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I have been with my husband for about seven years now. His father had a stroke about five years ago and shortly after we moved in with his parents to make things easier for everyone. He lost a lot of motor function but he is too stubborn to use his cane, walker, or chair most of the time. He is also verbally impaired, despite this he is constantly trying to talk to us but we cannot understand most of what he says. He is no longer as cognitive as he was. His attention span is very limited and he has regular mood swings. My husband had to drive his father to appointments, things were really messy around their house, and we needed affordable housing so we could save for our future. So, this was the logical solution. Last April, I quit my job to do school full time while my husband works so now I’m home most of the day. His father is starting to make me feel uncomfortable. He always stares at me (we have an open concept kitchen) so if I’m cooking or cleaning he just sits there and stares. He has the TV on to the full volume so I have to listen to music via headphones, and I can still hear his TV over it. He doesn’t do anything but sit there and then goes outside to smoke cigarettes and this is all he does. I’ve tried to get him interested in coin collecting, activity books, etc. But he much rather sit there and listen to the news all day at about 100% volume. I know this is coming off as whiny, I get it. But, I have walked in on this man touching himself in the living room. And I just don’t want him to continue to stare and make me feel uncomfortable when all I’m doing is trying to help my family. I’m not sure what kind of help I am looking for, but maybe someone else has gone through something similar and can help me feel less uncomfortable about the whole thing. Thank you for taking time to read this.

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I think that you have every right to tell FIL that his behavior is unacceptable and inappropriate and he needs to stop. That he has enough mental capacity to remember that he smokes and knows how to achieve that, he understands what he's doing. I bet this is not new behavior, just more blatant because everyone is giving him a free pass because he had a stroke.

I personally would not tolerate it and I would tell him that he is a filthy pervert and you are his sons wife. What kind of creep lusts after his sons wife. I would tell him to stop staring everytime I caught him doing it.

His wife I am sure did not envision her life as this reality, so she probably isn't going to help you.

Stand up to him or make arrangements to live somewhere else.
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I think you need to speak to your husband right away, frankly. If he gets 'defensive' about his father touching himself while you're home alone with him, I'd be quite surprised. Get your concerns out there! See what DH has to say about the whole thing. While you feel certain your FIL wouldn't harm you in any way, this type of behavior is inappropriate nevertheless. He may not be able to help it, since he's the victim of a stroke, but it's GOT to be VERY uncomfortable for you! The staring alone is bad enough! Hopefully this situation is temporary for you and your DH, and you'll be able to move out of there soon. Or it may reach a point where FIL has to be placed in Assisted Living or a Skilled Nursing Facility if he falls a lot.......one of these days he WILL hurt himself, that much is certain.
Best of luck!!
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I am thankful for your reply and to let you know that I do not feel as though I am in any real danger. I do not feel like he would ever hurt me. I’m in my twenties and very small but with his disabilities he would never be able to corner me even if he tried. His wife works full time Monday-Friday. So, I am responsible for most of the house cleaning and cooking through the week. I need to stay at home because he cannot be left alone due to the fact that he isn’t willing to use his cane, walker, or chair most of the time so he falls around the house a lot. I guess what I’m looking for is how do me and my husband have a conversation about his behavior without him going on the defense. I’ve tried talking to my mother-in-law but she has become very apathetic to the whole situation over the years. She just credits this behavior to be unchangeable due to his brain damage But, I have hope that there has to be a way to improve everyone’s life in this household.
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Can you go to a Library to study? have a room you can lock the door?
This would make me uncomfortable too. Just keep your eyes open. Don't allow him to corner you. If he tries anything, make it clear that he is inappropriate and you aren't interested and tell your husband. If he ever hits you, call the police. He maybe in early stages of Dementia. Sex can be a big thing and he is not that old. Where is his wife?
?
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LorBB90 avatar
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LorBB90 Jan 2019
I am thankful for your reply and to let you know that I do not feel as though I am in any real danger. I do not feel like he would ever hurt me. I’m in my twenties and very small but with his disabilities he would never be able to corner me even if he tried. His wife works full time Monday-Friday. So, I am responsible for most of the house cleaning and cooking through the week. I need to stay at home because he cannot be left alone due to the fact that he isn’t willing to use his cane, walker, or chair most of the time so he falls around the house a lot. I guess what I’m looking for is how do me and my husband have a conversation about his behavior without him going on the defense. I’ve tried talking to my mother-in-law but she has become very apathetic to the whole situation over the years. She just credits this behavior to be unchangeable due to his brain damage But, I have hope that there has to be a way to improve everyone’s life in this household.
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