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I have recently sold my home and I am moving back to my home state. My elderly parents are 87 and 90 and live at home with a caregiver that comes for 3 hours, three times a week. I arranged the caregiver during a health crisis earlier this year. She does light housekeeping and meal prep and laundry and can run errands if needed. She has been fantastic and has reduced my worry and stress. I have arranged lawn care so that is taken care of. My parents have funds to pay for these things and they are paying for them. My mother still drives and picks up food and groceries. Both of them are independent with their self care and manage their own finances. I am an only child. However, I know this can't last forever and I find myself worrying more about what is to come. I have asked and pushed a conversation but neither gives any real answers. I think they think I will just handle it, when the time comes, like always. My parents have a difficult marriage and mother has complained since my childhood of how miserable she is. I was parentified and my emotional needs were not met or attuned to. My mother has no friends and has cut off from most relatives save a couple who she manipulates. She cajoles some neighbors but I would not call them friends. She was not interested in mothering and had a full time job 25 miles from home since I was 1 year old. I had a series of babysitters, family, neighbors, tenders, and paid caregivers. People who meet her say she is Great and so charming but that is the public face. My mother has been emotionally abusive to me and physically when I was a child. She interfered with my love relationships and gave silent treatments that could last for months and was very critical. She raged when I was a child and it was scary. My father is just emotionally shut down and probably has always been. He enables her and has made hurtful comments and has very limited empathy. They both had difficult childhoods. I have done therapy and self healing work and have learned a lot about covert narcissism and borderline behavior and the enabling relationships like my parents. I understand they will not change. My Grief work is ongoing. I call or text them once a week and have reduced my visits to 3-4 times per year unless an emergency. I no longer want the stress of waiting for the next phone call or wondering what will happen when she can't drive anymore or when I will get the next call from the ER and have to rush to the airport and get on a plane and put my life on hold. I want to be close enough so I am within driving distance from them but I certainly dont want to live with them. For my own convenience, it would be nice to be in their same town but it is smaller and about 25 miles from a large city. I would prefer a larger city but that is 3 hours from them and I dont want to go through all the hassle of moving only to find I am still caught up every Sunday, talking on the phone, and wishing I could just stop by for an hour, say Hello and then leave. I am considering buying a place in their town because it would be the most convenient for me (and them) and give me the most control over decisions that will come down the road but its not really where I want to live. I am 55 years. Has anyone faced a similar decision and what did you discover? Better to live really close for your own convenience with them even if its not really where you want to be and make the best of it? Or live where you would like, a 3 hour drive away, try to enjoy it and worry about the future when it happens? Did living close undo all the self healing work and create new trauma? I have been looking at homes and rentals in 3 different cities for months but I can't seem to make a decision and I think this dilemma is at the root of my indecision.

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I read through your post twice. Are you an only child? The 9 hours/week that there is a caregiver there won't be enough after a while. Did you arrange that for them? You arrange the lawn care. Why did you have to arrange these services, if your mother can them herself. Is she mentally competent? Do you have POA?

You don't have to be in the same town as your parents. While of course being across the continent isn't ideal, if they have adequate care, certainly a few hours away should be enough. It sounds like you are accepting that you are going to be their services manager because your mother expects it? And I'm betting she will also expect you to be on-site as they need more and more care, unless they have the finances to hire fulltime (24/7/365) care.

As long as they are competent to make their own decisions, do not let your mother bully you into doing everything for them as their needs increase. Considering the emotional and physical abuse in the past from your mother, please know that you do not owe them anything. This just sounds like a precarious situation for you in that you are already imagining you have no other choice than to become involved in their lives every single day. And you don't want that. You don't need that. You deserve better!
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You have managed to get them the care they needed from a distance so far and I can't see any reason for you to change that dynamic. Living closer would only be useful if you anticipated hands on caregiving, if you are not immediately available the next move into an appropriate care facility will be much more self evident.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2021
Even in managed care, there is a TON of responsibility for the child of the elder!!! People think "OH just place your parents in AL and that's the end of your troubles!" Which is a huge lie. ALL decisions are made by the POA when an elder is in managed care; all calls come to the POA; all doctor visits have to be discussed with the POA once the elder can't remember what's going on, etc. Rarely a few days go by where I'm not having to do SOMETHING for my mother in Memory Care AL, and it was the same thing when she was in regular AL! I have to supply her with snacks, Depends, toiletries, clothing, shoes, etc. That type of thing is ALL on the POA! When she goes to the ER, I have to follow the ambulance & meet her there, etc.
"Hands on caregiving" doesn't only mean what you think it means!
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You should never physically care for your parents nor move in with them, and not live in the same town. There are lots of posts on this forum where children abused in some way are taking care of parents and now can't get out of it.

