Follow
Share

My Mom is 87 years old and is in assisted living. She has dementia. She hates where she is and would like to live with me and my husband. She calls both me and my husband names consistently and blames me for having to live in assisted living. I have a lot of guilt over the fact that she is not living with me but know in my heart it would not be possible. I don't know how to help any more. She seems to be more upset when I see her because she knows she has to go back. I have no family support even though there are three siblings. Nobody wants to help. My husband is the only one that helps her along with myself. Mom calls my husband names constantly and tells him he is a drunk. I am sure if My Mom moved in with us, my marriage would be over. Am I wrong to take a stand for my marriage? Am I still honoring my Mother?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Rocknrobin - you have come to the right forum. Look at some of the other stories on here - you are not alone and you are not the only one in this situation. YOU ARE NOT A BAD DAUGHTER. When you married, you and your husband became one and your first commitment is to your marriage. Your role as daughter is to help your mom get the care she needs not cave into her demands. It sounds like she is in the right place - try working with the staff to understand how she is doing and how they can help. If she has dementia, you likely won't be able to reason with her. Emphasize that you love her and yes you are sorry she is in AL, but that is where the best care is for her. And no, don't feel guilty. My guess is that she has consistently manipulated you all of her life using the guilt trip. And H*LL NO - if she abuses your husband, why on earth would she have the right to move in? Try disengaging someone - take fewer calls, see her a little less often to make your self stronger and more comfortable in your skin. You have nothing to feel bad about.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Have you ever spoken to the AL to see how mom is when you aren't there? She may be just fine. My grandmother was in a NH and all I heard was how awful it was. I walked in one day and observed her in the dining room holding court at her table and loving every minute of it. She got her nails done for the first time in her life and loved the activities.
You aren't dishonoring your mom in any way. Honoring her doesn't mean taking her verbal abuse and allowing her to treat your husband like a dog. A man and woman leaves their home to become one in marriage. Your husband comes first. You know in your heart that the AL is the best place for her and you. Don't go so often. Limit the trips out is this is upsetting her. Stand firm. You can do this.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.