How do I apologize to my children ahead of time?

Quote: "I actually enjoyed caring for both my father and my mother when the time came but it seems young people of today don't feel the way we did."

Well, for starters, don't say this to your children! Maybe it's because I'm exhausted for having not slept in a week or so, with being up with my FIL at night, but this kind of struck me the wrong way. Did you REALLY enjoy it, or were there parts of it that were tiring and difficult? The fact that you want to "pre-apologize" to your kids tells me that maybe you know how difficult it can be.

Beyond that, simply having your affairs in order is a huge thing. Establish POAs, get your financial affairs in order, maybe even consider funeral arrangements ahead of time (not trying to be morbid; FIL has had his funeral arrangements paid for, years ago!)

Also, acknowledge when you can no longer do things on your own, and accept help when it's needed. That's one of the biggest things I read on this forum, and that we deal with with my FIL. He often refuses to acknowledge when he needs help (both before and after coming to live with us).  We often beg Dad to just make it easy for us to help him, and accept our help.  That's usually more difficult, than the actual act of whatever it is we're assisting him with.

He also apologizes ALL THE TIME. I wish he would stop. I can't tell you the number of times a day I say to Dad, "You don't have to apologize, it's okay!" So, my advice is - don't apologize. Just thank your kids for what they do for you, don't guilt the ones who don't/can't/won't help, and appreciate the one or ones who do. 

Hope all that makes sense.

Sondra, where would you and your husband turn for help if you didn't have any children? Get help there. For the purpose of this exercise, pretend your children don't exist.

Also, with respect, if you and your husband are in your seventies then I don't think your children can quite qualify as Young People of Today, surely? They are adults, perhaps with families of their own, certainly with their own lives to lead. Don't demand of them more than they wish to offer.

This almost sounds like you do not think they will not have the time necessary to help with what is needed. Don't try to manipulate of make them feel guilty. Had my mom said this to me, I would have felt guilty. And that is before she has even asked me to do anything.

Where do you live? Downsizing sounds like it is in order. Do you own your house? Do not think about living with the children for an option. Consider selling to provide you cash to set yourselves up where it is easier to get help. Is Medicaid is in the picture? Get with an elder law attorney to get the necessary documents prepared.

I'm a big fan of open and frequent communication. At the first family meeting I called after my husband was diagnosed with dementia, I had folder for each of the kids and the two oldest grandkids. It contained the best article I could find about Coy's dementia, a copy of the POA forms (not finalized yet), a copy of his healthcare directive. We sat around a table, with the out-of-state daughter on speaker phone, and talked about all these things. His healthcare directive said he wanted no extraordinary measures to prolong his life, and named me as his medical POA. He said he wanted to be cremated. I asked if any of the kids had a problem with cremation. I wouldn't change anything if one did, but we could spend a little more time on that issue. I explained my intention of keeping Coy home as long as I could give him good care, but that the time might come when the dementia became too much for me to handle. I think that was the meeting where we discussed the role of POA and who would be best suited to be my backup.

Then I set up a CaringBridge website where I frequently posted updates about Coy's progress and difficult decisions we faced, and how we went about making them.

No one could ever say they didn't know what was going on.

I think being open and honest with all of your children, including talking to them all at the same time or sending all of them the same email, so you are sure they all get the same message is the best way to prepare them for what might lie ahead. There is no need to apologize for getting old -- they'll do that someday, too.

About the unequal help you get. My advice always is to pay the one who helps you. Draw up a caregiving agreement spelling out what she does and what payment she will receive. This can be at a family discount compared to agency rates, but it will show her you recognize her special attentions. DO NOT promise to leave her extra in your will. Just don't go there. Pay her in the here and now. If you are communicating regularly with all of the kids, they should accept this as reasonable and fair.

Please, ask for help as you need it. Are the children who now help less living close enough to do some tasks? If it is hard for them to actually do hand-on care for their father, could they do other things to free up your time and energy? Could one come over and do your laundry Wednesday evening? The other come and mop and vacuum on Saturdays? They may not want to do these things, and that is OK, but please give them the opportunity to help.

Bless you for being so caring of your children's feelings. But there is no need to apologize, in advance or otherwise.

I could write a book in response to this question, but it's a question people rarely ask.

With respect to the two children who don't help as much, I would suggest asking them outright if they don't volunteer. Don't leave that job to the one helpful child, and don't put everything on that one just because they're easier to deal with. Reluctant helpers may respond a lot better to direct requests from their parents than pressure or guilt from the sibling. And the helpful child will bless you for it.

