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My brother will not answer his phone or texts. The hospital has tried to get in contact with him but he does not respond. Because of Covid-19 the hospital is in lock down. No one can visit but she can use a phone for incoming calls only. My brother will not call her as "she does not sound like herself". He has threatened staff as they will not let him in to visit, but he only tried once. Mom has been in the hospital for 2 months. Since the hospital has not been able to contact him to tell him I feel I need to but he will not answer his phone or text message. I know he will blame me but he does not comprehend the situation. He does not even believe that that the Covid-19 even exists. He has been diagnosed with Bio Polar and PTSD. I have asked for a Public Trustee as money was going missing and neglect. He will not contact the PT either or acknowledge mail.

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You have done what you can, just drop it and don't look back.
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Who has the POA? both you and the brother or just one of you?  How can it be revoked?  Like someone else said, keep records of everything from what the home is telling you, etc.  Contact an elder attorney and find out the best options.  I thought the only way a DNR could be cancelled was by the "actual patient"......not a POA. but maybe I am wrong.  Have the Edler Attorney do up a letter indicating all information, etc., have a copy made for you for your files, the Edler attorney will make their own copy, have it sent certified.  This should cover all basis.  Does the new place acknowledge you as someone they can talk to?  If not, you can only do so much and might have to let things go.  Wishing you the best.
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Butterfly72 May 2020
The hospital does acknowledge me as someone they can talk to. Brother as POA changed the DNR order. Hopefully tomorrow the PT will get it reversed. I just found out yesterday that he maxed out mom's credit card. Monday will be a day of phoning all the people concerned.
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A letter, preferably notarized and certified. Some people are too disabled/broken/damaged to make useful partners in caring for someone, even if that someone is a parent. Good luck.
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Do you have a Power of Attorney - contact and discuss this with an elder care attorney at once. Protect yourself and find a way to make you responsible for decisions eliminating outside interference. As to your brother, so what if he is blood to you. If he is mean, abusive, threatening, etc., get him out of your life. Walk away - sever ties with him. You do NOT ever need to put up with people like this no matter what the situation is. What I would consider is either you or n attorney should write a formal letter, certified mail, and give him a complete status report to cover your butt down the road. And tell him in the letter to buzz off. If he is not willing to seek help or admit he has problems, that is something he has to do - you can't. Walk away and keep the staff informed you have severed ties.
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Butterfly72 May 2020
My brother was adopted when I was 18 years old. When my dad passed away he was a toddler. Mom is all that he has known. It is his neglect, horrible treatment and only there for the gravey train which is now zero. He needs help but refuses to get help. Staff is aware because of his actions towards them. It is the new hospital that mom has been transfered to that do not appear to have all the previous information yet.
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Had a similar situation when my father was dying. My brother would call up first the hospital then the rehab place to "discuss" my father's care but he was abusive and time-consuming, so they told him he was welcome to visit but they would no longer be taking his calls. He blamed me for that because I was health guardian and DPOA. They wanted one contact person in the family. I used email to communicate the same information to all my siblings at the same time and I kept copies. It was never the right amount of information for him. He was notified and invited to attend all health conferences along with the rest of the family and special arrangements were made so he could do it by phone. Lives less than an hour away but "too busy" to visit or attend anything scheduled. Not too busy to harass and threaten me with abusive emails, phone calls, texts. I chose to stop responding. There is no point as he doesn't think or act normally. Not only did he alienate staff at these two institutions - which affected my father's care - and the place my father was living but he has gone after other family members. I hired a lawyer to ensure I was doing everything properly as DPOA and have considered a restraining order. When I legally no longer have to deal with him, I'll change my phone number. He took a terrible time and made it worse. Classic narcissist. Made it about him.
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Butterfly72 May 2020
This answer came a very terrible time in my life. Staff do not want anything to do with my brother but it has messed up my relationship with the staff and it has affected mom's care. At this time I have been asked to save his texts as the PT may need them. My mom lives 1500 miles from me and this virus is not helping the situation!
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The POA is now revoked. He is causing lots anguish among staff and anyone who will listen.
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I know this post is/should be more about your mom but I can not help but feel for your brother.
Is he a Veteran?
If so is there anyone you can contact at the VA that might be able to help him? Or there is Veterans Assistance Commission offices they may be of some help. Failing that check the VFW in your area there might be some help they can give as far as talking to him.
I would worry about suicide a great problem with Veterans. As is Substance abuse and homelessness. Probably the substance abuse and homelessness a conjoined problem due to attempting self medicating. This due to a distrust of the VA.
And you can not take this on as your responsibility. You have enough on your plate now. And no matter what you or anyone else tries if your brother will not accept help nothing anyone does or tries to do will work.
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Everything that's been posted here about record, record, record is right on! This is about the third time I've posted on this topic. I sincerely apologize.

