My father started getting drunk every day when I was 10. I had to care for my little brother and sister as my mom tried to keep under control. After a while, he started attacking us. I would step in between him and my little brother and sister. I was not gonna let them get hurt. He would steal our personal belongings and sell them so he could get even more alcohol. And he would yell and scream all night. Causing me to fall asleep in school and almost not being able to graduate. He would choke me and pin me down so he could beat me upside the head. I now can't even hear a door shut without jumping and grabbing for my pocket knife I carry around for protection. I was never allowed to tell anyone about what was going on at home. And so now I do not know how to explain things like what I feel and think. And it bottles up, and it just keeps going and going and I cry myself to sleep at night.
He got arrested 3 times and finally went to rehab after years of us begging him to get help. But by then it was too late and the damage has been done. I have not even attempted to talk to him sense I moved out. It has been 10 years since he was an actual father figure and I don't even remember it that well. I WANT to have him actually know what he did because I don't he does. I want him to know what he did to us and how it affected us. I do not know what to do. I am told I should get therapy but I am not too good with therapists. I have tried it before. But how do I approach him? I can't even be in the same room as him without being ready to defend myself. Help?