How do I approach the subject of getting rid of mom's furniture?

Well we finally told my mom that her things had been moved. While there was momentary anger and some tears, she actually seems relieved by the process and that the house is clean and ready for sale. We assured her that her things are clean and neatly packed away. Any item she asked about we were able to tell her where it was, and who was storing it. We were honest about what we had donated, mostly kitchen items. Today was a good day. A bad day following this wouldn't surprise me with DLB. One day at a time.

I was going to vote for the swap of your items for hers in the basement, until your most recent post. No, there is NO sense in hauling things up and down! Mom's condo, still not completely empty, had a finished room in the basement, so there was more furniture down there! Clothing was the biggest issue for her. I never inspected the place, but knew there was way more than she needed. Had I known how MUCH more she had, I would have pushed MUCH harder before she started down dementia lane. OMG - we could open our own store for clothes, shoes and handbags!!! It became like a game show with each box or storage container we encountered - what's in this one? OHHHH more clothes!!! SHOES!!! I think she could put Imelda Marcos to shame. Handbags, some with plastic still on the zipper (means never used!)

So, what about removing one item at a time, start with those things that might not be noticed. Instead of moving it to the basement, offer it to family or find one of those places that take donations (you or she gets a tax write-off, if you itemize) and they provide these items to those in need. We did this with mom's stuff (they even took mattresses! Place here in Boston area is Household Goods - items are made available to those in need vs goodwill types sell stuff.)

In mom's case (94, to be 95 in August, moved her to MC Jan 2017), she only harped about going back to the condo for about 9+ months - she never asked about the furniture (that is kind of a given, as it would be there.) After the 9 months, she started asking for a ride to her mother's or the key to the place they lived previously, both long gone! But again, it is different in your case. Since your mom shared your place, that is where she might remember her things when she visits. If you start with smaller, less noticeable items, say 1/month, it wouldn't be as obvious (unless she is like some others described, who would notice dust out of place!) If she does not notice, continue until it is gone! If she does notice... at least a few items would be gone. Make excuses, say it was put in storage or got damaged while someone was doing work or moving your items or some family member had a real need... The storage excuse might not work if she decides to ask for it back or to see it. Same problem with a family member, unless they are not local AND can back you up if she ever sees them! Slow and sure wins the race... :-)

You know, as our parents were raising us, they were NOT always concerned about making us happy. They were concerned about what was best for us. It really is ok if we now make decisions based on what is best for them (and us!) without feeling guilty.

Tell her it is 'in the shop' getting cleaned up, polished, or repaired. At 94, how much can she actually remember. Tell her it'll be back next week. Oh I see a response above mine here - yes, 'it is in the basement' - some pleasant way to express where it is that will appease her is what you want to do, not necessarily what you actually do. You want to keep her calm and feel good about her (self) and her furniture. Take back your inner-furniture-power. It is really okay if your mom feels a bit pushed out of shape for a few minutes. Reassure her she and her furniture is very special and safe.

Watching my mother cling to her stuff has made me think about my own. I have looked around and asked myself what it would greatly pain me to give up. The answer is not much. I really like my furniture and my house, but I could get rid of it. I have done that twice. I was divorced and my mother urged me to keep as much of the expensive furniture i had. I let it go so i could go back to school. Didn't miss it. Then my current husband and i built a home. When we sold our old, the new owners wanted the furniture. We walked away. My mother has kept everything through multiple moves and also her parents and my late brothers and her I late brother. Lately I've been hauling stuff from my house to my mother's so when i can finally have an estate sale, ill unload my stuff too.

Bittersweet,
It certainly is not easy. Your recap today (3/5) has clarified your situation. I agree with not moving things around now only to have to do it at some point possibly in the near future. As well as telling your mother that a relative has asked for the furniture, you can tell her that her generosity (through donation) has helped someone make a home in their time of need. Best of luck to you.

