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I was the the caregiver for my Dad and my worthless siblings made my life a living hell.. From dealing with adult services and law enforcement. But i learned the hard way, being a caregiver for a loved one is the hardest job ever and get used to everything being ur fault. Well im here to let you know if your in a predicament like this make sure you arrange in writing some kind of agreement of a final payment. I was so caught up on helping my dad, I didn't even think of when his condition gets beyond my capabilities. Well that time is here and instead of family members thanking me they look as if I spent the whole time draining his account. When in fact I was using my own money to purchase medication, vitamins, glasses, etc... Well now my job is over no help from brother and sister, im now receiving food stamps and living with my mum. Not what I planned at all.. Sometimes we get so tied up thinking about the lose of a loved one and our own life gets over looked. Make sure you look after yourself 50/50 maybe 60/40 and just remember once the siblings gets to tough on you, just start walk in.... Because once they start it never ends and they won't feel thankful for what you had done nor will they feel as if they owe you anything. Just get the mind frame as if this is your job.

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When the time comes where the caregiver has to start using their own money to care for a parent, it is time to look into Medicaid. A grown child should NOT be expected to use their own funds for this.
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Caregiverbob,

Look at my screen name - been there, am there. Brother and sister did nothing for 5 years. One too far away (but moral support would have been ok), and the other just wanted whatever money they had left. My Dad went on Medicaid pretty much the same time we knew he would need long term care. I had to spend down all their money. Mom was still "in the community" at that time. The money grubbing sibling got a lawyer to make sure he/she got their fair share. FAIR???? Not at all. I did it all by myself, caring for two parents,one with dementia and the other self medicated. FAIR? I think not, but I live with no regret and they are to deal with their own emotions. Dad passed and Mom is now in a home. They call and text now. Whatever....So finances...all I can say is don't get trapped in the same story with your Mom as you did with your Dad. You don't know when she will get sick. Don't do round #2. Get the house in your name. Does she have a living will? Find out. Are you employable? Being with people definitely helps. Use this time to plan for your own future. Put YOU first.

Wishing you a very bright future after care giving,
xo
-SS
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My first learning, after the passing of both my mom and dad... was to recognize that I CHOSE to be there. I decided that I wanted to help my parents and that helped me find peace in th along run and peace with my siblings. I needed to recognize that what I did every day was "my choice", not anyone else's. That enabled me to be happy with the past and let it go.

Then as far as dealing with siblings, they will never recognize what you do 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Mine did not appreciate what I did and by the way, because they were far away, my mom ended up giving them more money and showing them more kindness than she did for me, because she was trying to win their love. I agree, this is something we all need to think about and you need to stick up for yourself.

When I finally brought that to the attention of my mom, she said... OK I will give you my house. The only problem was that she didn't own a house to give to me. It's important to choose to take good care of yourself to the extent that you need to. When a parent offers to pay for the coffee or medication or anything else, do NOT be silly and refuse. Let them pay and take accountability for themselves. Keep records and a detailed accounting. I figured that out way too late.

I chose to be "that kind of daughter". I wanted to be the good one. I wanted to be kind to both of my parents. I chose to make them my priority. For the rest of my life I will have good feelings about doing what I felt in my heart was right.

For the rest of their lives, my brother and sister will not have those good feelings. That peace in my heart is priceless.
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Thank you for this question - HUGELY important, and we have major cultural confusion on the topic. Our mentality was set in a time where families lived in villages, close to extended families and communities, and elders could age in place - sometimes there was an unmarried daughter who stayed home to give care, and in days before women worked, this was seen as a gift to both. Other times a married family lived by and shared. We need to get real. Focusing on ideal setups more common in the past has really left caregivers hurt, bankrupt, neglected, shunned by family and we find we have gotten so used to being out of the mainstream pace of activity, it seems too rushed for living.

Every caregiver should set up their own retirement account and send a notice to everyone in the family about where it is, and how they are losing the opportunities to grow that income by taking time to care. Maybe even call it by a special identification, this is the Caregiver Retirement account, in case other family members step in - contributions need to be planned, regularly, for a caregiver in a working world is not losing money, mostly - they are losing work time, time for training, for building their own retirement savings.

