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And guilt tripping his step daughter into buying his scotch. Now they both say "if he wants to drink himself to death, that's his right" that's what makes him happy and complient. He signs himself out of the living center... baker act only is for 3 days... driving everyone to the point of hoping 🙏he will die soon. It's just not right... please help

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Ranfrom,

Thanks for the update.

I am glad that he is in a safe place. The hospital staff will know how to deal with this from a medical standpoint. Medical professionals see this all the time. Alcoholism is a disease and needs to be addressed by professionals.

Friends and family members may be well meaning at first, then naturally become increasingly frustrated when they realize they aren’t able to help them. It’s a lot to deal with. It’s heartbreaking.

Addicts are manipulative when they are abusing substances or alcohol and family members are often enabling their lifestyle. Families need to be supportive of recovery efforts but must protect themselves as well. It requires the correct balance.

Many of us have had family members who have dealt with addictions. Throw other health issues on top of it and it truly becomes a difficult situation.

Withdrawal is brutal and is dangerous if it isn’t handled properly. Also, please be aware that relapses are extremely common. Recovery isn’t easy to achieve. It usually takes more than one attempt. I would suggest a support group for all family members to attend. Look to see where a chapter of Al-Anon is located. You will meet others that have experienced similar situations.

These situations are devastating for the addicts and their families. Wishing you and your family all the best.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Thanks for the update. Problem I am seeing by sending him to an AL is the step-daughter. She could still sneek booze to his room without anyone knowing until after he is drunk.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I took care of it... he snuck out and I followed him... he got lost and started driving 80mph through sub divisions... I called non emergency police and the pulled him over in the ditch after almost hitting a tree...long story short... he has been in the hospital for over a week going through withdraws and his car and keys have been sent to a relatives house... Currently look for an assisted living facility... thanx for all your help 🙏
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Reply to Ranfrum
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 4, 2021
Good news. Hopefully he gets the care and help he needs for the long haul.
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The wife has to be removed from the house for her safety. Can you assist and support her as her protector? Is she willing to be led?
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Reply to MACinCT
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Call the police if he leaves the house drunk and gets behind the wheel. They will take his car and he will get a DUI. When he goes to court, present paperwork showing he has Dementia. The Judge may revoke his license on the spot. Yes, its his right to drink himself to death but not his right to kill someone. Every time he drives under the influence, call the cops.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Seems to me that there will be several people complicit, and maybe negligent, in his death by alcohol and those he may kill while driving (seems like a good candidate for a road rage incident). In case of an accident, the insurance co. may check his medical records, find he has dementia, and refuse to pay the claim, whether or not he is at fault. Doesn't sound like a very nice scenario, does it? His behavior places the family in a precarious financial position.

Consider the following: Step one- the guilt ridden step daughter has to muster the courage to refuse to buy his booze. Step2- hide or dispose of the car keys. Step3- ask his doctor to issue a “do not drive” prescription. Step4- notify the DMV of his dementia and alcoholism and include the doctors order. Some states have an on line form you can use for this purpose. Step5- if all else fails, call 911 to report a careless driver with dementia.
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Reply to sjplegacy
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 11, 2021
Report a drunk driver with dementia. Careless minimizes it and the police will not respond because they don't have the man power to respond to careless unless an accident resulted.
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I would start watering down that booze.

You can't just cold turkey someone off of substances but, you can wean them off.

This could happen in about 2 months with each day having less alcohol and more water added to his drink.

He must be stopped from driving, even if that means jail for DUI. The law should be called every time his drunk self gets behind the wheel. If he injures someone or God forbid, kills someone he can be sued and lose everything, so they would lose everything as well. Is it really worth living with the knowledge that you enabled this person to kill or maim someone?

Edit: what type of living center? Someone should have a meeting with the powers that be and explain that he is signing himself out, drunk as a skunk and he needs to be stopped. What can they do? Call the police when they see him weaving out of the center. Call a caregiver to try and redirect him.

Ask them why they aren't protecting one of their residents from another of their residents? She needs to learn to call for help instead of hiding and the living center needs to assist her in her safety.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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You say that this person suffers from dementia. If this is true, then there must be a POA? The person should be placed in memory care where there is no access to alcohol. However, if you are dealing with a person with addiction then there needs to be careful MEDICAL withdrawal from alcohol and should be followup psychological help. In other words, if this is diagnosed and documented dementia the POA can act in the best interests of this person who exhibits addictive behavior. No one else can do this.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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How totally irresponsible of his wife and step daughter, to let him continue to drink and drive. They will be just as guilty if God forbid he were to get in an accident and injure or kill someone. The minute he gets behind the wheel drunk, they should be calling the police to report him, so the police can apprehend him before something really bad happens.
And as far as getting him to stop drinking, that will be impossible. An alcoholic will only stop when they are good and ready, or because they die. And how does his wife and step-daughter ever expect him to stop drinking, when they are enabling him by going to get it and allowing it in the home?
This is one crazy messed up household for sure. They all need help. Perhaps you can recommend Al-Anon for his wife and step-daughter, as that will help them see how they are in fact hurting him instead of helping him. Good luck. You're going to need it.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Is he an alcoholic? Did he have a drinking problem before his dementia? What a sad situation for all of them. I would agree with the advice to call 911 if she feels like she is in danger.

How does he ‘guilt’ his stepdaughter to buy his booze? What a mess! I hope that they can figure out a way to help him and spare themselves any further misery.

Best wishes to all of you.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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If the wife were to leave...
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Reply to Beatty
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If his wife is being terrified that much she should be calling the cops on him every time she feels that way and working on a restraining order. Or talking to an attorney. Anything to keep him out. And the step-daughter is a ninny for buying alcohol for someone with dementia and drives drunk. But, sounds like there is a very dysfunctional co-dependency going on with that trio.

If he has a diagnosis of dementia then one can surely contact the DMV for his state online and anonymously report him as a dangerous driver. Most likely they will send a letter informing him he needs to come in to be retested. No one should take him to that appointment or remind him about it. In the meantime, whoever is living with him is in the best position (and some say has the moral obligation) to remove the car and keys from the premises so he cannot kill someone. If this proves difficult then whenever he leaves the driveway 911 should be called every single time.
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