How did you get through deciding that Mom needs a nursing home?

Keithk0721, my Mom was very stubborn about wanting to leave their house, even though my Dad thought it was a good idea for both of them to downsize. Nope, ever, nada.

Like many on this forum, I had to wait for a medical emergency... 911, hospital, then nursing home. Mom was not able to function after a bad fall. I was so relieved she was now in a place where it's not their first rodeo. It was sad to see her in that medical condition but it was through her own stubbornness.

After my Mom had passed, even though Dad had 3 shifts of wonderful caregivers [Mom had refused to allow caregivers in the house], Dad said to me SELL the house, and he moved into senior living, and loved it there. He loved all the attention he was getting and being around other 90+ year olds :)

No guilt. No sadness as my Dad was smiling every time I visited. For my Mom, she needed a village to take care of her. A village of one or two just cannot do it.

My dad fought nursing home tooth and nail even though doctor said he needed to be there. Bottom line - my stubborn dad received much better care than he did when he was home with my marvelous stepmom - because he would refuse to cooperate with her.

At nursing home he was bathed regularly, took his medicine on schedule, and became healthier than he had anytime in the previous two years. The staff was kind and caring. He did not want to be there - but he appreciated the staff. Plus he watched the same cowboy channel that he did at home and slept the rest of the time - just like at home.

How did he get there? he refused and refused until he fell and broke his pelvis and the decision was made for him. He should have been in NH three years prior to that.

My step mom felt no guilt - he was receiving BETTER CARE at the NH. Bottom line - BETTER. and it was a Medicaid nursing home

Both my mother and my MIL could benefit from being a NH--but as both are still 'with it' enough to make their own decisions, that will not happen.

Sad to watch the slow slide into senscence and not be able to really do much.

I wish, personally, that people would make the decision to move themselves into AL without making their families do this 'to' them.

As long as there is at least one person propping them up, nothing will change, so we don't make a deal out of it.

BTW, I would not feel guilty about placing either mother or MIL in a nice AL. They both would eat better, have more mental stimulation and possibly have a better QOL all around. But the NH of their parent's generations and the ones now are night and day.

It broke my heart when my mom required a nursing home. It’s not the place anyone really wants to be. It’s definitely sad, but it’s also providing care that’s needed and beyond the capabilities of any one person. I had to view it as doing the best we could and remember the importance of knowing we were still caring for her by overseeing and advocating for her best care

Yes, it is sad when folks get old and frail and can't take care of themselves any longer.

I remember being very sad and grief stricken when my mom entered a nursing home after a stroke and broken hip.

But I know I didn't feel guilt and I am pretty sure neither of my brothers did. Mom and Dad brought us up to look forward, make our way in the world and to take care of ourselves and our children. She and dad accumulated enough savings so that they wouldn't need to burden us with their care.

So, yes, grief and sadness. Guilt? No.

Mom thrived in her NH setting and lived for another 4 1/2 years. Got good care, good psych meds and good activities.

My MIL and stepFIL lived 6 miles from us. In their 80s he developed Parkinsons and began falling and having hallucinations and my MIL developed short-term memory loss and was falling. They had to manage a split-level home with stairs. Neither of them could take their meds correctly or manage their affairs. We had to stop them from driving as they were getting lost, or falling in the grocery store's parking lot, or playing bumper cars with who-knows-what. At the time my husband and I were running a stressful business with 3 boys in school. We could only take so many months of their daily needs and crisis, my MIL calling 911 to help her husband get out of the recliner, calling us at midnight because he pooped all over the bed, and then we get to go to work and school the next day and try to function. Eventually stepFIL went into a facility as a ward of the county leaving my MIL home alone. This is when we realized her memory was bad enough that she wasn't remembering to eat. Everything collapsed fast and it made us sad but the alternative (keeping her home) was unthinkable for her safety. She is now in a very nice facility and receiving excellent care and attention. Your mom may not like the thought and some of that is fear based on old-time concepts of nursing homes in the bad-old-days. Facilities today are usually much nicer, cleaner, newer and better managed, so do good research to find one local to you. Make sure it has a continuum of care: from AL to MC to LTC AND accepts Medicaid. Yes, there is sorrow as aging usually means one loss after another, but I get peace in my heart just knowing how hard we worked to help her and being in the care facility is truly the best and only option, better than being in her home all by herself, all day. At least your mom will be around people. Please don't be hard on yourself for not providing the care yourself. You were never morally or ethically obligated to do it and you may not have even been the best one for that job. Once your mom gets settled in take her to some of the events and activities at her new home and just enjoy being with her as much as possible.