How do I convince dad to move to an independent living facility now that my mother has passed?
Mom passed away last week after a very long, drawn out death. She was non-responsive for three weeks. We went through the entire whirlwind of; Is today the day? Tomorrow? Next day? Hospice was incredulous as to how she held on without food or (more importantly water) for that entire time. Prior to that it was the continual battle of trying to stay one step ahead of her dementia. Hallucinations, rallying, terminal agitation, incontinence, etc. Morphine, more morphine, Ativan, Resperidone, Haldol, the continual round the clock regime of meds. It was exhausting, and anyone who has a loved one with dementia and is caring for them at home knows first hand how mind numbing this is.
Now dad wants to stay in place, and I can understand how he would want to remain in his home of fifty years. At 93 he simply can't manage the task of caring for the house, which means his reliance on his two daughters will continue. I can't maintain two homes much longer. My husband has worsening heart failure and a host of other ailments. Dad lives a half hour away, which under normal circumstances is doable, but honestly, by the time I get home I'm exhausted. Especially now with the warm weather and yard work (at my home) thrown into the mix. I'm at a loss because I know I'm at my limit. Dad has a fairly large home to pare down and my mom never threw anything away. It will take six months to prepare the home if we're lucky. How do I convince dad to move to an independent living facility so we can all finally have some resemblance of a normal life? He has the financial means to do this, but wants to leave the remainder of his estate to myself, my sister and a niece and nephew (my brother's kids) since he squandered hundreds of thousands on my brother over the years. I would rather have my life back since at 71 I know time is of the essence.
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Many people do want to stay at home after a spouse dies. They are not yet ready for the challenge of moving.
But if Dad cannot look after himself, discuss this with him. Say it kindly - but honesty.
Dad. I understand you want to stay living here. To do that you are going to need a whole lot more people to help you do that. You will need a maid, cook, driver, yardperson for starters.
Sister & I have our own households to run. We can help you set up all the home services you need.
Or we can help you move into a smaller place with help included.
You will need to decide. We are here to support you to live how you choose. But neither of us cannot move in permanently & do it all.
Love your daughters.
But knowing it is coming and having his life come to an end are two totally different things.
I knew it was coming and it still felt like someone ripped my heart out that morning.
Knowing it was coming did not make that moment easier.
And this gentleman, the OP's father had 50 years in the house and I am guessing he was married for 50 at least. I was married only 32, it is difficult to pack up a lifetime and move.
Let the poor man breathe and grieve
Let him do this in the place he shared with his wife.
The "normal" saying is that you should not do anything major for at least a year after the death of a spouse or other major event in your life.
If he has the means to move into AL then use some of the funds he has to hire a caregiver or "companion" if he resists the term "caregiver". The person does not even have to be every day if he can care for himself for the most part. A few days a week and if you make meals that can you can freeze he can heat them up.
Use the time then on weekends to start going through stuff.
Don't rush him. Don't rush yourself. Don't forget you are grieving as well.
start checking out facilities very close to one of his children's homes. At least you'd be prepared if he decides to consider AL community.
And you are going to have to tell him you will be DEAD if this continues, in which case his estate would mean little to you.
If he isn't agreeable or cooperative with you and he has no dementia, that is ALL you can do. That, and if push comes to shove, stop enabling this by resigning your duties at one of the households--HIS.
I am so very sorry for your loss, and for this ongoing anxiety and problem.
By doing for him, he will never come to the realization that he can no longer do for himself. Its not fair that he expects his girls to do so he can leave an inheritance. That is not fair to you.
He needs to spend that money on his care. You need to stand firm that you are not the solution.
Then, tell him all the things that you have decided that you won’t be doing any longer.
Then, stick to your boundaries. For good. If you backtrack, you’ll be in this same place, all over again.
Best wishes to you. 😀
I would tell your dad that he has two options: to remain in his home with full time help, including gardeners and housekeepers so that you do not have to DO anything for him, which will cost him X amount of $$ per month (and I'd inflate the astronomical costs even higher than they actually are), or, he moves into IL or AL (I recommend AL at 93 so care is AVAILABLE IF HE NEEDS IT) at a cost of $3-5K per month. So, one will cost him $26K per month, let's say, and the other will cost him $4K per month, his choice. That may make his decision a bit easier. You have to make him understand that you are elderly yourself and can no longer help him b/c you have yourself and an ill DH to look after now. Love ya dad, but I can't wind up going to the grave over this.
I hope you choose to look after yourself and your DH now, and help dad segue into IL or AL at 93. It's time. And you've done more than enough as a devoted daughter all these years. My hat is off to you