My mother has stage four cancer with Brain Mets and I’m her primary caregiver. I’ve been struggling with having the lack of support from my husband. He wants me to put her in assisted living and walk away. He says one thing but then whenever I make a decision about helping her, he flips out and it causes an argument. This has gotten so bad that I’ve had to be put on medication to deal with it.
My mother isn’t asking me to choose but she doesn’t have anyone else caring for her. How do I choose between my husband and my mother? Has anyone else been through this? If so, how did you handle it?
Having her move into AL will give you more help as there will be someone for her around the clock.
You do not indicate if mom is living with you or by herself but in AL there will be more people and activities if she wishes to get involved.
The HUGE down side to AL is she will be living in a larger community and her immune system is not great. she would be susceptible to any cold, flu, gastro bug that went around.
If she is no longer getting treatment have you/has she considered Hospice?
There would be a Nurse at least 1 time a week, more often if needed that would come and check on her. And they are "on call" 24/7/365.
A CNA would come at least 2 times a week to help her bathe (if she needs help) and the CNA could do some light (stress light) work, toss in a load of laundry, they would check and order supplies that are needed.
You would get any and all the equipment that you/she might need.
AND you could request a Volunteer to come in and visit with mom or a volunteer can pick up groceries, help with some housekeeping.
With Hospice you would also be able to request "Respite" and Medicare, Medicaid and other insurance will cover the cost of a Respite stay. Almost a full week.
I'm sorry that your mother has cancer, but she's not your responsibility.
Have your husband help you find an assisted living facility for your mother, and then hire some outside help(with moms money of course)to assist her if and when she needs it, and start giving your husband and marriage the attention it deserves, unless you're not wanting to save your marriage then file for a divorce.
You can still be moms advocate while she's in an assisted living facility and make hubby happy at the same time.
Kgn, I'm sorry for all you're going through, I'll try not to bombard you with questions. Only - how long have you been your mother's primary caregiver? And, have you had trouble finding other services such as hospice or have they not even been suggested?
You do not have to choose between your mother and your husband. What are you doing for her that he thinks is an unreasonable burden?
But Stage 4 cancer, yes. My ex has Stage 4 prostate cancer. Has been there for about 3 years now. A good friend has Stage 4 lung cancer; has been there since 2014. Chemo drugs are amazing at stabilizing some cancers; my friend's oncologist says " by the time this stops working, we'll have a new drug".
Neither of these folks has an adult child who has abandoned other responsibilities due to caregiving. I think we need more information.
How about you get her into a good assisted living facility and DON'T walk away?
Maybe what your dear husband wants is for your every minute not to be consumed with day to day caregiving for your mom. Someone else can do that while you go back to being her daughter, advocate and his wife.
Would that be a reasonable plan?