Thank you all for your advice and suggestions. I especially appreciate the compliments for being a good daughter. I don't get to hear that very often.....not from my mother, that is.
Anywho...Let me set the scenario of the situation. My mom and dad moved in with me in 2005. At the time I owned an oversized, Raised Ranch style home. They lived in the lower level and were able to fit much of their furniture, i.e. couch, chair, twin beds, dressers, kitchenette and small tables. After 5 months dad went into a NH. He passed in 2008. In 2015 I decided to downsize to a much smaller home in a gated community for residents over 55. Both mom and I had to part with lots of furniture and other possessions. This was a struggle as she hates to part with anything. In the new home I was able to provide her with her own bedroom, a den and bathroom. Who could ask for more? Yet, she liked to complain that she didn't have any room. The real problem was; she had too much stuff. The furniture that I wanted to keep but could not fit upstairs because she occupied 2 rooms, was put in the basement. These items consisted of; a night stand, 2 rocking chairs and a cedar chest. Also downstairs is my printer and my stereo system. Luckily I have a walk-in closet and was able to fit my makeup vanity in there. I'd like to add my basement is a bit damp. (I recently purchased a dehumidifier.) Since mom went into the NH, I have managed to get one brother to bring her recliner and a dresser to the home. Obviously this has freed up a little space for me. I was able to bring up one rocker and take my makeup vanity out of the closet. As of now the furniture left of my mom's is; her bed, chest of drawers, sewing machine, cedar chest, nightstand, couch , end table, TV and stand. Oh, and a quilt rack. The idea of swapping out won't really work for me. I'm not going to move her furniture downstairs. It would be a difficult task and then I would only have to move it again when she passes. I really don't want to be doing double work. I just want her to be OK with me getting rid of it and I don't see that happening as she tends to get very emotional. The best thing would be to tell her family members have asked for it. I don't want to be harsh or cruel, I do have a heart.
And if were me, I would (if I'm in my right mind) tell my daughter to go ahead and find anyone who could use it. If nothing else, I am a realist. I know I'll probably end up in a home someday.
Again, thank you all for your comments and kind words.

I think that you shouldn't tell but slowly switch 1 or 2 items a week - she may not notice & if she does then explain you want to include your things & avoid too much wear & tear on her things - this way you validate her items' worth which may be the kindest way - can you store her things in your basement for a while?

i haven't read any of the other answers yet, but your mother is 94. what i did is squeeze mom's furniture in with mine, i guess of course the difference is your mother doesn't live with you, but if you are bringing her there and she can't fit any more in her room at the home, i would think suddenly removing her furniture after she's seen it there all this time would just complete the feeling of being gotten out of the way. i repeat, she's 94, how long would it really be to take up a little more room in your house and make her not feel more unhappy than she might already. the excuses, or maybe 'white lies"?, you propose are to make YOU feel better; they won't make her feel better, i learned these afflicted people are more on the ball than most people see, and you may fool her about your reasons but the act itself will be what it is. then again, you may luck out and she may never notice. lucky you.

Unless your mother is confused and/or has cognitive issues, I think you should just be honest with her. If you don't, and you just 'surprise' her with the changes, she will lose her trust in you and it will set the tone for your future relationship with her. As her condition deteriorates, the incident will seem magnified to her and could contribute to any paranoid tendencies. Speak with her openly and ask her for input regarding a solution. Keep a positive attitude with her and point out the benefits of using your own furniture. If she won't agree, then tell her you're going to bring up one of your favorite pieces to see how it goes. Gradually, you'll bring it all up, and who knows, she may be more receptive to the idea when you first bring it up, especially if you explain how much this would mean to you. Wishing you the best...

Hi, for those who are concerned, this happened at the end of last summer, when mom was fully aware of what she was doing. (I know because I overheard her telling her sister on the phone she was thinking about selling her car.) As the renal team at the hospital explained would happen, her dementia has progressed more rapidly than "normal" dementia, because of the changeover from peritoneal dialysis to hemodialysis.

Anyway, mom agreed to sell the car on a payment plan to my best friend's grown son. He's a young man starting out, with a new family. His beater of a car broke down around the same time I started thinking about needing the parking, so the timing was good. Knowing her car was going to a friend's child who needed it made a huge difference in her thinking about it.

This response is a comment on Dorianne's post - - the mom, the car, the parking garage, etc etc - - I couldn't tell if your dilemma is in the past, so this answer is for other people who may be in the same predicament, where the owner's signature to do something with the car is needed.

