How do I deal with a manipulative sibling?

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A year ago, my mother took sick after being on several strong meds for RA. Meds like muscles relaxers etc for a year. At the time, my older sidling was taking mom back and forth to the doctor and never shared anything with us about her health. I had expressed my concerns about the meds mom was on because she when from very activity to almost nothing at all in a very short time (6 months). One day she fell in the bathroom and and I could not get her on the phone. My other sibling went to the house and made enter. bottom line is she was so out of it because of the meds. she was taken to the hospital, and they found nothing wrong.

I took the meds and advice her PCP of it. he did not prescribe the drugs, but her RA doc did. All the while this is going on, my sister is trying to get PA for my mom so she can put her in a home. Because she had determined in her mind that mom had dementia. She wanted to control everything. We found out that she was prepping the doctor to put mom in a home, and he was not having it. she took all of moms clothes out of the house and took them to her house in preparations to send mom to a home. she argued and fought with us and said some really nasty things to and about us to anyone who would listen. she still does.

we changed RA doctors to one that is helping her condition, but I am afraid the meds have had a lasting affect on mom. she see her PCP regularly, but she has not been diagnosed as having dementia.

My mother is now 79. she still lives by herself, but my helpful siblings often stays with her at night.

My sister never came around much until a few year ago when she appointed her self as moms taxi to the doctor. mom told us that she could not talk to the doctor because my sister would tell him everything she had asked mom the night before. Basiclly mom had to sit in the appointments as if she was sick and could not talk for herself. This sibling had major control issues.

Both my self and another sibling have PA and MPA. Mom had this done once she started to feel a little better.

I feel in my heart that she will still try to fight us ever though she has not say so in moms care anymore. I handle moms financial things. for years she and her manipulative husband has plotted on how to get mom out of her mom and sell it.

She had acted in such rude way that she can not long go to appointments with us because of the accusations she makes again us to the staff.

I want to make sure we have all of our bases covered for mom. any advice would be helpful. Thanks

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well I'm going to be consulting with a lawyer to protect myself and my mother because I do not trust them
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Sounds like my sister. If you don't have POA and she does, run! Head for the hills, because your life is going to get a whole lot worse. I am in your shoes, only a while farther down the road than you, and am going nuts trying to unload from it. I was also doing all the things you are doing, and got totally screwed.
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you have the clone to my older sister....she cant be bothered working together...3 years ago she tpand her husband went to visit different retirement homes to decide where to put our able bodied mother witbout her or I knowing then she tridd to arrange a lawyer she knew to reconstruct the estate....she took a tantrum when she was stopped but now claims I set her up to be the fall guy...now she is acting nice and complementary to our mother and tries to put our mother and I at odds whining she doesnt know what I have against her to our mother who pleads her case and places pity on my sister...I do the groceries doctor appointments and everything else while they try to undermine me....dysfunction at its finest so my approach now is to stay clear of her and ignore her childish behaviors
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you have the clone to my older sister....she cant be bothered working together...3 years ago she tpand her husband went to visit different retirement homes to decide where to put our able bodied mother witbout her or I knowing then she tridd to arrange a lawyer she knew to reconstruct the estate....she took a tantrum when she was stopped but now claims I set her up to be the fall guy...now she is acting nice and complementary to our mother and tries to put our mother and I at odds whining she doesnt know what I have against her to our mother who pleads her case and places pity on my sister...I do the groceries doctor appointments and everything else while they try to undermine me....dysfunction at its finest so my approach now is to stay clear of her and ignore her childish behaviors
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And by the way, some people here need to re-read the original post. This sister is not a main caregiver so some of these comments are just flat out wrong.
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Change the locks. Give a key to the helpful siblings and exclude her. I feel for you - this is a team effort, and everyone has to park their ego at the door. When they don't it's a royal pain because there is just no place for it.
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My goodness. My mom is 84 and in my opinion addicted to prescription meds some of which were for her arthritis. 7 children 5 girls 1 boy who is 60 . My mom appointed him PA after my dad died and an older sister trying to recover from breast cancer. Neither of them cares about the other siblings and right now mom is stable from a recent possible stroke in a nursing rehab. They come back n forth to the facility signing documents and try to set it up, in a very sly way for everyone else to come take care of mom 24 7 and whoever can't or doesn't, they bash them to the entire family. I am fourth norm 52 years and married with 3 grown kids and know more about my moms needs and wants. Been stayn at the facility with her sometimes 7 hrs. At a time. Control is horrible and others don't want to help out of fear of these 2 older siblings. My older sister even has been involving her son who is very disrespectful to mom and cousins in family meetings with staff and other personal matters. What a mess!
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GrannySmith - be sure that the nursing home staff is aware of the friction between your dad and your brother. You can request that your brother not be allowed to visit your dad without another person present if you feel that your brother would upset your dad. Don't let your brother hassle you. You have POA so just do what you think is best, keep good financial records, and ignore your brother.
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I'm kind of in a weird situation that parallels this in some ways. I have DPOA for my dad, who suddenly took ill in August after knee surgery, and now he has sepsis, very bad. His thoughts are scrambled often, he's been on an antibiotic IV and hospitalized for six weeks now. When he first got on the antibiotic his thoughts cleared for about a week, he told me to not tell my brother, I knew why, they'd had a very bad fight, brother flat out was asking for money, a large sum, said he was entitled to it for all the help he gave dad over the years, dad ran him off, told him to not come back. He'd been wanting to put dad in a nursing home, and dad was completely independent up until now. I have yet to tell my brother, me and my kids who are in their 30s agreed it was the best thing to do, he would just cause trouble and would make taking care of dad harder. The difficult thing now is at the end of this week my dad has to go into a nursing home, his thoughts are scrambled do to the infection, he can't walk or even set himself up, I can't lift him, and my kids work, I work part time. I feel so bad and angry over what has happened. I'm torn on if I should tell my brother at this point, he'll find out eventually, but I know when he does he'll go to the nursing home to harass dad because they don't get along, and because I have poa, he'll hassle me over anything, even if it means nothing and I've already had enough, lost my husband last year to cancer. It's hard to choose to write someone off like your brother, even though you know it's for the best.
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Appreciate the feedback. Every family is different. However, being the sole caregiver with two brothers that play very good arm-chair quarterbacks, I have spoken from experience. I've been called every name in the book because it's easier for them to criticize than to get involved. P.S. There is a lot siblings can do, even if they are a thousand miles away. Perhaps, giving the "manipulative" sister specific tasks to "manage," all will be at peace in the family in question. Good luck to everyone.
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