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I have been a 24/7 caregiver for my mother for 2 years now. Because of her increased almost constant anger and combativeness my family and I have decided to start looking for a memory care NH for her. Every time I approach the NH situation I can't breath or I break down crying. I have not worked since I moved here to take care of mom, I have no doctor or insurance. I promised my dad before he passed to take care of her and deep down inside I know I'm doing the right thing but I can't shake this anxiety.

My mom really isn't that bad in her abilities to do things but she is always packing to leave, calling people 20 times a day to come get her and getting mad because they won't. She takes off out of the house and I constantly have to be watching to follow her to make sure she is safe. Then when she starts feeling trapped with no way out she starts hitting and kicking because I am following her. I can't leave her outside in the streets because she walks into traffic, But when she gets mad at home I retreat to my room and let her be. Her increased dementia has made her an unloving person compared to the every time you saw her she gave you a hug. She will not let anyone hug her anymore.

Kinda off subject :/ Anyways..... Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety How do I shake this .... Needed to vent !!!

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I totally appreciate all of your help and concerns everyone, except captain... not that I don't like the ideas you have, I just don't drink nor do I have any zans, thanks anyways. I'm gonna see if I can figure out you-tube and explore some self help, Not that great at figuring out how to maneuver on the computer yet but i'm slowly figuring it out. This past 5 months that I've been actually on here has been an adventure. Both good and irritating. One day at a time for my mom and I. Thanks again everyone :)
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ihanaa,

Do NOT hold yourself to your deathbed promise to your dad. You said what you had to say at the time and your dad would not want you to break down crying and feeling anxious all the time as a result of having to take care of your combative mom. He also would not want you to have to go running after your mom while she tries to escape because she's lost her mind due to disease. In dementia and Alzheimer's there comes a point when the person afflicted has to have around the clock, professional care. It's not a matter of you not being willing to provide it, it's a matter of your mom's safety and if she isn't in a secured environment she's a danger to herself. I know how much it hurts, the thought of putting your mom in a nursing home, but she'll be safe there.

I made the same promise to my mom as she was dying, that I would take care of dad. I tried. For over 5 years I tried. I swore to him that unless he became bed bound he would never have to go into a nursing home. Then Life happened and things changed. I shouldn't have made that promise, I made it with the very best of intentions though. And my dad never held it against me till the day he died.

Give yourself a break and quit being so hard on yourself. If your mom is running out into traffic it's time for a more secure environment. You are taking care of her by making this decision and it's not a decision we take lightly, is it? No. It's awful, I know. One thing no one told me that I'm going to tell you: The caregiving doesn't stop once our loved ones are in a NH. It's different but it doesn't stop.

I think once you've made a decision your anxiety will lessen.
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Why do you think what you are doing is the right thing when both of you are declining mentally and physically? I don't mean this in a harsh way, but sometimes we get so into a situation we cannot see what it might look like from another angle. You might want to rethink how you are doing things, what can change to make it better. Lots of good suggestions from others and some not so good. Find out what works for you. Speak kindly to yourself. Give yourself permission to be human. Learn to love being alive. Let us know how you are doing.
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I agree with Allison!!! I am a Christian and sitting for a few moments or a hour just being with God (If you can) is very helpful. If the abuse continues and you can afford it, put her in assisted living or a NH. She will be monitored and have three meals a day. Also planned activities, as well as people to talk to her that are her own age. I have asked alot of questions and what I have found that if you visit the centers and get refrences; it will make you feel better about your choice. If you should place your mom visit a lot...she will be in good hands and you will not be so stressed out. Sometimes we are not meant to be constant caregivers. And as Allison said...take care of yourself or you will not be able to care for your Mom.....You can also call Social Services and they can help you! God Bless sweetie.
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Reducing and/or eliminating caffeine can help. I have had the most success doing it gradually rather than "cold turkey".
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zans / beer..
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Oh boy, ihanaa, I really think I do know what you're going through right now. At some point after Christmas this past year, when my dad and my grandma's medical situations both escalated at same time (I'm primary caregiver to both), I started crying all the time - at their doctors appointments, trying to talk to them or do basic caregiver stuff... I just couldn't seem to shake it. I also experienced constant bad dreams and began having panic attacks. When the panic attacks started, I just pretty much quit everything and went to bed - for weeks/months. I did not know how to deal with life anymore. For me, it got so bad I could hardly walk or shower - I was that weak and debilitated from the havoc that anxiety/stress was wreaking inside my body. I was, of course, also very depressed by the time I realized that I simply COULDN'T keep taxing myself like I was, so it became a big snowball of anxiety + depression.

I did quite a bit of research about stress, and how it works in, and affects, our bodies. I came up with a trifold approach to improving my all-around mental and physical health to where I could have the energy to deal with this extremely stressful life again: Nutrition, Exercise, Sleep

I began juicing vegetables every day and still do that a couple times a day. You can learn how by watching "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead." You can easily find, and watch, that documentary online. Also, you may want to add a whole omega supplement to your daily diet because omegas in the blood is the only directly proven way of healing our bodies dna stress response. If you are interested in learning more about dealing with stress, there are many videos out there on YouTube that will be beneficial to you... simply search under "stress resilience."

For exercise, I chose to begin doing yoga (for first time ever) at home following YouTube videos in my living room. I really like this one instructor, Melissa West, and her beginner videos. Doing yoga is a very meditative exercise. When stressed all the time over a long period of time, our little brains start going too fast and crazy, and practicing meditation, and mindfulness in every day stuff, really helps to calm them down. I also learned to do breathing exercises by reading about them online. These are simple to do and the results are instantaneous - nothing short of amazing! It took some practice for me to get the hang of meditating/breathing exercises but they're just so helpful. I can't emphasize enough.

Once I got started doing those things in my daily routine, I set up a regular sleep schedule that allowed me to get proper rest every night. This was something I was ignoring big time, as things got more stressful in my life.

Doing all of these things has taken me out of full "burn out" mode and into a place where I'm dealing with life again, one day at a time, and I now have more energy and peacefulness than did even before I began the anxiety meltdown.

For me, the answer isn't and never was figuring out who/what/when/where/how with regard to my family's needs. Its been more about making myself strong enough, and clear headed enough, to be able to make good decisions about all that.

Also, there is a different thread on here called the "YOU" thread, and you should come on over there and post and introduce yourself. That's a GREAT place to vent and be heard by some really wonderful people who are all, to some degree or another, dealing with exactly the same maddening situations of caring for aging loved ones.
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God bless you, ihanaa. You are trying your best to care for your Mom and recognize that her needs are greater than your ability to handle. It's not that you don't love her - you love her enough to recognize your limitations. You will be able to sleep so much better when your mom is safe in a NH. You can visit her every day and love and care for her still - while reclaiming your own life.

I recommend really checking out online references to the facility before you place her anywhere. Preferably, speak to existing families whose loved ones are there and have been for sometime. You will still need to advocate for your Mom, even when you do put her in a place.

Be at peace. You are a wonderful daughter.
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Yes she is on meds for dementia, depression and anxiety but her sometimes taking them and sometimes refusing them isn't helping my situation. I think her off and on the meds is causing a good portion of these problems as well.
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Hello, does Mom take anything for her Dementia? If not, sounds like she really needs something to try to get her calmed and less irritated. You on the other hand, I think maybe you are just frustrated because you have no time for yourself. Constantly worrying, and going all the time. I would get her to a good Gereatric doctor as soon as possible to treat Mom.
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