Your next talk with Mom and Dad should not be what do u have planned but that they should be planning for their future because they should not plan on you physically caring for them. They should get a POA and you can be that but POA does not mean ur at their beck and call or you are legally bound to care for them physically or financially. Its a tool, a tool you can use when they are no longer competent to pay bills and make decisions where they should be placed. You have to make it clear, you will not be caring for them or living with them.

If you want to live in the city, live in the city. You go where you will be happy. Mom made sure she did what she wanted raising you, you have a right to do what you want.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2021
I agree that the OP should never physically care for her parents and NEVER move in with them, but living in the same town (or close by) tends to be a necessity when very old parents are involved. Driving for long distances just adds more stress to an already overloaded plate. #Truth
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Yeah, a catch-22 this is, definitely. I too am an only child. The situation was reversed, though: my elderly parents lived in FL and I lived in CO when my dad had 3 fender benders back to back & decided himself to stop driving. My mother-the-queen would not take on the driving, even though she had a license, so there was no other choice but for me to move them close to me here in CO. They sold their house and moved 5 miles away from me to an Independent Living senior apartment in 2011. I was 54 at the time. Mind you, I cried before they made the move; my new DH was stupefied. Why was I crying? Ha; he would learn a lot about why I was crying b/c I have/had parents just like yours. Mom is the bully, dad was shut down after years of tolerating her abuse. I was in heaven b/c for the first time EVER, they were thousands of miles away from me and I had my own life, now they were coming baaaaaaaack.

I helped them move, unpacked them, all of it, and got them set up with doctors and everything so they could live in the new place. I visited once a week, picked up their RXs at the store, did pretty much everything for them with mom complaining (as usual) the entire time. Then dad fell one night & broke his hip in July of 2014; all hell broke loose; he had to go to Assisted Living now and mom was making a federal case b/c she didn't want to go. Long story short, I had to find an AL that would take him, move dad in after rehab, then liquidate their apartment, and move my screeching mother in with dad to a small AL unit. Horrible. He died 10 months later in June of 2015 and by then, I knew mom was on the dementia highway.

Fast forward to now: she lives in Memory Care Assisted Living 4 miles down the road from me, is just under 95, and the only thing worse than a covert narcissistic mother is one with advanced dementia who's fallen 80x, been in and out of the hospital and ERs for the past 10 years, rehabs, specialists offices, doctors, neurologists, you name it, she's been there with me taking her b/c I am all she's got. And I'm the POA for both medical and financial. They signed their $$$ over to me in 2014 when dad broke his hip and I've been managing their lives ever since. As an only child, what's the alternative? When the $$$ runs out soon, I will apply for Medicaid on her behalf and off she goes to a Skilled Nursing Facility with a roommate, God help me.

I pretty much speak to her daily on the phone, or more if she's super confused and blowing it up. I visit once a week and it's normally not a fun visit. Again, this has been going on since 2011 and even though I don't do 'hands on care' I'm burned out to a crisp. If I had it to do all over again, what would I change? Nothing I guess. I set pretty strong boundaries about what I'll do/not do, when I'll visit, etc. It's still awful b/c my mother has the personality of a snake and I have a lot of resentment. But again, I'm all she's got. I have to be her advocate or there will be nobody else to do it. And while I may not 'deserve' it, it's my cross to bear, that's how I look at it.

My DH now knows why I cried in 2011, and why I still cry, except now, I think he silently cries WITH me, to be honest. Walking this path is the hardest thing I've ever done in my 64 years of life. Bar none.