I found an excellent book that looks directly at family-care relationships that combine the personal with the professional - "The Nanny Whisperer" - although it describes the need to understand that although one expects a nanny to love and nurture a young child - for that person, it is A JOB - their time is not their own, they must focus attention on the child. It is a good book for setting up expectations - and the last chapters are particularly good, for they address the questions that come up, the personal relations stuff "what if the nanny does a better job than I do as mother?" "What if they think they know more" -

The focus in our culture on "freedom" and "responsibility" - are based on values of young males of working (or fighting) age - designed in times when any home care was left behind, delegated to whoever would do the job. The role is then ignored, or praised and put on a pedestal but still left behind for periodic visits. This is our society's idea of "normal".

Yes, there are cultures and settings where some families still live nearby, or some where working people hire caregivers, but the topic is left very vague, about what care is needed, what is enabling or what time does it take for a caregiver to learn how to do the job that is needed?

And even science which is looked to for most of the expertise - those scientists were often never involved in direct care giving - so they provide medication to calm anxieties or belligerence - and create ideals that do not fit each situation in many significant ways - leaving siblings arguing over standards of care.

Obviously I have a position on this topic - and it is for caregivers to come out of the shadows, talk with each other (this list is a great resource by the way!!) - and identify the nature of the job, the time, worry, problem solving it takes - TRACK it daily!

