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I feel like I'm at the end of my rope? I have an 84 year-old mother who is basically bedridden with arthritis and a spinal problem. She can barely get up and go to the bathroom. Lately, she cries all the time and complains nonstop when I call her. She is also severely depressed. She is under the care of a doctor for all this, but nothing is really helping. This has been going on for several years. My elderly father is trying to care for her, but he is being dragged down, too. There is also a lady that comes and helps a few times a week. I am an only child with 11 year-old triplets, and I work - have to. My life at home is not great. My husband is not supportive at all. I don't get out much, so I have few friends. I feel like I only exist. I do pray a lot, and that helps, but depression is a big problem for me. I am on medication, but because my mom and my home life is not good, I am having trouble, myself. I can't be at my parents' house all the time because of my kids, job, etc. In fact, I don't like going over there because the house smells like urine, due to her dogs going to the bathroom all the time. It is cleaned up, but the carpets are ruined. It is so depressing. I do talk to her every day, but everything is terrible, 99% of the time. Honestly, I don't like to call because I dread to hear what's wrong. I have a knot in my stomach every morning when I wake up. She is not like my mother, anymore. She is aware of what's going on, but she does have trouble with certain things that used to be easy for her. Her doctor says she doesn't have dementia, but I wonder if it's not beginning. I am at my wit's end. I cry all the time, have migraines, and stomach issues. I am under several doctors' care for my problems, but the depression remains. I think if I had a supportive husband, it wouldn't be so bad. I feel badly for my kids...they see me upset all the time. I feel like I am ruining their lives. I have no one to really talk to. My best friends, or who I thought were my best friends, have deserted me, over time. I have much to be thankful for and am blessed in many ways, but between my mom's rants, worrying about what's going to happen with her and my dad (I don't know what I will do if my dad can't take care of her), and my husband/kids, I feel like I'm in a pit and can't get out. Any advice would be appreciated. I know their are others out there like me, and I just need some help. Thanks

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I feel the same way, but smaller fmily, hubby and kid don't want to hear it, see mom or aunt, and I am depressed... I am too open about how wonderful cancer is, and when I get it, Noone will know... It's will be my little secret, so I hope to fade away quietly.....Im not even 60 yet :) Don't want daughter to deal with aging depressing/happy to die mom.... Oh well, the rest of my immediate family is like avoiding me, sooo, so what. Life goes on... I will put on happy face, and make my duaghter laugh, and tell my hubby he needs to stop being crabby. Life is Fun....Ya who whoa!!!! I am slowing sliding my other family brother, etc away....We do not have a connection.. They don't care, and Ineed to focus on hubby and duaghter and pets....mom and aunt... NIce, HUH?
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Please forgive typos. Some words have "o", instead of "i" and so on, like I wrote hos, instead of, his, etc. Thank you all for your patience and understanding with the typos, etc. :): ) :)
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Hello, I am an only child. It is difficult being an only child when it comes to taking care of elderly parents, especially when they try to remain totally independent, but needy at the same time. They, also, have a way of sucking us in, because they start to isolate themselves and depend on is as their garbage disposal. And, they expect our undivided attention, and for us to be their child, as if we aren't really adults, and they can order us to stay in our place, but they still need help all at the same time. I was brought up to sit still, be quiet, and don't speak unless spoken to.

My Mother has had a very hard time with my Dad's passing almost a year ago in July. I had to basically step into hos shoes. But, where he could lay down the law, they still argued daily. My Mother was a lot like yours, health wise.

We had some confrontation, but for the most part, I had to learn to speak to her differently, and told her I was not going to argue. I immediately started getting her help and to the doctor. There are still problems, and I am now in the process of finding her a psychiatrist. Since your Dad is still living, try to talk with him about getting your mom tested by a neuropsychologist and neurologist. Also, your Mom needs help with her pain management, too.