In your case, move close enough so you won't have to drive for hours to be there when the crises hit, and hit they will. Their house will have to be sold (probably) at some point to finance their care in AL or whatever; these are things to think about. And what boundaries YOU will set down and enforce for your mental and emotional wellbeing. Otherwise, you'd have to make them a ward of the state and IDK how you'd feel about doing such a thing.

My stomach hurts for you, as it always does for myself. Wishing you the best of luck and Godspeed as you enter this phase of your life. I pray that you will take care of YOURSELF while embroiled in their lives. You matter too.
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Daughterof1930 Oct 2021
Lea, whether your mom can ever tell you or not, she’s blessed to have you. You’ve done a commendable job in a tough place
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Have them hire a geriatric care manager; don't move close by if you don't want to . Naturally, you use THEIR funds to do this.

If anyone should be doing the moving, it's them.

Are their legal papers in order: POA for health care and finances? Are they aware of the fact that you have no intention of becoming their caregiver? Assumptions can be dangerous things.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2021
I always forget about that; a geriatric care manager! Although I can't understand how such a person would make medical decisions and such for the elder? Or does the POA still get the final say?
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In my family dynamic I was very close to both parents, but my siblings not so much. One lives far away and we get along fine. The one in our hometown is very difficult to be around or talk with for any length of time. Having some distance is vital. We have a cordial, but uninvolved relationship and that’s what works best. I’d encourage you to move to the place that best meets your needs and wishes, don’t make any promises to your parents that may have to be undone, and implement boundaries on what you will and won’t do. It’s never wrong to look out for your own health
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Beethoven13 Oct 2021
Thanks so much. Your reply is helpful and how well I know, its never wrong to look out for your own health and wellbeing. I appreciate the support.
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If you can find a happy life "in a small town" and stick to your going over once a week then being closer when something happens (and perhaps you want to visit daily for a while) will be easier. But you ask about the smaller town like that's really not where you want to be... why? Because the town is small and you believe you will not be happy there? Or because your parents would live there too? I love living in a smaller town and being able to drive to the larger cities around me when I choose. Not dealing with the traffic congestion of a larger city on a daily basis is a big bonus to me, but, I have friends and family I enjoy seeing around here too. If you enjoy larger cities and/or have friends there, or maybe employment opportunities, then the larger city may work better for you.

I think you are concerned if your parents were closer your contact with them would open old wounds. My parents were not neglectful during my childhood but my father was neglected as a child and when he developed vascular dementia his personality changed and he became very verbally abusive. It was hard to take hearing someone who you love saying such hateful things. I decided I could not handle Dad's daily hands-on care and I placed him in an MC where I visited at least weekly and made sure he had everything he needed and a lot of the stuff he just wanted. It worked well for both of us.

You need to take care of yourself. Be honest with yourself on what you can endure, because this is going to be a difficult path regardless. Make the choice you believe you need to protect yourself. If that means taking care from a little more distance, you can make that work. If you decide to rent or purchase in your small town to test the waters, be ready to declare it isn't working and relocate to the larger town. Or relocate to the small town from the larger one. It doesn't have to be a permanent decision now, although I understand why you would like it to be. Since it is a small town, maybe you could purchase a small weekend get-away cabin on a scenic spot you like and enjoy it while you take an hour to visit the parents?
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Beethoven13 Oct 2021
Thanks so much! Your reply is very helpful. You bring up some thought provoking points. And you are right, either choice doesn't have to be forever. I have been thinking of the big city choice as being my get away place and where I would live while things are going okay. the negative is it puts me in their home whenever I visit or need to stay overnight. Something to think about.
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My mother has lived about 15 minutes from me for the past 10 years. The minute I retiree she will expect me to move in with her. I visit when I can ( not enough for her) stay as long as I can ( not long enough for her) and take care of things for when I can ( Never enough and never good enough). There are days when this works and days it doesn't. When I was about to get out of college I had a serious offer to move to the Pacific northwest. To be honest I wish would have maybe my mother wouldn't have moved to be nearer to me if I lived there. If I lived with my mother that still wouldn't please her because I would occasionally have to go the the bathroom or God forbid spend more than five minutes away from her. If your parents have been miserable together all their lives they will continue to make you miserable even if you are less then 5 feet from then 24/7.
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Yes, I am an only child. I arranged the aide and lawn care because my mother kept making excuses: haven't found anyone, too expensive, don't have time, didn't like him, etc, etc. I would get so upset even thinking about coming home and wondering if the lawn had been mowed or if the house was clean. And hearing her on the weekly call, oh my back hurts, my foot hurts, I can't mop, the vacuum is too heavy. So, I used their money and hired "the staff." I will make sure it continues. My father will pay for it but makes no effort to arrange any of it. I guess I am grateful he has the funds and agrees to pay. My mother also has funds and she does volunteer to pay. She can be impulsive and swings b/t overpaying and underpaying, not being realistic. Yes, they are competent to make their own decisions at this time. I think you picked up on something correctly. I am afraid of being sucked into their lives and having no life of my own. Even if I am sitting in my own house in their town, my life will be about them. I know I can choose not to let it and get involved with activities and people in the smallish town but I have sneaking suspicion that my mother has said things about me to neighbors and such, that are not true. Just from the cold reception I get sometimes. Its not insurmountable, just wish I didn't have to deal with it. Or, hearing, "your mom's so sweet" in the grocery store. Funny thing, even if I am 3 hours away in the Big city, my life is still about them, worrying when/if I need to hit the highway and drive to be there for the next visit or crisis.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2021
Great article: 25 Signs of Covert Narcissism: A Special Kind of Mind Game