Have chapters on "Perceived goals for this month..." because needs of the elder person evolve, new risks emerge, and the official systems send in only part time helpers who then leave - no one spends time with long term helpers, but they are the ones who are the backbone of quality and dependable care, who see the first signs of new risks, and who learn by experience to address them early - but often so early that distant, busy people, don't even see the size of the risk and the strategies to resolve them and keep things healthy.
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One of the recurrent themes of this blog is the self-centered sibling who doesn't want to help but who criticizes and interferes, making the caregiver's life all the more difficult. When a parent becomes sick and needs attention you learn a lot about the character of family members by the way they act. It is one thing to support "family values" but quite another to actually put those values into practice. There are a lot of people here who have dedicated their lives to caring for a parent. A tip of the hat to them. They deserve praise and recognition.
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got THAT right. It's a thankless job, and all one do is know they did the best they could with what they had to work with.
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I see that there are a number of other caregivers that are having the same problems we are having. My wife and I have been caring for her mother for more than 25 years. Her so called loving sisters will not help at all with the help of caring for their mother. They will not even watch her so we can get away for just the evening foe a meal together. We have drained our accounts trying to keep my wife's mother happy but all we get from the sisters is the words you will be sorry. They believe that they should get everything with the oldest being the most dishonest. The only time she comes to the house is after she talks to her mom and finds out we did something or got something new. When she shows up she will tell her mom different lies for the reason she shows up and then when she returns to her home She will call later to ask about what we did, or where did it come from. What I learned is above all else take care of yourself first. do not let the siblings get to you they will have to answer for their actions in the future.
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Many drug side effects occur after many years, not just in the first few weeks. For this reason they are often not connected to the drug which the person took for years "without side effects." I was told an interesting story by a dental professional who had a patient in his 60's who was about to be admitted into a nursing facility because of severe balance problems. After stopping his long term cholesterol drug his balance returned and he avoided the nursing home. Yes, drug pushers (Pharmaceutical Reps) will discount such anecdotal stories as "unscientific" but for this person, and many others the link is clear. User beware! Perhaps, over time, Statin drugs will turn out to be the greatest fraud in Medical/Pharmacological history or not, but money and profit corrupts the medical system and this seems like a big experiment and patients are the unwitting Guinea Pigs. And frankly, good cholesterol values can be achieved easily with changes in diet and exercise. It is just that "taking a pill" while maintaining an unhealthy life style is easier, and many people are unwilling to change bad lifestyle habits.
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The above post by Rocketjsgl - good post, but in the wrong place so I reported it - this is the thread about siblings and the caregiver saving for retirement. Rocket person is writing to the different question about statin drugs and side effects. Too good a post to lose, so I hope someone moves it over to the right place!
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I've been hearing that a lot with the cholesterol drugs; know that I found that my dad had been on them when he wound up back in the hospital, where, with that time, there being 2 other family members in 2 other different hospitals in 2 other different states, he wasn't being watched over as closely as he should have been - there are only so many of us to go around - the hospitalist, who didn't really know him, put him on them and it wasn't caught but looking back was a time when he did have a lot of balance issues that did go away after it was caught and he was taken off - wondering if that's not a lot of the issue with hub's uncle and his falls and friend's mom as well - so tending to agree - "taking a pill" seems to be considered the easy solution - till the side effects get too bad, like blood pressure bottoming out
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I have decades of nursing experience, worked multiple full & part time jobs simultaneously for years, yet my siblings and spouse have no clue what I do for a living. Caregiving is brutal on the body and worse on the emotions, no matter if paid or not. Spouse finally believes me after caring for his dad for past year. He about lost his mind when dad started digging stool out with hands, although I told him many times that would happen.
Nobody knows what any job is really like until is becomes his or hers. Wasting your breath making them understand.
If you are new to CG role, have parents sign documents giving you financial reward after they die. If they cannot pay you, sign over house w stipulation they can stay til death, update will etc. No need to tell siblings. If they cared, they would already know. Good luck.