You have to learn to be creative with dementia patients so as not to stress them out unnecessarily, which only increases the potential need for medication to calm them down.

My suggestion would have been move the car, tell Mom it was stolen (or alternatively that someone hit it and it's in the shop for repairs), present mom the "title" document for mom's signature, which you say you need for the insurance company.

Then, the insurance company "totals" car, but in reality you sell the car and there will be money for the sale which mom can see if it needs to go that far.

In truth, if you take a while to play it out, she may forget - - but in the meanwhile, the caregiver has a secure and safe parking place, with easy access for moms wheelchair, and mom's car, which will never be used again, is gone.

(Hi Veronica - - I keep forgetting to email you - - I'm going to attempt to remember to do it next week...)

Wow I'm hoping to find some insight here. My mom's house was put up for sale and I had a deadline to get her things out. This also happened to coincide with two of her really bad agitated weeks so I didn't tell her. Now I have this hanging over my head. She's doing good now and I just can't tell her her house is empty. Everything is in storage and safe at my house, but she wanted to be involved in the process. I tried taking her there 3 times previously and she couldn't make headway, but we spent hours letting her try. Then I just went and did it myself. Now I have to explain that someday.

You rock as a daughter and a friend to your mom. I bet if you told her that you wanted to rearrange/redecorate the house some Sunday and would she be willing to help, she would see your excitement about putting your furniture where you want it, she would feel included and probably catch the excitement of redecorating and putting hers downstairs would be a non issue, maybe plan to go buy something together that goes on your furniture, runner or vase or whatever. Make it a girl thing (as my husband calls it). If your furniture has been fine in the basement for 12 years, so will hers. If the opportunity presents itself and you know someone personally that could benefit from some of her stuff, ask her if she would like to gift it. Make a big deal about it if she does, let friend know that it's not about expectation of gratitude from them, it's about making mom feel like she can still contribute something to others. Have them pick it up when she can be present or deliver it with her. Best of luck that this just turns into a fun day of rearranging and a happy memory.

I think you're a wonderful lady and a great Daughter. Its not easy handling these things totally on your own. And that's how you should approach your Mom if she brings it up. She should understand how much you've been there for her and will always be there for her. I don't know what her issues are but you need your space and your life too. That's not selfish. Just make sure you will always, till her ending days, be there for her. (If not just tell her one of your rotten siblings came over and took the stuff!!! - Just kidding)

I don't understand why her furniture gets to be upstairs. There must have been some type of discussion 12 years ago when it was placed there. Why can't you swap and have your furniture upstairs and her furniture in the basement?

I would just keep it until she's gone if it's just a few pieces. Or ask her if she still wants it. If yes just keep it a while longer. She's not going to be here for ever!

I like the idea of slowly switching out each piece. The main thing is to ask why the furniture is important. She didn't like moving to the nursing home, so the furniture represents her independence. The second question is money. My MIL could afford a small storage unit, so her important furniture and other things were put in storage, "in case she was able to live independently again." We honored her request to keep that option open. If that isn't possible and she does notice that pieces are going missing, the other thing we did for MIL was to have her participate in gifting some items to various family members and she enjoyed giving them those items plus its a way for her to have some control over her life.

My initial reaction was consistent with Veronica91's first post -- one piece at a time. I'm getting tired of paying for the storage unit that has never once actually been necessary. :( It contains things that she thought she couldn't live without, but has not needed anything from it in the yr and a half since she moved into AL. I also like the niece idea.

chdottir, Thank you for the cartoon. This looks like our garage. A sewing friend mentioned that we should think about moving to AL before hubby's ALZ gets worse. I took photos of the garage and his work room and showed her why I wasn't about to tackle it. She just said "Oh". I used to say I wanted to go first so I wouldn't have to clean out the garage. Now that he has Alzheimer's I want him to go first so I have a chance of helping him through this disease. The garage and his workroom give me nightmares. Besides that, what would he do? He now has a place to putter around and keep busy.

For the answer to the question. I agree with a lot of people who suggest moving your furniture up and putting hers in the basement. The only thing I would wonder about if her furniture has a lot of value. You could just tell her you wanted to see your things for a few months, or you wanted a change for spring and summer. If she wants to see something of hers you can either bring it up for a visit or pull it to the bottom of the stairs. It is your house. Storage facilities cost a lot of money where I live.