https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/relationships/signs-of-covert-narcissism

#23 They will make you look bad to make themselves feel and look better. Working behind the scenes, a covert narcissist will often talk badly about the person they are closest to. Having to paint themselves as the martyr, the only way they can make themselves look good is by making everyone else look bad. That makes them the victor.
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A geriatric care manager is a professional person who comes in and assesses your parents' situation (with your input).

S/he the sits down with your parents and makes a professional (and often impressive) presentation about what your parents need.

Some elders buy in to this presentation and realize that it isnt just "the kid" who is telling them this stuff.

Others are far more stubborn.
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I really had no choice. I'm an only child, and since my dad knew my mother had lots of health issues and he was 10 years older than she he chose the home they had lived in for 40 years and moved from Central Florida to South Florida, 10 minutes away from me.

I was 43 when my father passed, 4 years after the move. My mother didn't drive so became the "surrogate husband", taking her on errands and to doctors' appointments. After 6 years I decided to relocate to another state. We bought a house in a suburb of the city and moved her to a 55+ community 25 miles away where everything was shiny and new. I felt that offered enough distance as I was in the midst of my career but could still see her once a week. I hired someone to take her on errands and occasionally she went with friends in her community. She never asked to visit our house because she knew it was a drive. (She did live with us for a couple of weeks when we moved and that was enough.) Yes, she is difficult like your mother. Co-dependent, has OCD and frequent depression.

Now that she is in hospice in assisted living 50 miles isn't too much to drive to visit her a few times per week. Everyone has there has own circumstances but I've found that a 45-minute drive works out well.
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Luckily, I didn't have toxic parent problem, but when my mom needed more help, her living a 4 hr drive away became harder. I kept in touch by phone and arranged dr visits in groups, and usually visited in long weekends about every 6 to 8 weeks and went with them to appts and checked on things around the house then. You can arrange longer care, if they can afford it when necessary, and do online delivery for the groceries and supplies. If possible get POA, both medical and durable set up now. Get account numbers of all banking/credit cards. Move as many regular bills to autopay as you can and set up online access that you can monitor.
Once my mom needed Assisted Living, and now Memory Care, I moved her to a facility near me,because you don't want to be responding to issues like the inevitable falls or illnesses or hospitalizations that will occur from that distance. You can hire a geriatric care manager, but its always going to be more stressful from a distance.
My suggestion is to choose your city life, and make periodic trips down to monitor the situation. You can always stay in a hotel, not with them if you need to stay overnight.
Move them to your city when they need more care. There are probably more options for that in a bigger city, than they have in their small town anyway.
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Don't move closer to your parents. You have no intention of becoming their caregiver and certainly don't want to either.
I certainly understand when people do not want to become caregivers to their parents especially abusive ones, so no judgments here on that score.
It's important to be honest about it to your parents though and make them understand that you will not be available. Move to the larger city that is further away if it's what you want.
If you do move closer and they lose independence, being available only for 'emergencies' will not be emergencies. Being out of ice cream will be an emergency. Boredom becomes an emergency. A fabricated health crisis when you have plans made in advance that you're excited about becomes an emergency.
They won't have a serious talk with you about any future plans or living arrangements because they probably think that you'll take care of them if the time comes when they can't anymore.
Make them have a talk with you. Don't back down. If you don't want to be their caregiver, you have to make them listen.
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You have been given lots of great advice. I too am an only child. My childhood wasn't ideal but not almost horrific. I question why you want to help them at all. I know that may seem crass but you were seriously abused and still need therapy understandably.