I was lucky enough to have a gifted and experienced therapist. (This was part of what I did with $$ when I moved in with mom. It wasn't a luxury, but allowed me to continue.) Weekly sessions for 5 years. Each week I'd tell her everything I was going through as a caretaker and mom's health and safety issues, and about how awful the sisters were behaving. She recorded every bit of it, so I happened to have a complete record by a certified therapist, doctor, social worker. Mom's still alive, I've left, and I expect sibs to be ugly when mom passes. But the recorded facts will protect me.

I'm so sorry you are living through this. Hugs and support to you.
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Send a certified letter. He has to sign acknowledging he received the letter. Explain your mom's condition and the hospital rules for communication.

Is your brother at risk of hurting himself or others? He may need an evaluation by his psychiatrist since he has been acting out.
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Thank you.
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Send a text. Most likely he is reading them just not acknowledging them. You could also send a certified letter. If you can identify someone that he does remain in contact with, you could have them deliver the news. After that, I would let it go and take comfort that you did everything you could. After all, you have enough to deal with. Mental illness in a family is brutal. If he should try to contact you and you are afraid of repercussions, you don't have to speak with him. Set boundaries to protect yourself. Take care.
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Butterfly72 May 2020
The Public Trustee is looking after everything but brother still thinks that he is incharge of everything. Cancelling the DNR order yesterday was the final straw for me.
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Send a text. Just because he doesn't reply does not mean he didn't read it. Then write a letter and send it certified/signature requested to let him know your mom's current situation - not a lot of details to overwhelm him. If letter comes back to you as refused, tuck it away and keep it for the future to show you tried.

If you happen to know anyone at all that still talks with your brother, tell that person you have tried and failed - ask that person to relay the info. Your brother has issues and evidently does not process info the same as others, however he should know that his mother's health is deteriorating. What he does with that info is really up to him.
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Butterfly72 May 2020
In the past I would reply to his texts and try to calm him down, talk him out of suicide, but now the texts are ugly, threatening and abusive. The Public Trustee ask me to keep them to show his intent. Because of the lockdown I cannot get a clergy member visit my mom and then report back to Brother. He could Face Time her but he will not do that.
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Same situation here with my brother. I'm done with him and don't worry about trying to contact him. I've told my sister that if she wants to keep him informed, it's her decision. But I'm at peace with not having to deal with him. He does not help with mom's care, rarely checks on her, and has no clue how frail she is and how much help she needs with advancing dementia. My sister and I are moving forward with care plans, daily activities, etc., and don't worry about what he thinks or says. He is not worth the headache.
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Butterfly72 May 2020
Thank goodness that the Public Trustee is now involved.
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Why work so hard to tell him anything he refuses to hear? Does he call you to rant and rave or you are to just frustrated with trying to call him? If you are the one dealing with your mother's care, does it matter if your brother is not involved? If he calls you to argue there is no COVID19 or say the hospital people are idiots, don't argue with him, just hang up.
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Butterfly72 May 2020
He rants and argues and is in complete denial. Yesterday the nurse tried to explain the situation with mom but he said "she is a strong woman" The nurse called me to let me know. He had phoned the nurse wanting to take mom home.
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You just have to know that you have done what you can to contact him and keep him informed of your mother’s illness. What he chooses to do with that information is up to him. My husband’s sister has completely shut herself off from family and recently even her youngest son who at 27 finally broke away from her and started a life of his own. It took a long time and several incidents before my husband had to shut her out of our lives and their younger sister has a restraining order against her as she continues to make harassing phone calls pretending to be and attorney and threatening to sue her. Other than seeing her at FIL funeral we have had no contact for close to 15 years. Notifications of another brother and sister passing has been made through her adult sons.
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Butterfly72 May 2020
Thank you for your reply. Now that the Public Trustee is involved I will try and take each day as it comes. If the threats continue then I will have to think about a restraining order.
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Sending a certified letter, getting confirmation that he received the letter is the way to go. BUT he may never sign for the letter. He may refuse to sign for it.
This is part of his broken brain. (Bi Polar and PTSD) so in some respects he can not be "blamed" for this anymore than a person with Dementia can be blamed for their behavior.
If you know of a friend of his that he trusts I would contact them and ask them to relay the message.
If he is a Veteran does he have a contact at the VA that might help in this situation?
Just knowing that you have done what you could to connect him and your mom is all that you can do. You have tried, Hospital has tried.
To quote my Grandma..you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. In other words you have given him every opportunity to contact mom yet he either can't or won't
Can't and Won't are two important things.
If he Can't it may be because he can not admit that his mom is dying and when that happens he will have lost a very important connection in his life.
If he Won't it may be because he does not realize how serious this is, his broken brain won't accept the fact that this is real.
As much as he might not admit this he may very well need you emotionally when your mom dies. This may send him into a tailspin.
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Maryjann May 2020
Maybe just receipt of delivery. At least you will have that proof that you tried.
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He's cut himself off. So you can't. Don't feel guilt and if he's abusive just don't. You can't tell him if he won't let you. And since he's cut her off too then why even bother? If he contacts you, you can call him them.