I would do what was suggested above, give your Dad the numbers for the department of aging, and if he can't or doesn't call in a few weeks, then you call for him. If they have the money, call a private caregiving service. Call and have someone come clean the carpets, or work as a team with your Dad to call who you have already prequalified as licensed and Bonded, and a member of BBB, or has a good rating with them.

The walking with each child is an excellent idea, and it is something I am going to start doing again, too, after seeing the suggestion here. The chore lost is excellent, too. Only calling once a week is excellent, putting your health first is so important, even though I realize that it is easier said than done. Also, in addition to getting your Vitamin D checked, ask the to check your cortisol levels, too. My gynecologist checks mine along with other hormone levels.

Prayer helps immensely for me, too. The people that were your friends, let any hurt feelings, animosity, etc., go. Find a new one or two lunch buddies at work that you can be friends with to get out of the office. Only children seem to have a harder time with "friends" than other people. We tend to be nice to everyone, but alone a lot. Just how you are feeling alone right now even though you are in a home with 4 people. Read motivational books, talk on here, to get out your frustration and get caring suggestions along the way. Writing out my thoughts helps a lot. Make out a list of what needs to be done, snd then with baby steps start trying each one. And, remember that everything takes time, baby steps, and perseverance. You can do this. All of the above suggestions are excellent places to start. I am praying for you, and sending positive thoughts your way.
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Thank you for the advice given to me. It is all great, and I am going to make an effort to do what each of you suggest. I walk, but sporadically. I need to see a psychiatrist, instead of my GP, and I need to learn to let things roll off of me and leave my mom alone when she is in a bad mood. I also need to depend more on my kids to help me. Thanks, again! :-)
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I know this will sound very simplistic to you. Walk. Walk like you are late. Don't think about it. Put on your walking shoes and walk like YOUR KIDS LIFE depended on it. Give it a week. 30 min a day for a week. You will feel better. If you can't do 30, do 10 three times a day. Each day it will get a little easier. I promise. If you can't make yourself do it, ask your dr to check your D3. I bet it's low. If you can get started you might consider having one of your triplets walk with you each time. Rotate them. It will give you a little one on one time with them. If you need the alone time use it for that. You will get a lot of good advice here. You can consider it all while you are walking. Hugs.
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Oh, and now you have US to talk to. We're your new support group and friends!
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Give your father the number for the Area Agency on Aging and tell him to call.

Stop calling your mother everyday. Call her once a week on Sunday and limit the call to 10 minutes (I learned THAT at my mother's knee).

Is a qualified psychiatrist managing your medication regimen for depression? If not, you need one. If you're already seeing one, you make an appointment on Monday and tell her/him that what you're on isn't working. This has less to do with your "situation"--husband, kids and mother--than with your depression, which is causing you to feel hopeless and helpless. If you weren't depressed, the solutions to all of these issues would be clearer.

Conceptualize this all as putting on your own oxygen mask. You can't help ANY of the other people in your life if YOU aren't well.

And another thing. Make a chart of the household chores that your kids and husband are now responsible for, taking out the trash, doing dishes, laundry and putting stuff away. If they don't do, don't do it for them. If they want to live in mess and trash, then so be it. Everyone has a job in your house, starting right now.

Got it? Okay, go!
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I had a friend with severe depression about 20 years ago. No matter what I did, she was depressed. There was nothing I could say and nothing I could suggest that would make her depression better. She had to work through it with her doctors. They had to find the right medication and the right talk therapy to help her. All I could do is be there for her. And believe me, it wasn't easy. Your mother is going to have to find the way through her depression. You can be there for her and your father, but don't get pulled further into the pit of despair. It sounds like you are having quite a battle with your own depression. If you get depressed you won't be much help for your parents, your husband or children. I wondered what you need to do to make yourself better. Since your father is there, do you really need to talk to your mother every day? She may not mind it if you didn't call. I would concentrate on staying healthy myself if I was being pulled into depression.
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