Ask yourself if you would want to be cared for by a severely depressed and resentful woman? Or would you rather to be cared for by a qualified professional staff at a facility?
If you were in your husband’s shoes, wouldn’t you be more comfortable with a staff that is being paid to do their jobs over a resentful woman who no longer loves you?
I know what I would prefer. I would choose the facility hands down!
Look at it this way, you are doing your husband a favor by placing him in a facility. You are being kind to yourself by placing him in a facility.
There is no law that says that you must continue to care for your husband or that you have to feel guilty if you place him in a facility.
Caregiving isn’t a life sentence. You’re one of the lucky ones who escaped! Good for you. Don’t waste the rest of your time on this earth by having guilt or regret.
Move on from here. If you are struggling to do this, then make an appointment with a qualified licensed therapist. Depression is debilitating. Find resources that will help you move forward.
Perhaps if you explore guilt separately from your husband’s needed medical care you can better manage.
These are two separate things. He needs care. You are too ill to provide it. Of course you wish you could but you can’t.
You suffer severe depression. Let your husband get the care he needs while you work on getting the care you need. Don’t hold him hostage to a solitary caregiver who has no joy.
Guilt and anxiety seem to go hand in hand, making it hard to know which is worse. Address the anxiety so you can put the guilt in its place. It won’t go away by denying it. It must be managed. You are having to make life changing decisions that feel wrong to you. Once you have your anxiety better managed you may still feel sad that your husband is no longer able to care for himself but you will realize that you are doing the best you can by getting him the help he needs.
It is important that you realize both of you are dependent on your mental health staying strong. In order for you to care for yourself, you need help caring for him. That protects you both.
His getting care will relieve some of the anxiety. Many things can help anxiety. Walking, reading, laughing, medication, journaling, talk therapy, volunteering, gardening, singing, painting, etc. Try to find something that lifts your spirits and doesn’t drain you. Create something even if it is a tidy cupboard or a perfect eyebrow. Scrub your threshold every morning. Create some type of life affirming ritual that allows you to breathe deeper and express joy. Purpose is life affirming.
DH has a disease with no known cure. You have issues that respond well to treatment but you must pursue treatment. You must act. If you can’t act, then seek medication to lift your mood.
You are not nailing the lid on a coffin while DH is still alive inside! You are finally taking action to help him by allowing others who are better equipped to provide his care. Oh sure you could do a better job if you were three or four people and felt like even giving him a friendly hello, His chance of seeing a smile on your face is much better after you have gotten some care. Let him help you. Allow him to give you space to heal.
Reframe this scenario as you caring enough to make the best decision possible for you both. If it helps any, most of us have very murky crystal balls but we can try on different activities, meds, health regimes until we feel better. You can too!
You don't love your husband and were cross and impatient with him, per your words, when he was living with you. You're also suffering from severe depression, per your words. So why are you feeling guilty for getting your husband out of such an environment where both of you may thrive and be better off??? It's obviously been time to place him for a long time now! You didn't harm him in any way, you've undoubtedly helped him as well as yourself by doing so.
Just read your profile. You’re a retired RN. Trust your instincts. You have a professional background and know deep down that you made the correct choice.
There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to feel guilty. You can feel sad, which is normal, but you shouldn’t feel guilt.
Be proud of yourself for doing what you felt was best for your husband and yourself. Remember that YOU are equally as important as your husband.
You state in your profile that you no longer love him. That’s all the more reason why this decision was the best choice overall to make.
It sounds like it’s more than can be handled at home for whatever reason . So It’s time to place in LTC . There should be no guilt . You didn’t cause him to be ill. You have to take care of yourself while being an advocate for your husband. That is still a lot.
"You are using the wrong word. Words we continually repeat to ourselves have great power and you can't continue to do this. The word "guilt" infers that you CAUSED something and can FIX it. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. The correct word is GRIEF and this is well worth grieving so allow yourself to do that and accept/expect that he will grieve also. He has a right to that. Don't let me hear you use guilt again unless you purposely caused pain and grief to someone because you are evil. That's nonsense. Were you evil no one here would have anything whatsoever to do with you."
THAT WAS A COPY/PASTE of what I just wrote another OP. I am so tired now of people labeling themselves as worthy of guilt that I am simply going to copy and paste what I just wrote to another OP. This judging and labeling ourselves as tho we caused something and simply refuse to fix it because we are evil just has to stop.
Please be assured. You aren't evil. You aren't hateful. You aren't creating malice aforethought for the joy of it. You are a human being with limitations. You aren't god. You aren't omnipotent. You can't do miracles. You are a hurting human being. Embrace that.
Well, she said she didn’t love him before he was diagnosed. She also suffers from severe depression. She mentioned feeling guilty once ( I think). She needs freedom. Period. Place him in a facility that you know has good care and good ratings from family members. That way, you won’t feel guilty, but, will know you did the right thing for both of you. My husband goes into a fantastic Skilled Care facility tomorrow. I don’t feel guilty - I feel sad beyond sad - grieving as I pack his suitcase. I love my hubby - he’s a good man and we’ve been married 47 years. But, he has FTD/PPA (same as Bruce Willis). He’s into it for years and years and in last stage. I don’t have the millions the Willis family has, but, I know his wife is devastated as we all are - it’s still the love of her life with no life. If you don’t have money, you can apply for Medicaid facilities and stay on top of them making sure they care for him. I am saying this with the heaviest of heart because I will miss my hubby tomorrow. But, I won’t miss the crazy that comes with having FTD. I am 5 minutes from his facility so that’s so comforting to us. I hope you can find it in your heart to find help to place him. Palliative Care is who did all the work for me and for that I am so grateful.