Apologizing - I'd love just once to hear my mother say "I'm sorry to put you in this position. I wish I had done things differently." Maybe not every day but at least once in a while. And yes, appreciation helps too. Lead with that, certainly.

I hear that you enjoyed caring for your parents when the time came, but in past generation, the time usually came and went fairly quickly. Not any more. Both you and your husband are rather young and might live another few decades. Your kids could get to be your age and have similar health conditions to what you have now and still be tending to you and Dad. You can imagine that could be a strain.

About needing help. Now is the time to downsize, if you haven't already. Move to the lowest-maintenance property you can find and afford, and the closest to services such as groceries and medical. Too many elderly need extensive help simply because they insist on living in homes they can't maintain, that are too far from the services they need, when they can no longer drive, mow the lawn, clean the house, or climb the stairs. Bite the bullet and do as much as you can to spare your kids unnecessary labor and aggravation.

Finally, give back. Remember your kids' birthdays, and your grandkids'. Ask them about their day, when you see them. Take an interest in their lives. Be a support and a sounding board. Too many parents grow to think it's all about them and forget that their children are people with their own lives who are taking away from those lives to care for them. Don't make that mistake. That more than anything else is what makes caregiving a burden for so many adult children.

The best thing you can do is not to impose any unwanted help onto your children. Do what you can to get your affairs in order and accept any help your children are willing to give you and offer to compensate them for help and say thank you. You may have enjoyed caring for your parents, but your chldlren may not want or have the ability to take on the responsibility.

No one knows what the future holds. Apologizing to your children in advance for the help they will eventually offer may turn out to be an inappropriate gesture. Families are tricky. Maybe there won't be any help from your children. And as you said, one child does more than the others. This child may get burned out. I guess what I'm saying is that you can't know that your kids will be there to take care of you and your husband.

If you would like to share with them how much you love them and you'd like to do this before you're unable to I suggest writing them each a letter. Not an email but a letter on paper. Tell the adult child who helps you the most where to find those letters or mail them off yourself but don't mention anything about them helping you and your husband as time goes on. Don't apologize to them in advance because you don't know that they will help you. If I had received a letter from my mom apologizing to me in advance for helping her as she aged I would have thought it was a manipulative ploy to play on my guilt and I wouldn't have liked or appreciated it.

Hold off on the apologies for now.

jeannegibbs: "About the unequal help you get. My advice always is to pay the one who helps you. Draw up a caregiving agreement spelling out what she does and what payment she will receive. This can be at a family discount compared to agency rates, but it will show her you recognize her special attentions. DO NOT promise to leave her extra in your will. Just don't go there. Pay her in the here and now."

Yes! Please acknowledge the one who helps with more than just a thank you!

So many good statements in these answers! Even though my mom and I had a somewhat rancorous relationship, I knew early on that she was extremely organized with financial matters. She had been executor of family estates and she knew what needed to be done. Before she began suffering from dementia, she bought a funeral pre-planning contract (which didn’t turn out to be much, but at least she tried). She put my name on her checks. She saved absolutely every receipt from her daily expenses and wrote those expenses down in a journal. She cleaned house and when I had to do the final clean-out there (sadly) wasn’t much left. THIS was her apology to me for 3 years of nursing home care and advanced dementia where often the worst came out, aimed at me. Words are words, but actions do speak volumes.

An apology is less necessary than an acknowledgment of what is to come - and trying to reduce the impact on your family's lives.
Make sure you have the important financial and legal papers in place - update documents at least every five years. Power of Attorneys Financial and Durable, Advance Directives, Wills.
Make sure you have copies of a will in at least 2 places - preferably one with the executor and one in a safe deposit box or other offsite location. One flood at my house and I was grateful we had set up backup provisions.
If you have insurance policies, make sure to update the beneficiaries and keep a list of policies, numbers, and the phone numbers to call. My best friend's mother had a 50 year old policy that was fully paid up - only $1000 but it will cover my friend's mother's cremation if need be. And it might have caused problems with Medicaid application if unknown and undisclosed later.
If you have a DNR, make sure that you have multiple copies and it is EASILY found. My stepmother didn't have my father's handy when he coded in their living room, and the EMT's could easily have ignored her verbal advise. He was in stage 4 colon cancer, and he would NOT have wanted to be revived.
Caringbridge is great idea, but if you don't want it..Please, please, please make a list of your doctors, your medications, and your medical conditions being treated past and present. If your family has NO idea of your current requirements, they are making decisions in a vacuum if there is an issue. My husband and his brother had no idea that they had been exposed to hepatitis due to parent's having the disease until a routine blood test showed antibodies. Fortunately, neither son contracted the disease but HAVING NO CLUE? As blood donors both sons were exposing who knows how many others? With family history, you can narrow down diagnosis with odd diseases. My BIL's lymphoma was more quickly diagnosed when family history was known after being hidden for years.
And if you ask for help, volunteer to pay for gas if you can. Plane tickets. Hotel rooms. Arrange for housekeeping or meals on wheels if you can manage on your own to apply.