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I'm 72. Too old to start a retirement account. Just got fired from my job of 9 years because of my age. I'm caring for my mom 91 years old with Dementia, and my 65 year old brother who has Down's syndrome and cannot be left alone. I'm exhausted, scared, broke. Mom made a mess of her credit before I discovered she had dementia, and I'm left to pick up the pieces. Too much money coming in for the 3 of us to qualify for help, but not enough money coming in to pay all the bills. Mom just had a bout with Lymphoma, and I still owe medical bills from that. There's still month left at the end of the money and my worthless brother would rather critisize and accuse instead of help.
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scifinutt, the Age Discrimination in Employment Act (ADEA) is the Federal law that makes age discrimination illegal. It applies to workers who are at least 40 years old and to employers with at least 20 employees. Many States have similar age discrimination laws, and they can be more stringent than the ADEA. For example, the law in your state could apply to employers with less than 20 workers. You might want to look into that.
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Trust me if it is not the Adult Protective Services it is the visiting nurses and if it is not the visiting nurses it is home care that tries to find fault when it is not your fault. They your siblings and these other people want people to spend their money on the necessities and doctors bills and transport to the doctors but have nothing left for themselves. That is what I call the caregiver trap. They trap you so you have to use Medicaid and medicare for expenses and then they fault you for trying to take the best care of your parents so they can come in like vultures and take whatever you got left and your dignity. Two of my siblings live far away and my one sibling lives here in town and she acts like although I do the dishes and clean the laundry sweep the floor and everything else around here she acts like like I don't put forth enough effort. I am up with my mom all day nearly making sure she has her meds and meals and that she is comfortable and my sister still finds fault. My sister and I argue so much about how much education the other one has had and my training is different than hers. She has gone to school to become a paramedic and has become very sterile and cold hearted in the process and lost all feeling and personality she had in the past. I have gone to school to try and double major as criminal Justice and corporate communications and had to take a sabbatical because of nerve problems and my moms health. I had to put my life on hold this past year. My sister gets to go out and live her life when do I get to live mine. My life is ruined from dealing with The Adult Protective Services and not finishing my education and my health among other things and I have had to spend money out for meds, the doctors, hearing and eye exams, as well as x-rays. I even had to buy a new commode because medicare would not pay for one when my mom needed a new commode. Since I cannot trust the home health care provided by the government and I am trying to find private pay home health I had to buy and Oxi meter and a new blood pressure cuff nothing fancy and a digital thermometer. The caregiver trap is that in this lifetime you may never be able to save much money because of the high cost of everything and with inflation and the economy it is near impossible to put any money away at all unless your a nurse or work for visiting nurses.
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You should have been using your Dad's SS $ and his Medicare to pay for his meds/medical supplies. Never use your own funds (unless dad was reimbursing you?).
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Your first priority should be to yourself in supporting yourself and having funds in order to feed, cloth and house yourself. Other people's needs can get taken care of by either Medicaid or their own funds. Do not jeopardize yourself. For what? Now you find yourself homeless without your own money for you.
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Dear Caregiver Bob,
I sympathize with you and your situation. I gave up my life in another state and moved in with my parents to care for them. Now, as mother was admitted to a nursing home, I find that the state of Pennsylvania is one of two filial law states, meaning that adult children CAN be held responsible for the money spent by Medicaid and others to keep their parents in a nursing home. This is well documented. All you have to do is google Filial Law in Pennsylvania. I am about to move my parents, their belongings, bank accounts, etc. as well as all that I moved north almost two years ago back to the south where I have a church and many good friends, and where the state is not a filial law state. For those of you reading this who live in Pennsylvania, take heed. Your children may not only not inherit a dime from you, but they may be sued in this state to collect for the parents' care. I am slightly oversimplifying, but it is an important thing to research. If you are an elderly parent, you need to take action now, before a five-year look-back and begin to rearrange your estate if you have not already done so.
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I don't understand this money thing. Don't ur parents get pensions and SS? Right now Moms SS is being used for her house until it sells. She has a small pension thatI use for her personal things, Depends, perscriptions, etc. We eat out alot so we do pay for that but at the end of the month if any of the pension is left over, she treats and feels good she can. She has some money in savings. I would deplete all that before I would touch our money. We r retired. If their money doesn't pay the bills, sell the house and live off of the equity. I love/d my parents but would not jeopardize my future to take care of them if there were other options.

