How do I apologize to my children ahead of time?

I'm a big fan of open and frequent communication. At the first family meeting I called after my husband was diagnosed with dementia, I had folder for each of the kids and the two oldest grandkids. It contained the best article I could find about Coy's dementia, a copy of the POA forms (not finalized yet), a copy of his healthcare directive. We sat around a table, with the out-of-state daughter on speaker phone, and talked about all these things. His healthcare directive said he wanted no extraordinary measures to prolong his life, and named me as his medical POA. He said he wanted to be cremated. I asked if any of the kids had a problem with cremation. I wouldn't change anything if one did, but we could spend a little more time on that issue. I explained my intention of keeping Coy home as long as I could give him good care, but that the time might come when the dementia became too much for me to handle. I think that was the meeting where we discussed the role of POA and who would be best suited to be my backup.

Then I set up a CaringBridge website where I frequently posted updates about Coy's progress and difficult decisions we faced, and how we went about making them.

No one could ever say they didn't know what was going on.

I think being open and honest with all of your children, including talking to them all at the same time or sending all of them the same email, so you are sure they all get the same message is the best way to prepare them for what might lie ahead. There is no need to apologize for getting old -- they'll do that someday, too.

About the unequal help you get. My advice always is to pay the one who helps you. Draw up a caregiving agreement spelling out what she does and what payment she will receive. This can be at a family discount compared to agency rates, but it will show her you recognize her special attentions. DO NOT promise to leave her extra in your will. Just don't go there. Pay her in the here and now. If you are communicating regularly with all of the kids, they should accept this as reasonable and fair.

Please, ask for help as you need it. Are the children who now help less living close enough to do some tasks? If it is hard for them to actually do hand-on care for their father, could they do other things to free up your time and energy? Could one come over and do your laundry Wednesday evening? The other come and mop and vacuum on Saturdays? They may not want to do these things, and that is OK, but please give them the opportunity to help.

Bless you for being so caring of your children's feelings. But there is no need to apologize, in advance or otherwise.

This almost sounds like you do not think they will not have the time necessary to help with what is needed. Don't try to manipulate of make them feel guilty. Had my mom said this to me, I would have felt guilty. And that is before she has even asked me to do anything.

Where do you live? Downsizing sounds like it is in order. Do you own your house? Do not think about living with the children for an option. Consider selling to provide you cash to set yourselves up where it is easier to get help. Is Medicaid is in the picture? Get with an elder law attorney to get the necessary documents prepared.

Sondra, where would you and your husband turn for help if you didn't have any children? Get help there. For the purpose of this exercise, pretend your children don't exist.

Also, with respect, if you and your husband are in your seventies then I don't think your children can quite qualify as Young People of Today, surely? They are adults, perhaps with families of their own, certainly with their own lives to lead. Don't demand of them more than they wish to offer.

Quote: "I actually enjoyed caring for both my father and my mother when the time came but it seems young people of today don't feel the way we did."

Well, for starters, don't say this to your children! Maybe it's because I'm exhausted for having not slept in a week or so, with being up with my FIL at night, but this kind of struck me the wrong way. Did you REALLY enjoy it, or were there parts of it that were tiring and difficult? The fact that you want to "pre-apologize" to your kids tells me that maybe you know how difficult it can be.

Beyond that, simply having your affairs in order is a huge thing. Establish POAs, get your financial affairs in order, maybe even consider funeral arrangements ahead of time (not trying to be morbid; FIL has had his funeral arrangements paid for, years ago!)

Also, acknowledge when you can no longer do things on your own, and accept help when it's needed. That's one of the biggest things I read on this forum, and that we deal with with my FIL. He often refuses to acknowledge when he needs help (both before and after coming to live with us).  We often beg Dad to just make it easy for us to help him, and accept our help.  That's usually more difficult, than the actual act of whatever it is we're assisting him with.

He also apologizes ALL THE TIME. I wish he would stop. I can't tell you the number of times a day I say to Dad, "You don't have to apologize, it's okay!" So, my advice is - don't apologize. Just thank your kids for what they do for you, don't guilt the ones who don't/can't/won't help, and appreciate the one or ones who do. 

Hope all that makes sense.