Mother widowed 9 years ago from her childhood sweetheart of 55 years. Brother that is extremely impossible to cope with having OCD/Manic/BiPolar/Compulsive liar, Smoking in the house when repeated attempts to ask him to stop continues to do so. Knocks on doors requesting food, money, etc..
Mother is very depressed and difficult to deal with, All request from have to be immediattely addressed without hesitation, Somewhere in there trying to find a way to have somewhat normal life while caring for 2 people is more that a full time job. Every I wake up and go check to see if either of them have passed, What a life, There has got to be a better way.
Any advice would be helpfull.
That means something has to change.
That change can be you, your mother or your brother.
Trying to get an addict to change is nigh unto impossible. Add in other mental illness and you have a perfect storm of inability. Unless he WANTS to change it ain't gonna happen. So shut that possibility down.
If your mom is fully cognizant of what is going on she is an enabler as are you.
Is your mother willing to see a therapist about her depression and other issues?
If not then (again if she is cognizant) she is not going to change either.
So that leaves YOU the one that can make changes.
STOP helping and enabling them.
What would happen if you fell and broke a leg and could not help? What would happen if you were in an auto accident and were taken to the hospital and could not "help" them?
Sometimes the way to "help" someone is to not help them.
You are not under any obligation to care for either of them. I hope you know that.
As long as you keep enabling them, nothing will ever change.
So move out, make your immediate family your priority(along with yourself of course)and if needed you can call APS to report 2 vulnerable adults living on their own, and they will come out and take things from there.
And again in case you didn't understand it the first time....YOUR MOTHER AND BROTHER ARE NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. PERIOD.
There is a better way and tough love towards both your mother and brother is the road to it.
You might not know this but you are the enabler to both of them. Your responses to mom and brother are why they are able to continue living the dysfunctional lives they do.
First you need to know that your mother's depression and your brother's mental illnesses and addiction cannot be fixed by you or anyone else. If they have no will to overcome no one can help them. All you can do is stop enabling them.
Here is where you begin.
Today you stop snapping to attention when your mother commands you to. When she tells you to jump, you don't say 'how high?' anymore. Then you tell them both what your conditions are if they want you to stay in their life and help them with anything.
One of those conditions has to be that your brother moves into a sober living house. These are group home-style places that are for people like him who want to be clean and sober but who also need an adult to manage the ADL's in life. Another of your conditions has to be that your mother agrees to treatment and therapy for her depression. If she refuses, then you have to refuse to take care of her. You have to leave her to it as they say and walk away.
If mom and brother refuse your conditions, you stop doing for them. Stay in touch, but don't help either of them in any way.
This is how it has to be. Of course you love your family and want to help them but you're not doing them any favors or yourself being their enabler as you are.
Maybe some therapy for you to help you stay strong and not give in to what I expect has probably been a lifetime of conditioning from your mother and brother's abusive neediness.
I would also suggest you join Al-Anon. It is an organization for people who have people in their lives who are alcoholics. There are also meetings for people through NA (Narcotics Anonymous) who have drug addicts in their lives.
These groups will teach you how to stop enabling your brother and your mother.
Do you feel you ARE caught in the middle? Trapped? Wedged there in the middle of the backseat, the cardoor not within your reach?
What would you LIKE to do?
They’ll manage just fine because this sort of people always find another enabler.
Right now it’s you. It doesn’t have to be. You have no legal obligation to either of them.
Please, don’t make the same mistake that I did. I took care of my mom for far too many years.
Oh yeah, I had the drug addict brother too. I had to stop trying to help him. Thank God he didn’t live with us. My mom tried to get me to consent to him living in our house and I adamantly refused.
If you are living with your mom, move out as soon as possible. If she is living with you, then place her in a facility.
Do not expect your brother to change his ways. You are the one who has to change your environment. You know that you deserve a better life for yourself.
Go to a therapist to help you work through your emotions and take your life back.
Wishing you peace as you figure out what path to take.