How do I continue taking care of my 85-year-old father who is making sexual advances toward me?🤢

You don't you get away from him, cut your visits down to once a week and if he continues, go no contact.

He is in assisted living no reason to visit him everyday, stop letting him control you.

You are not a child, do what is best for you.

Time to get some boundaries in place and stick to them.

This is sexual assault. You’ve made it clear that you don’t welcome his advances. You could report it to the police, and there would be consequences. I’m concerned that he might prey on residents and caregivers where he lives.

If I were you, I wouldn’t go back. This has been going on for a long time, and no matter what he “expects,” you have no obligation to array yourself in front of him like bait on a hook. It is absolutely not your fault that he’s assaulting you, but as long as you’re there, he’s going to see you that way. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s also certain that you won’t stop it because you’ve tried but continue to be available.

I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this.

Go no contact. You do this not to punish him but to protect yourself.

(((Hugs))).

If he is cognizant...and it sounds like he knows exactly what he is saying and who you are...
I would tell him that if he does anything like that again you will immediately leave, no good bye, just grab your things and leave.
And do not return ... I bet you are wondering for how long. That is up to you. If you do decide to go back for a VISIT do not go alone, if he repeats his advances then absolutely no contact. I would not expect any victim of abuse to visit their abuser.
You mention childhood molestation and rape. All the above goes out the window if your father was the one to abuse you. If he was then do not return.
He is in ASSISTED living there are people that get paid to do the things he needs..no wants.. you to do.
When / If you return to visit do not help him you are there to VISIT.

You need to take care of your mental health do not do anything that makes you feel angry or disgusted. PTSD is not just for people that have seen combat.
I do hope that you have talked to a therapist and I encourage you to do so again or start if you have not seen one before.

I am wondering if he has tried to do this with staff or any residents.

Well, its ONE or the OTHER here, isn't it?
He is EITHER too ill to know or care if you are there or NOT
OR
He isn't nearly ill ENOUGH and is PURPOSELY doing this.
In either case I cannot honestly imagine why, for one second you would EVER consider visiting him.

Innappropriate sexual behaviour can happen. Family members may feel disgust when a person's brain loses ability to understand former relationships & boundaries of decency. Memory issues may mean the person is lost in time too, thinks their son is their husband, a daughter their wife etc.

If it is dementia, understanding more about it can help.

**But this does not mean you put up with innappropriate behaviour***
You assertively say "No" everytime you need to.

If Dad has inapprpriate sexual behaviours, please inform & discuss with his Doctor. Also discuss with his Aged Care Management Team. Ask if this behaviour has been noticed to others. They can make a behavior plan to increase safety of other residents & staff.

"..expects me there almost daily".

This is a separate issue.

His expectations are not commandments you must obey.

Think about what the right frequency & type of visit for you?

In person? Or phone only? Maybe video calls assisted by staff. Or not at all until you feel more comfortable.

I agree, he seems to know what he is doing and who you are. I would not go back and if you do, make sure ur in the common area when u visit sitting in a chair far from him. You must have been pretty close to him for him to be able to try and kiss you. Keep ur distance. I would talk to the RN. Ask her to tell staff to be careful. If he tries this with one of the staff, then the RN can call his doctor and request a med to help take the urge away. Anything he wants, a staff member can do. He needs to rely on them not you. If hevwants to know why u aren't coming tell him again how uncomfortable he makes you feel. That you have told him this and he still does it. Since he does seem to be able to control himself, you cannot visit.

Marybeths, I’m so sorry that you suffered molestation and rape during your former years, and now this despicable behavior from your father which is just opening up old wounds. When anyone is molested or raped, the guilt and shame remain forever in her mind.

DO NOT allow this behavior of your father to continue. You need to notify the assisted-living facility of your father’s behavior, and you should cease all visits to see him. Let the facility know that you will not be visiting him any longer because of what he did to you but that you will only be making phone calls to him and to the facility to check in on him. Your father is a danger to you, and he has the propensity of doing the same thing to the other residents and staff so the facility must be notified of his sexual inclinations.

Cut your contact.
You can hire someone to interface with dad or request a higher level service at his ALF. If he has dementia, the dementia will progress and this possibly become a non issue in the future but no need for you to see him. Especially alone. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

This has nothing to do with him being an old man. He is sick and twisted. The fact that he obviously knows that you are his daughter and has said so makes this behavior even more disgusting. I think you need to step away from seeing him and taking care of him. This is sexual abuse and your mental health is worth far more than this sick bastard that is your father.