My mother has been in a memory care facility for 2 years. I am her main caregiver. I have two brothers that live far away. One comes 3 to 4 times a year and talks weekly with mom. The other visits once a year (if that) and talks occasionally. This one is retired and wealthy enough to to fly in once a month if he wanted to. On the rare occasion when he does come to visits it is only because it was conveniently on his way to some other destination. He flies in, stays a day, then flies out. After he has visited mom, he talks to me like he is updating me on her situation, like I'm not involved in her life 24/7. She has recently had pneumonia and a blood infection that sent her to a nursing home for rehab after the hospital stay. He came and saw her and criticized the food they where serving her, saying it was horrible. Surprisingly the food is very good. I asked him if he tasted it and he made a face and said "a no."He is constantly texting photos of gourmet food he is eating or preparing, which has gotten very annoying. You would think that you have just saw your mother in a nursing home and you think the food is garbage, why send more fancy food photos. Maybe I am too involved, maybe this has taken over my life and I can't seem to look past my mom's situation, but I feel he has no empathy for her. It's not just the food photos it's everything. He once that just "caring" about mom was enough, he didn't have to visit her a lot. My husband says he is oblivious to my mom's situation and I should just except it and forget it, he is what he is. I know he is right but the anger is building up inside. Some may say I'm jealous that I'm stuck as caregiver and not removed from the situation, but I would rather be here. I'll never regret it. I just don't understand how a son can act that way.
Pretend you have no sibling and carry on. Otherwise you just upset yourself, you cannot effect them
Jeanne is absolutely right.
In fact, she is not only right, she is also wise and without anger. Because she left out option 4: tell him what you think of him. Which if it were me could get quite unladylike.
It is indeed a question of what relationship, if any, you wish to have with this brother in future and adapting your communications with him to meet that wish.
Fortunately, he is not in a position to undermine the excellent care you have arranged for your mother so it really doesn't matter what he says - he can be as annoying as all get-out, but as long as it doesn't affect what happens that's something to be grateful for.
(NOT that I think this would do any good, but it will make at least a few of my brothers feel uncomfortable, so it will be worth it.)
Meanwhile, I was told just the other day by my mother that I "don't do much for her at all." And I'm a "nasty person" because I didn't want to get involved in her ridiculous Vitamin B6 crusade. But Sonny No-Show hangs the moon. (None of my brothers are very involved with my mother, but the other two make some effort to get down here and see her a few times a year. One has even offered to let Sonny No-Show ride with him. For some reason, he is incapable of driving down here by himself. My mother gets furious when there is any criticism of him.)
I think you have 3 choices:
1) Keep fretting about this and let it erode your mental well being
2) Break ties with this jerk
3) Maintain minimum civil relations with him, but don't expect to ever be friends
You can be as angry as you like--and it won't change the situation one iota. People either step up when the going gets tough or they flee into the night.
If your brother cared, he'd be there. I see this over and over on this site, and in 'real life'. I have 4 sibs who could all help with mother--3 simply will not. No excuses, they just don't.
You can't make people care, you can't make them show up and help. I don't know if it's fear or selfishness, it is what it is.
Having said that, I too have a lot of anger towards my MIA sibs for never doing anything for mother. Working through the anger is a work in progress.
Do what you do and let the other stuff go.
After she died, I sent him a scathing email asking him how he could behave that way. We grew up in a military family where you learned responsibility. I got that message in spades. He evidently didn't. He *says* he'll always regret it. I don't believe that for a minute. He's very self-absorbed and will probably always be that way. I'm working on what relationship I want to have with him going forward. I'm still not sure at this point.
But one thing I did learn after a while was that my anger at him was hurting me and not him. For a while (a few years), I was SOOOO angry at him. But it finally dawned on me that it wasn't affecting him in the least (he didn't even know) and it was killing me. So I let that anger go. Now it's just profound disappointment. So I'm still a work-in-progress about my own brother and our relationship.