I have mentioned, its just me out of 3. One brother is 7hrs away, the other is going thru a divorce, so no help there. But, they support me in what I do. They realize that what money Mom has is going to her care. They aren't looking for their share. This mindset that Mom/Dads money is mine really gets me. We have told our kids that we are spending it all.

I agree about keeping records. I can show the bills I pay for Mom because its always a check. With her pension money, I keep all the receipts and put them withthe check stub for that month. On another thread someone suggested writing down every thing you do for the person. Cover ur tail.
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The 1st thing i did was take my mother to an attorney. I wanted everything to be fair. I was taking o the full financial responsibility as far as her care was concerned. The attorney did her living will, and ALL OF HER ASSETS, life insurance, stocks, everything, was left to the grandchildren. I made sure she left nothing to us, as there was going to be WWIII anyway. Siblings were not at all pleased, but such is life. The attorney did however, stipulate that i be reimbursed for all medical expenses. His idea, not mine. Her villa sold, and i was paid back everything i spent. That wasn't why i took care of her, i just wanted her last months here to be the best i could give, she was only 59. It's been almost 11 years. Neither of my siblings speak to me, and I am totally ok with that. I have to take care of me.
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wow, just 59? Lourdes; so sad, am so sorry, that's so young but not far from my age - makes me think I maybe really do need to get my stuff together and haven't even finished with my dad's yet - think a problem is what is considered medical expenses and should it be only those that are reimbursed; we spent quite a bit on my parents house
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We agreed to he medical expenses. You can specify whether you want "All expenses paid out of pocket for care". I paid her mortgage, HOA, electric and i can keep going. Because she was pput on steroids, she developed diabetes, insulin, diet, groceries alone fr her special diet wer $300. Per week. You need to find an attorney if you can. We were really blessed. Hers did it pro bono. We were sent to him by an attorney who no longer did wills. He was aa Godsend
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This is a very important topic. I am too new to offer any advice. I am so impressed and heartbroken by the answers so far.
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Actually, Lourdes, that's the way it was supposed to be with us; when you say you took care f her, then earlier you said you took full financial responsibility as far as her care, is that the way you mean, that you only took care of her financially or were you providing the actual care but then providing financially just for her medical yourself?
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I agree with you, Caregiverbob. Caregiving is a tough job and often the primary caretaker gets blamed for things. However, I would just like to echo what Sooozi said, and that most of us here CHOSE to be the caretakers! We were not forced into it! Nobody twisted my arm to move mom in with us! We could have left my mom in the nursing home until we had spent down all of her money and she could have gotten on Medicaid. Just because my siblings didn't choose to move her in with them doesn't mean there was something wrong with them! So just as we get blamed for things, we need to be careful that we don't resort to blaming others such as our siblings for the choices that we've made. I chose to do this because I never wanted to look back with any regrets. I chose to do this because it was the RIGHT thing to do (even though she does not remember who we are most of the time now) and not because it was fair. I don't think it would have been the RIGHT thing to do for all my other siblings. Again, it was my choice. Just because they didn't choose to do the same thing doesn't mean that they are wrong. However, should there come a time when I am no longer able to take care of my mom, I would not feel guilty or bad at all if I placed her in a nursing home! I would have peace of mind knowing that I did everything I could and that I did the very best I can for as long as I did. Yes, my siblings will never quite be able to understand all that I did 24/7 for my mother because they haven't walked in my shoes, and that's okay! Granted, they live too far away to help out, and I knew that going into this. That is why I have so many hours a week of respite care lined up. Yes, perhaps it would be a good idea to have some sort of a written agreement in place for final payment if that is what you are expecting. But that is NOT why I am doing this at all! However, I think it would be helpful if you had some sort of account set up that you can use it to help pay for things such as medications, glasses, and other incidentals so you don't end up using your own money. Yes, I agree. Caregiving for a loved on full-time can be draining on your own pocketbook as well as your retirement! However, in my case family has always come first before my career. That is just how I am. I also agree that often my mom does not appreciate what I do. Part of that is the dementia. Like I said, most of the time she doesn't remember who I am, so to her I am just another hired hand. I have to remember that my mom no longer thinks like a mother, she thinks like a two year-old! Of course, two year olds are notorious for being self-centered and for thinking that the world revolves around them! That's because their brains are not fully developed yet and therefore they are incapable of seeing things from other peoples' perspectives. It is the same with dementia due to the deterioration of the brain. I don't necessarily agree with Castle that there should be a Caregiver Retirement Account set up and that the siblings are somehow supposed to contribute to it. If anything, if you are expecting some sort of payment for it then that should be addressed in the will BEFORE you agree to become a caregiver. In my case, since I quit my job to take care of my mom, I have my mom pay for our room and board. If we go out for a bite to eat somewhere I pay for it out of my mom's account. I think that this is only fair.
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First of all I'd like to thank the forum's comments. This website has helped out a bunch!! I'm caregiverbob, my question was a comment for other caregivers. Are there any tips for CG to save there own money without siblings accusing of steeling it.. There was some comments I felt I should answer. Some mentioned Medical and medicaid, (Medical is for Ca. residence and medicaid is for Ca. residence that went out of state) well my father worked for the RailRoad (Santa Fe R/R) the R/R is there own government (a few years ago the R/R had lent our government 1 BILLION DOLLARS, which was never paid back, other than the back door deal's) and yes, I had filled out paperwork to the county to be my dad's caregiver and to get paid, well my dad made to much to pay me. But at the same time he was unable to all the Bills, so i stepped in to help. Even though his mind was deteriorating he wanted to help the whole family. He couldn't destingwish who's right and who's wrong at the time my sister was receiving $550.00 for a year because her divorce and needed the help, but 5 months after receiving help from paw she came back and said she made a mistake about her payment and that it's not a year and that she owed for 3 years.... Well my dad didnt blink an eye, just paid it. Well years later we found out it was only one year to pay off her car, not three years she told my dad.. She was playing around for 2 years, whoring around online meeting dudes.. Her alimony was up the same day her car was paid off. Well for 5 1/2 years it turned to 700.00 dollars. Now my brother was general contractor and had ripped me off $11,500 ( one as a loan for $5,000, $6,000 was for a project I worked on designing a 4 bedroom home and he ran out of town with a $6,000 dollar check and never paid me a cent. But these are the people who called adult services and not once mentioned what I had done for them... Forgot the good i had done, but much less the help i provided for our father.... My sister was the first to call adult services to say i was steeling money from my dad. I showed the investigator a check I received and after she looked it over, she closed her file and said investigation is closed and she left.... I've tried my hardest!!!! If anything live your life and dont let your emotions stop you....... When you feel down stop by this website to bring you up again!!
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Wow! I had no idea that there are so many deadbeat siblings. Mine is an alcoholic. I did come to realize a few years ago...that spending my Retirement savings on Mom's care was not a good idea. If I spent it all, who was going to take care of me? That was three years ago. My brother seems to be in some sort of denial about his role in my decision to take Mom to the home. He doesn't work and lives in her house. You would think that he'd CONSIDER
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Sorry. Consider getting himself together and bringing Mom home. CONSIDER. At least then, he would be showing some effort.
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I want to respond to lmccarthy's post, that we cannot blame siblings for not choosing to provide the care, just because we CHOSE to do it.