Are you concerned at all at the state of their house? It took my husband and I 6 months to clear out a 1 bedroom apartment of my mother's. It was beyond exhausting. Do you feel this will one day be your responsibility and is there anything to gain from it?

I agree with others to put yourself first. If your parents are still difficult to you then you are punishing yourself to be around them. If you want to still at least move to where you might be happiest. They chose the behavior in raising you. People generally are advised to cut off contact from an abusive situation. I hope you find the right choice to give you some happiness.
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The closer you move to your parents, the more excuses you will need for not coming right over. There are some successful caregivers who caregive from a distance.

You can choose to move anywhere you want, with a plan in place.
This sounds harsh, but will protect your privacy:

Get a private mailbox with a street address. Never give them your real address, and never take them to your home. Give them a cell phone number with a different area code than theirs. You are not obligated to even say you have moved! Become low-profile, become stealth.

At 55, you can live in a senior only neighborhood, planning your own retirement.

Take your time, you will find something promising when you discover you no longer have a need to be a people-pleaser.
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cwillie Oct 2021
"The closer you move to your parents, the more excuses you will need for not coming right over. " 👍👍
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Before making any decision, read the book Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant? by Roz Chast. That book came highly recommended to my husband and me when we were dealing with a similar decision about his parents. We ended up moving them to independent living and moving 6-miles away and we were driving the decisions, not them. Good luck.
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Do what will make you happy. The ages of your parents suggests that you will soon have a longer time without them than with them. Make sure to keep in close contact with their caregiver. The most likely scenario is that your parents will need a caregiver during the day every day of the week at some point and then progress to needing round the clock care unless they die of sudden illnesses like stroke or heart attacks. It would be a good idea to check with your parents about securing powers of attorney for medical and financial issues. This can easily be done at a local lawyers' office.
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At 55 you should be thinking about where you want to live, have friends, etc. when you retire. Otherwise you will end up moving and starting over again when you reach retirement.

Nothing on this planet could convince me to live in the small town my mother chooses to live in, and I don’t have the parental issues you have.
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Sounds like you don’t really want to be near them but you have a responsibility to help them . Rent something short term and if it doesn’t work go where you will be happy . They won’t be around much longer and you don’t want to feel guilt after they die .
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Live in the city unless you want your dropping in to become daily and longer whilst you take on more and more. 3 hours is a distance you can be there in less than half a day in ab occasion of real need, but is far enough away that you cannot be expected to just drop in.
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My God, we have similar lives. My situation is alot like yours. Im also tormented and emotionally abused by narcissist mom. Dads an angel but useless because he listens to her and enables her. Have a brother but a narcissist. Got a condo for them 25 minutes away but who knows if they will come. They’re in a different state w brother. Mom doesn’t want to be with my dad nor cook for him and he just got out of hospital with major heart issues. Make sure to take care of yourself. Make decisions so you don’t regret
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I had a similar childhood. I loved my father even though he physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. He was a narcissist, manipulative bully. I am one of five…he was horrible to the first 3 sibs, and less so with my 2 youngest sibs. My mother was extremely passive and never stopped him from the abuse. She has been dead for 28 years. We are in our 50’s and 60’s…his behavior has negatively affect all of us. My sister and I were sexually abused as well. I was always trying to get him to love me…he did not. I also went through 3 years of therapy when I started to repeat his behavior when my children were preteens. The therapy freed me from the claws of parental abuse. It allowed me to heal my broken heart, and purged the guilt and feelings for my father. I care, but no longer love him. I sometimes feel guilty about that…but I quickly recall his abusive, manipulative behavior, and the guilt vanishes. He is 91 years old, has dementia and has “forgotten” how abusive he was (this was before he developed dementia. He lives 10 hours away…It is a blessing. My older brother is his POA and EX. I deal with the medical issues. We do this via e-mails, texts, and phone calls to the Memory Care and nit: My sibs and are close. We have discussed our perilous childhoods. I am sorry you have had been deal with your parental control toxicity without any he benefit of sibs. You have suffered enough. Glad you are working through your feelings with a therapist. You are entitled to live your best life. You are NOT required to put your parents’ needs before your own. You need to do self-love. Your parents are safe, their needs are met. You do not need to visit them at all. I hope you will find happiness.
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My situation is somewhat similar, though in my case it was my mother who made the decision to move to live in *our* town. My mum sounds very like yours except that she never had a fulfilling job. Based on what I have learned, she is a covert narcissist and my father enabled her for 38 years. She was widowed at 62 and swore she would never move from our childhood home, and for many years she managed, with a few voluntary jobs and then relying on neighbours when she had a fall and wouldn't use the bus any more to get her shopping.

