How can you get not always kind neighbor with dementia, hearing and vision loss, without family placed into care against her will?

you call the local Area Agency on Aging and tell them that you all are going to resign.

Unfortunately, this is often one very difficult phase of the dementia journey. The dementia person goes through a period of making emotional and often unwise decisions base on what "I want" before the dementia yields them legally incompetent. As the elder law attorney advised me "... just making bad decisions doesn't make someone incompetent under the law." You cannot place them against their will as long as they are legally competent. It's very hard to watch and feel helpless.

I would suggest all three friends getting together with the neighbor for a good talk about reality. You might want to get some POA (durable and healthcare) papers prepared ahead of time naming the friend that handles finances as primary POA, with the other two as secondary POAs in case the primary cannot complete the duties. Focus the discussion on your concerns for your friend's continuing good care - and since you are all elderly too, you are afraid that one or more of you will have health problems that prevent you from helping as needed sometime in the future. Explain you would like to help him/her choose a care center while he/she is still able to be a bit picky; you will continue to visit or take to doctor as needed; and that the POAs are needed for when the dementia advances so you can continue to help out. Leave the POAs papers for him/her to think about and offer a ride to have them witnessed when he/she is ready to sign.

Please understand that not always being kind (particularly if this is a relatively new behavior) can be a symptom of the dementia and not just your friend being stubborn. Fear of losing control of your life can always make someone prickly and a bit unreasonable.

God Bless you and your friends for taking care of this neighbor to this point and continuing to care about his/her welfare.

JoAnn’s right. I would call APS as the area Agency on Aging can take a while to get information to you. APS is more immediate. If your neighbor has dementia, she will not be able to appoint anyone as POA since a person needs to be of sound mind to sign. She’s probably at the point where she will needa court appointed guardian. Be clear with APS that this is not a situation that can wait. Who authorized the HIPPA authorization ? Did she?

Bless you for being such good neighbors that you’ve done all this for her. People like you are few and far between.

Yes, if she has no family you need to call in whatever is your Office of Aging or Adult protective services. Just be honest and say you all can no longer do it. My husband and I helped a family a while back and we were in our early 60s and it really got to me. It got to be we were spending 2 or more days a week running some member of the family to doctor visits in the next state. I did set some boundries. So I sympathize. You have done enough, its time for someone else to step in.