My x-sister in law cut me off so I had to tell her via e-mail her mother had passed. Not the best way to give the news. But not my fault and I refused to feel guilt over it.
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Document everything in writing. Send letters via Certified Mail-Return Receipt - where he must sign for the letter.

His mental illness may be responsible for his behavior - but it does not "excuse" it. However, you still need the documentation to protect yourself for the future legal battle that I see forthcoming.
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Butterfly72 May 2020
I have documented every thing for at least the last 4 years. I have a daily log of when he went to help her or not, if he brought her food or not. He needs help and my mom used to ask me to look after him when she was gone as she said he needed help. I told mom that he would not accept help from me nor did I have the financial ability to care for him. Mom seemed okay with my answer at that time. Now she asks me to find someone that can help him. Mom does not need this stress right now.
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If he Cared, He would Answer you. HE KNOWS.
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Grandma1954 May 2020
This man has a broken brain, mentally ill, so I really do not think he can be 100% responsible for his actions.
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Another sibling from hell. I would trade my brother for your brother! First off, start a daily diary and document everything. He will probably ignore any certified mail, but that is worth a try. He probably needs to be served by a legal service. You can file a restraining order against him, especially if he threatens you or anyone. It is time to seek legal advice. There are pro bono and inexpensive elder abuse lawyers that can offer the best solution, or maybe your city/county has an elder abuse department.,
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Butterfly72 May 2020
The Public Trustee has now said he would deal with him. Everything is documented. Three Social Workers have documented his inability of caring for mom. It is now just a matter of time for things to fall into place. I am tired of the worry for both of my mother and myself!
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I'm going to suggest a registered letter as well or at least some attempt in writing. I was involved with a house cleanout where homeowner was being placed in a facility. Unstable family member started making noise about some of her treasures/heirlooms/etc (far as I could tell it was all JUNK) that were supposedly being stored at the house that was being cleaned out. She knew about the cleanout and did not show up. Family sent email and one letter about the cleanout and she STILL did not come get her stuff. Situation was difficult for all concerned and extra drama about "stuff" was inappropriate. Her belongings (if there ever were any in the first place) seemed most important to her - even more so than the fact that loved one was going to a facility! Sad. However, knowing that an attempt was made in writing takes it to a higher level and it did provide as much closure to the family as there will ever be when a family member acts this way. I recommend it.
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Butterfly72 May 2020
Plans have been made to secure anything in the apartment that belongs to mom. When she get moved to a comfort care home these things will be there for her. There is no one else in the family so being the eldest I have to make a lot of decisions as now directed by the Public Trustee.
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There is nothing you can do here. You have tried. Your facility has tried. That is what is required of you. It is time now to back away, withdraw from this person. If you wish to avoid any repercussions in future, accusations that you made no attempt to contact him, act with her facility to send a registered letter telling your brother where your mother is living now for comfort care. That will avoid his saying you made to attempt to tell him in the future.
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Butterfly72 May 2020
Thank you. Everything is documented and the Public Trustee is now involved. It now becomes a waiting game.
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Have you tried sending Certified Mail-Return Receipt? Your receipt is guarantee he received it. Make a copy and keep records. Sounds like you've done all you can to inform him. Do you know of a friend of his who might tell him for you? Sounds like he's in desperate need of therapy. Is he a Veteran? If so, you could contact the VA with your concerns. Once you've done all you can, please try not to worry - concentrate on your mom. Hugs to you. 🤍🤍
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Butterfly72 May 2020
I do have a friend of the family who works with people with challenges. He has offered to go visit my brother and try to help him realize what is going on. My brother is almost 60 years old. Brother lost his cell phone again so there absolutely no way to contact him. Any mail that is sent has been registered and will continue to be sent registered with return receipt. Once the apartment has been emptied and the locks changed this part will be over. I talk to mom several times a day but she is unable to have a conversation any longer. I just hope that I am doing everything in my power to give my mom some peace.
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Stay put of it. He has made his decision and you need to protect yourself.
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Butterfly72 May 2020
Thank You
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I think you would be best advised to leave your brother alone. Ask the hospital to continue to leave messages for him, and hope that he will respond.

If you persist in trying to contact him it will look like a sh*t-stirring exercise; and he'll blame you anyway, whatever you do. Just leave him be.
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dlpandjep May 2020
I just love this forum! 😁
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I wouldn't worry about it. Let the PT continue to contact him. When they can't they may be able to override his POA for neglect.

So sorry Mom has been put on comfort care.
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Butterfly72 May 2020
The POA has been revoked! He had wanted the DNR withdrawn as well as the comfort care. Now mom can be at peace.
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