I'm not too far behind you in age, Sondra, but I don't have any children. What I plan to do is move into a senior community I can afford, then hope I never need a nursing home. If I do, I'll apply for Medicaid after my money runs out. The good thing about this is I never have to depend too heavily on someone else and disrupt their life. It will also give me a chance to make friends with the people around me. I'd rather live like a Golden Girl than alone and isolated. This is the way that it is for more people now. If you own a home, then maybe you can sell it and use the money to build a new life for yourself. If you have a plan, then you don't need to apologize to your children.

That's my plan too, Jessiebelle. No kids here either.

Quote: "Finally, give back. Remember your kids' birthdays, and your grandkids'. Ask them about their day, when you see them. Take an interest in their lives. Be a support and a sounding board. Too many parents grow to think it's all about them and forget that their children are people with their own lives who are taking away from those lives to care for them. Don't make that mistake. That more than anything else is what makes caregiving a burden for so many adult children."

THIS!! Exactly. I do understand that Dad has good days and bad days, and he has dementia, but sometimes I wish he would take an interest in anything, or anyone, besides himself. It's kind of sad, because he used to be very social. I also remember my grandmother, whom I loved dearly, but when I called her to chat, the only thing she ever talked about was her arthritis and ailments. It got old quickly, and it's hard to hear only about that stuff.

Oh boy Whirled,, you nailed something that bothers me a lot. My in laws never wanted to do much with the grandkids.. even though they lived 10 minutes away. They never took them to the movies ("they only want to watch kids movies) They never took them on any trips ("there are 3 of them") They never did anything with them that was not about them .. no hobbies, no sports, nothing . My parents took my daughter Everywhere.. to movies my poor dad probably slept though, to beach vacays that involved more junk food and running around than they probably wanted.. but they loved it, and my daughter has great memories. My ILs wonder why none of the grandkids every visited,, and none of them have gone to the NH where MIL is now at.. and the 2 who live near them now never visit FIL.. Make those good memories now, and don't need to say your sorry.. show your love!

I totally agree with drawing up a family care agreement and at least compensate the one doing most of the care. It is easily done through an elder care lawyer. If a family member doesn't get it, Medicaid will. I also agree that your children aren't children anymore. I will be 60 soon and my mother is 85. They are grown adults with their own life, jobs, responsibilities, and family. The "guilt" that my Mom placed on my brothers and I to take care of her has left some deep emotional scars for us all. We love her, but we could never do enough. I retired from nursing after 37 years and went directly to being a full-time caregiver for my Mom. It almost destroyed me, my relationship and the mother/daughter bond that we had. She always "expected" me to take on that role without regard to my life. I made the decision to place her in a skilled nursing facility and though I wish it could be different am finally able to enjoy MY life. Please do not guilt your children into a bad situation. Again, agree with the person who said, plan as if you had no children? What would.you do then? Also, since you DO have children, thank them for what they ARE doing. It is important. One thank you goes a lot further than a statement like, I took care of you as a child so it is your turn to take care of me. Anyways, I could go on and on from experience, but I won't. God bless anyone out there who takes care of an elderly parent. It is truly a challenge.

Piggie, since you became the full-time caregiver for your mother, what did your brothers do, since you say she guilted them, too?  

Cattivo, CTTN55! - I expect Piggie's brother's weren't so well qualified. Not being nurses, I mean, of course ;)

So much great advice given in the posts before mine...
Aside from my in laws buying burial plots years ago, they did NOTHING to prepare for the late years of their lives. 
My husband and I spent weeks and weeks going through their house that was filled (to the ceiling in some rooms) with hoarded crap. I could go on and on about this one element alone but that’s another post. 
After clearing out we were faced with a home that was in such disrepair it took us nearly six months to fix what was wrong. 
All of this in addition to appointments to get both parents back on track with the proper medications, and to set up occupational therapy. 
My husband also was able to take control of their legal matters but that too took time to set up. 
Using our experience as an example can help motivate you to do what you can do now to help your children out in the years to come so when you do need more assistance it will make it easier for them to step in and do just that, take care of you!