Ask yourself if you would want to be cared for by a severely depressed and resentful woman? Or would you rather to be cared for by a qualified professional staff at a facility?
If you were in your husband’s shoes, wouldn’t you be more comfortable with a staff that is being paid to do their jobs over a resentful woman who no longer loves you?
I know what I would prefer. I would choose the facility hands down!
Look at it this way, you are doing your husband a favor by placing him in a facility. You are being kind to yourself by placing him in a facility.
There is no law that says that you must continue to care for your husband or that you have to feel guilty if you place him in a facility.
Caregiving isn’t a life sentence. You’re one of the lucky ones who escaped! Good for you. Don’t waste the rest of your time on this earth by having guilt or regret.
Move on from here. If you are struggling to do this, then make an appointment with a qualified licensed therapist. Depression is debilitating. Find resources that will help you move forward.
Wishing you well.
These are two separate things.
He needs care.
You are too ill to provide it.
Of course you wish you could but you can’t.
You suffer severe depression. Let your husband get the care he needs while you work on getting the care you need. Don’t hold him hostage to a solitary caregiver who has no joy.
Guilt and anxiety seem to go hand in hand, making it hard to know which is worse. Address the anxiety so you can put the guilt in its place. It won’t go away by denying it. It must be managed. You are having to make life changing decisions that feel wrong to you. Once you have your anxiety better managed you may still feel sad that your husband is no longer able to care for himself but you will realize that you are doing the best you can by getting him the help he needs.
It is important that you realize both of you are dependent on your mental health staying strong. In order for you to care for yourself, you need help caring for him. That protects you both.
His getting care will relieve some of the anxiety. Many things can help anxiety. Walking, reading, laughing, medication, journaling, talk therapy, volunteering, gardening, singing, painting, etc. Try to find something that lifts your spirits and doesn’t drain you. Create something even if it is a tidy cupboard or a perfect eyebrow. Scrub your threshold every morning. Create some type of life affirming ritual that allows you to breathe deeper and express joy. Purpose is life affirming.
DH has a disease with no known cure. You have issues that respond well to treatment but you must pursue treatment. You must act. If you can’t act, then seek medication to lift your mood.
You are not nailing the lid on a coffin while DH is still alive inside!
You are finally taking action to help him by allowing others who are better equipped to provide his care. Oh sure you could do a better job if you were three or four people and felt like even giving him a friendly hello, His chance of seeing a smile on your face is much better after you have gotten some care. Let him help you. Allow him to give you space to heal.
Reframe this scenario as you caring enough to make the best decision possible for you both. If it helps any, most of us have very murky crystal balls but we can try on different activities, meds, health regimes until we feel better. You can too!
Good luck to you.
There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to feel guilty. You can feel sad, which is normal, but you shouldn’t feel guilt.
Be proud of yourself for doing what you felt was best for your husband and yourself. Remember that YOU are equally as important as your husband.
You state in your profile that you no longer love him. That’s all the more reason why this decision was the best choice overall to make.
Wishing you peace.
So It’s time to place in LTC . There should be no guilt . You didn’t cause him to be ill. You have to take care of yourself while being an advocate for your husband. That is still a lot.
Words we continually repeat to ourselves have great power and you can't continue to do this.
The word "guilt" infers that you CAUSED something and can FIX it.
You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.
The correct word is GRIEF and this is well worth grieving so allow yourself to do that and accept/expect that he will grieve also. He has a right to that.
Don't let me hear you use guilt again unless you purposely caused pain and grief to someone because you are evil. That's nonsense. Were you evil no one here would have anything whatsoever to do with you."
THAT WAS A COPY/PASTE of what I just wrote another OP.
I am so tired now of people labeling themselves as worthy of guilt that I am simply going to copy and paste what I just wrote to another OP.
This judging and labeling ourselves as tho we caused something and simply refuse to fix it because we are evil just has to stop.
Please be assured.
You aren't evil. You aren't hateful. You aren't creating malice aforethought for the joy of it.
You are a human being with limitations. You aren't god. You aren't omnipotent. You can't do miracles.
You are a hurting human being. Embrace that.
My husband goes into a fantastic Skilled Care facility tomorrow. I don’t feel guilty - I feel sad beyond sad - grieving as I pack his suitcase. I love my hubby - he’s a good man and we’ve been married 47 years. But, he has FTD/PPA (same as Bruce Willis). He’s into it for years and years and in last stage. I don’t have the millions the Willis family has, but, I know his wife is devastated as we all are - it’s still the love of her life with no life.
If you don’t have money, you can apply for Medicaid facilities and stay on top of them making sure they care for him. I am saying this with the heaviest of heart because I will miss my hubby tomorrow. But, I won’t miss the crazy that comes with having FTD. I am 5 minutes from his facility so that’s so comforting to us. I hope you can find it in your heart to find help to place him. Palliative Care is who did all the work for me and for that I am so grateful.