On another subject. I live in California USA and after your 70th birthday you have to take the written exam every 4 years when you renew your driver's license. This was put into effect after a guy in his late 80's plowed through a Farmer's Market and killed some people.

Dorianne, if you have POA you can sell. Your Mom cannot legally sign anything with Dementia. Moms POA read I had the right to buy and sell. Didn't sell a car but was able to put Moms house up for sale.

Like the switch out idea.

I can relate to a lot of these situations. I just went through 2 boxes of newspaper wrapped things that my mom was going to sell at a resale shop. After 2 years in my attic, they are being donated to a thrift shop that relies on donations. She hasn't asked about any of the items since we put them there, so off they go. I feel like this is easier to do now instead of after something happens to her and she dies.

Regarding pretending to give furniture away to nieces or other relatives, make a list and give those people a heads up just in case Mom get a call from them and in the conversation Mom asked them how do they like her furniture.

When it was time to empty out my parents house after my Mom passed and Dad volunteered to move to senior living, I asked Dad about the items in the house. He said to just bulldoze the house with the furniture in it :))

Thank you for this post. My mother has some of my grandma's furniture in her house and we have begun talks about mom downsizing into a house with a different layout in the near future, no pushing, just gentle nudging to start the process that I know will get difficult. Mom looks out into her living room with the chairs, coffee and end tables from my grandma and just shakes her head. "I can't move. I have to keep this furniture until she is gone. (Grandma is 90 and in VERY good health, and also NEVER comes over). So I am dealing with the attachment issues. Down in the family room mom has much more practical furniture that is HER style, but it's where she can't really get to it and enjoy it as it is down two half flights of stairs. We'll have to be dealing with sorting through a number possessions in the near future for mom's sake and I know this process will be difficult.

I would recommend putting yourself in her shoes.
The Golden Rule; Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
I don't think it's ever 'okay' to lie. That makes you a liar. Avoiding a subject or redirecting the conversation is another thing.
As many have mentioned, these last few items are the last things they have. It's still their things. If possible, let them be!
Compared to the huge changes in their lives, isn't it a good thing for them to have comfort in that, after their whole lives have been stripped away?
Just my thoughts...

Is it possible to move her items to a local storage facility. Some have great deals, but check their reviews. Maybe use an excuse of getting carpets cleaned and not wanting furniture ruined or you needed to get yours out of the damp basement and wanted hers in a safe place. Then take her to the storage place or better yet safe a few of her favorite pieces at your home. Redo your space! Sorry about your mom. You are an awesome loving daughter.

I like Grandma1954's answer! And that is an approach you can try to the extent your mom is able to comprehend it. "Mom, So-and-So has always admired that end table, and now she's moving into a new apartment. Would you like to give it to her for her birthday?" If your mom has control over her property and can give some items as gifts, it may make her happier. You can also use one of my mom's favorite sayings: "She who gives, while she lives, knows where it goes."

Some great stories and suggestions. I went through a similar thing when mom moved to assisted living 3 years ago. For many years I was doing many things for her (shopping, laundry and taking to all appointments) all while working a very stressful FT job. I have three siblings. A sister who lives out of state but helps as much as she can and two brothers who live locally and are useless. Have lots of opinions, but no help!

The furniture represents their last tie to some independence. And, of course, memories. Mom’s apartment at AL is small so we had to pare down. She wanted someone in the family to take what furniture she couldn’t, but for a variety of reasons that was not an option. A lot was given to friends and donated. To this day she still reminisces about her left behind furniture.

None of us expected to have to deal with this, so we learn as we go. I hate to use the word mistake because we all do the best we can at the time.
Good luck.

Can you fit some or all of 'her' furniture into a back room? In this way, her furniture is still there but you can have your things out where you can see and use them.

Perhaps move a few things at a time so she can still see you aren't "throwing her out" with the furniture.

Just slowly start putting your things into your home.

OMG!  chdottir, that cartoon is priceless!

I would opt for your brother's daughter needing the furniture and why not ask one of her relatives if they needed the furniture? Say anything that makes life easier for you. I give you kudos for being a loving and attentive daughter.