I was the "one" that helped my dad on a daily basis. I assured him that he was not a burden.

One day he said it bothered him that it all seemed to fall on my shoulders. I just reminded him that my sisters both worked and I was already home. It does make a difference.

Not every person is designed to be a caregiver - I certainly never knew that I was, although I often said that my mother raised me to be her caregiver when the time came. She was the first to pass and I cared for my dad another 7.5 years but it was more assisting than caregiving. Now I am full-time caregiver for my husband.

I was also going to say, don't apologize. However, do explain your needs and do try to get all your affairs in order.

73 & 75 aren't really "old" by today's standards. But if your health-needs make you dependent on another, then you do need to have everything as straight as possible.
Start with a listing of all medications and when they are taken - and why they are needed.

When I stepped in as assistant for my dad, I had to learn everything on my own - my mother had done so much of the work that Pop just didn't know much about his own self. He had been sicker than any of us realized, starting with his heart and ending with his knees. But during the first year we took care of everything and made him as healthy as possible. He was even able to go back to baking. (Master Pastry Chef.)

It's nice that one of the children is helping, but, I would consider that taking care of two people, who have poor health, and one who has dementia, is really a huge deal. It's really not something that most people can grasp. Even for one person, it's an around the clock job. IT's not like just picking up some groceries or taking to a doctor appointment. It's a constant around the clock job. I don't have any desire or expectation that it's reasonable to expect my child or anyone else in my family to do this. There are other options. I'd explore what those options are with an Elder Law attorney to see what they are and how your resources match up. There are usually options for care with Medicaid or other state sponsored programs. And there are protections for the spouse of the disabled.

your question is one of consideration for your children. too bad our parents didn't know that they would live so long, so did not prepare.

perhaps it is not that we don't care for our aging parents as they did theirs? rather it may have to do with our [baby boomers'] parents being in decline. longer. thru meds; which keep many physical issues at bay, but cannot control the mental decline.

this is what so very many of us could never have predicted - we never observed our parents ever having dealt with this when their parents were aging - and we find we are suddenly faced with a longer term of caregiving our parents, who never had to experience it with theirs.

i keep my son apprised of the strange behaviors of my mom with dementia, so that he is not unaware of this concept - altho i do not want to burden him with it of course. we in our 60's will hopefully make preparations for our elder years so we do not burden our children.

Hi SondraO
Check this link out. It's an active one now on AgingCare. It might give you an idea of things you can proactively do to help yourself and your children when needed.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/information-gathering-as-a-caregiver-is-there-a-list-of-information-i-should-have-on-hand-for-my-fils-care-432846.htm

I recall how my great aunts, great uncles, grandparents and great grandparents used to talk about getting older. All of them said about the same thing. They said, I hope that I don't have to go to a nursing home, but, if I do, I understand. I know the biggest worry, even back then was mental health. So often, they would say, I just hope that I can keep my good mind. (This was before much was known about dementia. Then it was called senile.) They were all fortunate, as none of them suffered with dementia. (Sadly, one cousin has though.)

From someone in the sandwich generation facing the demands of four elders, a job, and an elementary school child - do all you can NOT to make demands on your children. While i'm happy to pick up groceries - i cannot take off work for doctor appointments. I have a house to clean and laundry to do of my own - so if you cannot do yours - hire someone to come in. Ditto on the yard work. Better yet - face facts and downsize - get rid of 60 years of junk and move into a continuing care facility where you can add on the care you need. Don't expect your children to do it for you. Help us by getting wills, end of life directives, burial plans, POA, bank accounts etc in order. Respect our need for time for ourselves and our families and don't place huge demands on our time because you are bored. I'm sorry if this is negative, but i'm heading into the emotional quagmire known as holiday season and the same fights with four elders that we have E V E R Y single year. Plus their refusal to spend any money making their lives easier but expecting us to do anything and everything they no longer can or want to. Respect our wishes to have Christmas at home and we will drive the six hours to see you for a Christmas the weekend after.