In 2017 my husband, whom Mum likes more than me, decided to retire - and next thing we know she is buying an apartment in a supposed AL block a few minutes from us. It's since become clear that she intended to co-opt my husband as a replacement for my dad - without asking what we thought about it - and she has made no attempt to create a new life for herself or have any kind of interests or social life apart from what family provide. I could cope with seeing her three times a year, but three times a week was too much. All my old childhood insecurities came back and my marriage suffered because my kind, confrontation-hating husband at first just did whatever Mum wanted 'for a quiet life'. I even considered leaving them to it and moving myself at one point. I too had a year's counselling and now accept that I can't make my mum happy and it isn't even really my job to do so, but her presence and 'needs' still cast a heavy shadow over my life and my physical health has suffered too. My brother is only 25 miles away but works full-time and has a dysfunctional family life, so he can't do as much as we can and never will, as he is only 55 and says he has to work till he's 70 to pay his bills.

What is worst is that Mum is not happy here and regrets her move. She had two bouts of blood clots on the lung in 2018 and 19 that might have killed her had she been still living in her old home, but what is hard to say is whether she is better off now, declining monthly (mild dementia too now), not happy, never well though not really ill, and a burden to her family. A shorter but more pleasant life might have been nicer for her, but we will never know.

None of this helps you with your choice, I know, but I just wanted to say be very careful what you take on and do consider your own needs too, as you matter as much as your parents.
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Tough decision. I moved 720 miles to live near my mother. I sold my home..went from a peaceful River town to an urban setting. Our relationship has been loving but she has always felt ok about criticizing me. I had many hurt years. I decided I would sacrifice some years of my life to help her. She is 88, I am 70. She has Lewy Body but is fairly clear headed most days. I had 2 good retirement years. I do not strive to make her happy but I have found her a great assisted living facility and I take her on appointments, do her finances , shopping, and to church on Sundays…about 20 hrs a week on average. My job is to keep her safe, well fed and a good roof over her head. This is not what I planned for my retirement but despite her not always being perfect she is my mother and meant well. She did her best. It took a year to stop feeling sorry for myself and resenting my sacrifice. Now I joyfully {most days} take on this job and even moved myself into a retirement community apartment on the campus where she lives {another big sacrifice}…. {I sold a little condo in the city}.
we all need to live with our decisions guilt free..I will. Good Luck.
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First, you are only 55. You should be living in a place and doing things that makes you happy. I am also an only child. I tried the moving back years ago to “help” and that was a total disaster. It reopened trauma and set me back emotionally, financially and personally. I left with a job transfer and pursued my own happiness and cut off communication. When there finally was a crisis and I chose to step back in, I moved my mother to a facility close to me for MY convenience. Why would you move and upend your life for parents that didn’t really nurture you? To a town you don’t like? You are helping from afar. You can continue to do that and increase services as needed. If you said, “I always wanted to move back to my hometown because it has so much to offer me” that would be a different story.

