said what???

Oh dear. It sounds like you are having a miserable day, so please accept a consoling hug to tide you over. It could also sound as though your mother has lost the plot a little bit, which could well be a uti, given that there are hygiene problems at large - all told, I'd be back on the 'phone to her doctor now and tell them exactly everything you've told us. I'd also give your mother a hug and say "sorry I've upset you, I really didn't mean to" - but I appreciate you're probably not in the mood for that?! It's just it used to make me feel better when I'd put my foot in it (every other day, it felt like sometimes) so I thought maybe it could work for you too. Hugs again.
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Well, she's still not talking to me. She's actually acting like I'm not here. But she does talk to herself. " He's got the dog, so he doesn't need me around anymore". Lunch time is coming. It will be interesting to see if she tells me what she want's, or she will just not have lunch. This morning she didn't seem to know, whether she had eaten breakfast or not. When I told her no, she was adamant that she had already eaten! I've asked her doctor for help. All they do is tell me " theres plenty of help out there, they will find you".
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It sounds to me more as if she is more refusing to acknowledge the fact, which is a bit different from not accepting it. She may be afraid, upset, ashamed, desperate, proud or any kind of killer combination of all those things, the net result being that she Doesn't Want To Talk About It in the most dramatic sense.

Well. My mother wouldn't talk to me, either; but she'd gladly talk to our wonderful District Nurse, Heather. Not only talk, in fact, but get her kit off and allow Heather to check her over for pressure sores and skin infection. You could've knocked me down with a feather.

I know you have a different health care structure, but there usually seem to be parallels; so if I were you I would get on the phone to your mother's primary health care team and ask about home-visiting nurses, health care advisers, occupational therapists - whichever of the allied professions tackles the front line in your neck of the woods. Everything depends on the skill, personality and experience of the person who broaches these delicate issues with your mother; but with luck you will be able to trust them to know what they're doing and they'll have more success.

This is just to get the ball rolling, and once it is I hope things will get easier. But meanwhile, when you talk to your mother, change the subject: right now she's curled up like a little porcupine with all her bristles showing, so before you can get anywhere further yourself you'll have to give her time to calm down. Sigh. I feel for you, it is frustrating and worrying when your concern is rejected. Best of luck, hope you see progress soon.
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As for bathing, the idea of someone coming in to bath her probably sounds very embarrassing for her. Even moving your Mom to Assisted Living probably won't change anything, she would refuse the bath attendant there, too.

Even Superman could never convince an elder to do something they don't want to do. Usually most of us have to wait until there is a serious medical crises before any chances can be made.
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