I agree with that, not every sibling is prepared at the time of need, many live farther away, or are involved in their own life struggles of career or family.

It's not a matter as I see it, of blame for not doing the care. But in situations, particularly if they last years and years, where care is needed by a family member, it is not fair for only one sibling to take on the whole job, leaving no worries at all for the other siblings.

In your situation, it seems you were in a position to arrange your life to include your mom's needs, and as you said, you took room and board from her, so that made it more fair that you gave so much of your time. Good enough. That is part of what I meant by the idea of a Care Retirement Account. Sounds as if you were not personally at risk of great loss during your own later years, so you were in a position to give the care, and when you felt she would not receive good enough care in the nursing home, and you could do it better, then good, you took action and made the choice.

I did the same, I also chose to take care of my disabled brother - but in my case, I felt no sibling obligation to do so - he was my sib, not my mother. 5 other siblings lived far from me, and I was someone who had received help in adult life and when I looked back and saw him struggling at home, I offered to help.

But technically, he was my mother's responsibility, not mine - and I had not finished my own education properly to support myself in my adult life, nor was I married. My mom had him when she was 44, so when she was 64, she was simply unprepared and tired, lived with second husband far from town and had never worked, so she was not capable of helping him leave home and safely integrate himself into the adult world like his other sibs.

I found it interesting to teach him, and when I saw him actually responding positively to my efforts, and when I had full responsibility, I finally understood the day to day difficulties he had with his coordination difficulties - I felt I could give the best help, and I did my best and have no regrets.

As you said, if you ever decided to put your mom into a nursing home at a later date, then you would do so with no regrets, knowing you had already done what you could. Me too, that happened, and by now my brother is in a nursing home, and has an excellent balance of activities in his schedule both inside and outside the home, because of me.

The point is however - the whole family, all the siblings know that at some stage a disabled sib in my case, or an ailing parent will need care,

It is not the financial responsibility of any one sibling, to pay for entire costs of care, and my point is that there ARE costs, and for some, time spent is the major cost, not just the money. Actually, you did what I said in your own way - your plan for some supplement to your own Retirement, came because you took room and board from your mom. It's only fair. That's the point.

Too often, care needs grow gradually, and one sib, who lives closest, sees the needs and recognizes them. Far off siblings don't see the needs so clearly. They may hear of needs periodically, but don't see how often the needs crop up, to them it sounds like a long series of details, they don't follow the progression or decline. They don't see how much time it takes sometimes to persuade a fragile person to cooperate with the caregiver even in meeting their own needs.

Far off observers see a snapshot view - and in many photos, people are clean and neat and smiling.

I did not live with my two youngest brothers growing up, my mother took them with her when she married her second husband after my father died. Living apart, I did not even see the needs of the youngest, because his disabilities seemed a minor annoyance or worry, that I could hear of periodically, worry a bit, then forget, for I knew there was little I could do from far away. And it never seemed as bad as it was, for when he lived at home and my mother made sure he was dressed well, had hair cut, dentist - I thought of him roughly as a pest, who didn't know how to get along with peers - I didn't think further.