Knowing what I know right now, I would never relocate for an emotional abusive parent. NEVER. You need to be planning your life first. It sounds like you have the funds to be able to make choices - so why are you thinking you have to just “make the best of it?” Have your parents even prepared legal documents giving you the power to make decisions? There is also no need for you to be schlepping back and forth every time there’s an incident. I manage my mother’s care (even though she’s physically close to me) from afar. I don’t really visit due to the history. I communicate with staff and doctors and she’s in a safe facility.

Listen - even with strong boundaries and doing the self care work, just having to manage my mother’s care and finances has caused me great anxiety and interferes with my life in many ways. It has brought back a flood of negative memories and emotions. I had to take antidepressants and anti anxiety medications when this first started. I still have bad dreams. I cannot imagine if I was in a town that I didn’t like all alone. If I had to do this again, I would have let a state guardian take over.

If you are having some doubts - then listen to yourself!!! Stop doubting your intuition!
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Stay where you are. If necessary, locate a little place you can stay in occasionally (hotel, Band B, whatever) and stay for a few days if some special situation makes it easier for you. You aren't going to create a happy parent/daughter situation by leaving the place that makes you happiest. But you can be in good shape to take care of your parents to the extent your ethical beliefs determine. But take care of yourself first of all.
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You said in a comment, "I want to be involved in their medical decisions when they need to make them but I would like them to have some consideration for how their lack of a plan affects me. But it appears to me at least, they don't in any real way."

Harsh and difficult as it is, take it from the child of a similar narcissist and (now deceased) enabler couple: They have not and will not have consideration for how their lack of planning affects you. Ever. They have already proven that in all the decades already past in which they failed to make any plans, and that will not change. It's a painful reality, and one I have spent the last seven months getting slapped in the face with after decades of begging for, and failing to receive, just such consideration. But you need to face that now, with eyes wide open and with full radical acceptance, or else you are setting yourself up for an even greater, more painful fall.

As for your OP: You are only 55 years old. You have decades of adventure and opportunity ahead of you. This life is the only thing you have that is truly yours. Do not give up your life trying to make up for your parents' deficits. Do not sacrifice yourself to their failures. Choose yourself. And do so in all the ways they never have. You are worthwhile. You are worth it.
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MountainMoose Oct 2021
Preach, tidablue!
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I think you should live in the bigger city if that is where you would rather be. Your relationship with your parents, esp with your mother, makes full-time, hands on care for them something you do not want to do. You can continue to help arrange outside, paid help just like you have done for their needs up until now.

Do not move so close that you and your parents just assume you are taking over their care.
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Unless you plan on being at their beck and call, 3 hours is good.

The closer you are the more that will be expected from you.

If you go every Sunday and then miss one because of other plans, it will be treated as betrayal and near end of the world. Be mindful of setting precedent with your actions and be a bit unpredictable to ensure they don't start depending on your time.

Most toxic parents only get more toxic with age, so try to have a bit of a plan for the "in case" situations that can be handled by others with you as the advocate.

You will be a better advocate and daughter for them if you are leading a happy, fulfilled life that doesn't orbit around them and their needs. Sacrificing your life to prop them up so they don't have to make changes or sacrifices is never a good plan.

Best of luck finding the best solution to this season of life.
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Beatty Oct 2021
"beck and call"
Yeah - you got it!

1 x Sunday visit - 2 x weekly, 1 x day - 2 x day - 3 overnights...

Depends on independence level, medical needs & VERY MUCH on temperament/personality how fast this slippery slope can be... May be a decade long mission creep or a greased lightening decent to h3ll.
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Well I’ve been on both sides of the coin.

We lived close to my husband’s parents. They moved near us so when the time came they would have help. There was
lots of help required. But at least they did make choices that helped in that regards.

I am an 2-3 hour drive from my moms each direction. After my dad died we tried to get her to make decisions about her future that would help us care for her when the time came. Her bottom line was “No one is the boss of her”. (This is her edited response). Because she would make no decisions or plans, providing care for her has been a HORRENDOUS journey.

As much as they think they will be able to continue to care for themselves, THEY WONT. My mom thought she would never need help and she sure was wrong,

My point is near or far it will be a large load, especially if you are an only child.

i do have my husband and brothers to help and that made the physical work easier but I also had different and difficult childhood and that made this load almost unbearable.

Good luck
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