Another good aspect to discuss on here..
My mother is 95 with memory loss [and dementia] something she never wanted. and so never really planned for
I dont encourage my children to go see her, as she [and my father] really had little to do with any of their grandchildren when able. and its NOT their granny really.
I have for my children's sake, paid for my funeral, finally organised the POA and ePOA and will in the very near future on the eve of my 70th, write up the care of all the little things I need to do to keep my body moving [ Ive a complex medical history] and that letter will go in to the lawyers so if the ePOA has to be triggered off he can hand that to my children. I will also have a letter to be given on my death. and that will contain the apologies for not being the best .
Yes I have pre apologised, and my Ma in her lucid moments is worried she is causing us problems . And I have told my daughter to ignore my protestations if I need to be shut away, then shut me away and please dont visit. I am not going to blackmail her to caring for me when she has no medical app in her gene [despite being the daughter of a Dr and nurse]
To me when I hear my peers saying they don't want to go into an institution for care, well that really isn't our right to choose. Making children 'suffer' isn't right.
That isn't saying if a daughter/son/ DIL wants to, then they, are the ones to decide if they can manage.
I dont want to live to 95 but not have been independent for the past 10yrs!! So organising for the worst scenario is important

Good ideas Muffincat!

When I first read your question, my first thought was "what?"

You almost sound like my parents' did years ago.

I agree with WhirledTravel; please don't apologize. Second; I wouldn't assume young people of today won't rise to the challenge. Give us 'children' time to adjust and we usually will either surprise you or fail the challenge.  I'm aware of all the daughter - guilt (or child guilt ) that is supposed to make us feel an obligation toward our parents - I just want to be clear that I have no guilt in caring for them.  Some of us don't feel guilty at all (deprived of sleep, coffeeless...which is a bad place for me to be since my coffee needs to be in the form of an IV attached to my veins.... and possibly grouchy....but I'm hardly feeling guilty...) Nor have they expected us to take care of them...which nearly started an argument.....and as a former member of the banking industry, you'd be surprised how the "I didn't want you to worry about me/I can take care of yourself" has created epic arguments...

Each family is different but for those that want to help, please let them. 

Coming off caring for my mother (Alzheimer's) and my father (who is recovering from major surgery at this time), I can't think why you would feel an apology (or even a pre-apology) would be in order for something that is not in your control.

My mother is now 75 and my father 79;so I am not assuming the young people of today are as young as its being inferred. There are situations in caregiving that if I thought about the role reversal of what I'm doing for my parents, it could possibly scar me forever. But I'm speaking from the other side of the table; your 3 grown children may not truly agree with your assessment of what they are likely to do. 

In personal experience, not even my parents anticipated how much effort the 3 of us collectively did to make what their caregiving looks like today.

Do I get exhausted as a caregiver? Yes; it's not wine and roses 24/7. Do I regret pitching in? Absolutely not; I or my siblings, the "children' in the family. Yes, our lives are fixed and we are neck deep in obligations, but the one thing that does remain stubbornly clear is that the romance of youth and the ignorance about our mortality will die under the harsher realities of age and experience. We know it; and we don't like it any more than you do.

Our goal, (an adult "child")'s goal is to help a parent manage their independence for as long as possible (even if it's not truly independent.)

We all have to process mortality, and why WhirledTravel gave you great advice: "Just thank your kids for what they do for you, don't guilt the ones who don't/can't/won't help, and appreciate the one or ones who do. " Not everyone can rise to the challenge of caregiving, but no one can help at all if you shut important people out of the process we all have to face when we age.

I'm not here to take over my parents' life: i'm here to support it as best I can. If never given the opportunity, you may never know, but apologies aren't needed. Not even pre-apologies.

First, I think it's great ur looking ahead. Bet alot of AC members wish their parents had. While caring for Mom I realized the one reason she depended on me was because she never asked the other three to do for her. So, spread the responsibility around. Don't depend on one child. I told my girls I don't expect them to care for me (they will only be in their 50s when I am 85) but I do expect them to be there for me. Visits, important dates etc.

My Mom hung on to her independence fiercely, at the cost of her own health. When she had to have open heart surgery at age 79 she wasn't even going to tell us. I found out by accident when I was at her place and I saw she had written surgery on her calendar.

But in her bid to not be a burden on us, she allowed herself to get very ill with sepsis among other things. She might even be alive today still, maybe not dancing jigs but still with us.

I think pre-apologizing for things that may or may not happen is almost like setting yourself up for failure. Its like if you could do something to alter the past you end up upsetting the whole balance of your future and everyone else's. I think if your children already know that you don't want to be a burden that doesn't necessarily mean that you won't still end up being a burden and that they won't still resent you for it. It really depends on what they are made of right?

I think you need to set yourself up as much as you can now so you as well as your children will be prepared for what is to come and even if you do that there is no predicting how and when the sh*t will hit the fan tomorrow or ten years from now.

Set up long-term care for yourselves in your financial portfolio. Do not assume nor require your adult children to provide care.