Only at 31, when I heard of his major struggles and recognized my mother's age and inability to help, I offered to help, and my mother sent him right down, because he was having so many seizures despite so many medicine changes, and was belligerent.

I had received help with fitting into adult life myself by then, and thought maybe I could help, so I offered, thinking maybe it would take some extra of my time for a few years or so. It was only when I had the full responsibility for his life and care, that I even SAWhow every area of his life, hour after hour of every transition in his day - was full of challenges he could meet so slowly or not at all, that he was quickly unkempt, left out and left behind. In our busy and broken up family, he had only learned to let mom care for him, and he learned to smile broadly to everyone who asked, and say he was doing OK.

Took me the first 10 years to reach him myself, get him to communicate with me, learn his needs, try him in different living situations, jobs, programs, before I learned enough about his patterns and how to stand up for him, so I gradually made choices that steadily helped him. Then 10 years to support the caregivers that I found, vetted, hired and monitored to help him, then another 6 or so to celebrate - then his balance started to deteriorate, and he had to move or drop out because of that, and he was not capable of exploring and choosing places that fit.

Long story short - I never expected to be needed as much as I found necessary to rescue him - service system that people expect to help, in reality is fragmented, usually offer meds for any agitation. The process is not helpful, but often disruptive for younger populations.

I CHOSE to help, and did so more than once, for I saw that I became the one person not fooled by his broad smile and the clean clothes I put him in (otherwise he would have been victimized by street people) - and I learned to intervene positively with him, after repeated struggles through time, but I stayed positive and hopeful and loyal - and he came to trust and grew.

I'm trying to be brief enough here. Point is that not every sib can or should do care. But if a family with siblings is going to be friendly with each other at all, even the far off sibs need to pay attention, or as LuvChrisAl just said, even CONSIDER taking on the care, so they understand that one of their siblings is making a significant life decision, and as a family, they should - if they believe in family relationships - do something to help - and also visit, so the caregiver sibling is not left alone as the only family member who is facing and struggling to deal with a very difficult situation. My family eventually pay me a monthly stipend now, even when the care is over, for I spent so much time during years when I needed to be saving for my own aging years - but I didn't realize the care would take so long - I had to fight for it, for many years, for from a distance, they just said, it was "your choice". But my choice was actually to try to help, not to substitute my disabled brother for a child of my own, or to find that family wanted to be backseat drivers and got angry if I disagreed with their ideas - took a while for me to teach them that I loved some of their ideas, but as the person on the spot managing all aspects of care, I would choose those that fit. They were not ill willing - but they never offered, so I'd have to ask for help, and it took me a long time to learn that I had to notify them of timing and details - work!

Hope this helps bring some clarity here, and I appreciate the discussion!
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I have a diabled nephew. He has physical and neurological problems. His Mom died and my brother raised him until he was 18 whenhe moved in with Mom. He had his problems that were hard for SIL to deal with. She didn't want him back. When we have discussed his future, she says her kids will helpif they have to. They were meanto him when he lived with them. Long story why we didn't raise him. Mom wanted him but at 80 couldn't handle his SS application and stuff like that. It fell on me. So here we r, I have Mom and he is living in Moms house until its sold. Since he has done well, I will help him to look for a place to live. I will use the Social Services to help with food stamps, etc. I have had set up, under a judges order, a Special Needs Trust that the agencies cannot touch but I can use for his care. I will probably have to be made his conservator because he can't handle money. I will always have to oversee him. One day he will be in a home because he will end up have a sort of dementia because of his neurolgical problem. Not sure when that will happen but at 65 I know it won't be me. My girls will still be young enough they will have to work. If I'm gone, I know my oldest will make sure he is OK and has what he needs but I don't expect her to care for him in her home. But as an RN who has worked rehab/nursing facilities she is the best one to oversee him.

We all do what we feel we have to do. But none of us should be forced into it. We need to make decisions on what is best for everyone.
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Sorry, it posted before I was done.

Its suppose to say " now at 65 I know I won't be able to be his caregiver in later years"

I do feel bad about this because he is sweet guy. I'm just being realistic.
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