My 3-year-old grandson is confused by his Alzheimer's grandmother irrationally dealing with his normal 3-year-old behavior. We can't control her behavior and are only moderately successful managing his behavior.
Just want to say that I did take my 3 yr old grandson to see my Mom but she loved little kids. She made over him. A man at the AL liked to play ball with him. They just rolled it back and forth to each other. And the other residents enjoyed him. In this situation, I would have never exposed him to a person who hollers at him. Of course he is confused and not old enough to understand what Dementia is or how the brain works no matter how you explain it. Grandma does not seem to enjoy his visits either.
yes same here--the kids come to see their grandma in memory care but she lights up and is sweet and loving with them, they make her so happy. if she was irrational and scolding there's no way we would put them through that, we'd leave the kids at home.
I don’t have a lot of memories of most of my grandparents as they were all pretty old by the time I came around, but I am certainly glad that the memories I do have are either positive or neutral.
I have a vivid memory of feeling mortified at age 4 or so when an aunt calmly but firmly asked me along with some other kids not to keep opening and closing the doors, letting flies in. I was particularly “sensitive” but I think all little kids lack the context to correctly identify adult behavior all of the time.
Please don’t subject a small child to irrational scolding.
Don't take him. It's the sort of horror that is disproportionate to a young child, more than the adults present can appreciate in the moment, and it will stay with him for life.
If it were of any benefit to her there might just about be a case for it, but he irritates her and she will frighten the heck out of him. His parents must make better arrangements, and you shouldn't hesitate to tell whichever of them is your child so.
Maybe it would be better to keep your grandson away from his grandmother, if she scolds him irrationally. Why subject him to this? If he must visit her, talk to him ahead of time and try to explain at a level he can understand that his grandmother's mind is sick and sometimes she is not able to think clearly. She may say some things that are not true.
Explain that grandma has problems with remembering and forgets what it was like to be his age or when her children were his age. She gets easily confused and that makes her feel upset. Then, she says or does things that sound mean because she is upset. It has nothing to do with you (insert name of 3-year-old) and everything to do with the sickness that makes her forget.
The kid is three. Trying to explain dementia and "the sickkness" is the reason why her behavior is terrifying is too big a trip to lay on a three-year-old. Leave the kid at home where he belongs.
My grandkids never see either of their great grandmothers. My mom can't take the noise, etc., and she only likes some of them, and they know it. She doesn't have dementia, but she's very self centered and to take them to visit her? Waste of time, AND she's a little scary looking to a small child.
My MIL doesn't even accept the fact that our grands are HER great grands. She has never met several of them and has no desire to do so.
Just b/c you are related doesn't mean you have to have close relationships. And for small kids? A 3 yo is just barely beginning to understand the world and an old lady yelling at him? That could be awful.
I will happily say that I LOVED my Great grandmother and she was an amazing person who lived to 100 and took care of herself to the end. She knew all of her progeny, but then, family was very important to her and she 'bothered' to notice us.
The visits sound like they are upsetting to both the grandmother and child. So, instead of visits, take a short video of the child for the grandmother, and show it to her at the visit. Then take a short video of her and share it with the child. This allows them to communicate with each other without upsetting one another.
Great and useful answers all - thank you, very helpful. The issue will resolve itself when Granma has to be placed in assisted living - I'll be able to manage visits to the home much easier. Until then, Gran's daughters plan family gatherings and want us to visit them (too far for day only trips) so I will need curtail these to protect the grandkids.
I have a separate question about communications with her about the move to assisted living but will post separately. Thanks again all - very helpful!
Thanks for responding to us, N. It lets us know you are there, thnking about all this, and happy to have a variety of responses. I seem the odd man out in suggesting a short visit. Again, three year olds are more bright and more adaptable, and far more teachable than we give them credit for. And it is in my mind never to early to teach, while all the while having a certain escape route and keeping it short and sweet. As unpredictable as a three year old can be in acting out, the same can occur with an elder with dementia. You say she scolds, and if that has happened in the past consistently I think that others are correct. This isn't the place, even briefly for this particular three year old to be with this particular elder.
I would rather protect the young innocent kid than the old demented grandmother. A 3 y.o. child is too vulnerable emotionally and incapable to comprehend what dementia does to people.
While the idea of visiting is wonderful (cue ethereal music and unicorns dancing) It is sometimes not practical. I used to explain my Husbands dementia and the way he acted in stores (he would make noises that to kids sounded like crying) by comparing it to kids they might know in school that have Autism. I tell them his brain does not work like yours or mine. You can explain some things to kids but 3 is a bit young to grasp that concept. Then they may also fear that their brain can get broken somehow.
Talk about grandma. Tell him she is not well. but tell him stories and show pictures of her. Tell him what she used to be like. He can know her through stories,.
No offense, but there's absolutely no reason to take a three-year-old to see someone like that. He won't remember her, and if he does, they won't be good memories.
A 3 year old child should not have to be exposed to an Alzheimer's patient who is 'irrationally' dealing with his normal 3 year old behavior. It serves no useful purpose for you to be trying to control her behavior OR his behavior. It makes better sense to show him grandma over Facetime and put the tablet down if grandma starts getting upset, if you insist on a 'visit'. Better he should have no memories of the woman than ugly ones. All stories don't have happy endings, unfortunately, and at 3 years old, your grandson doesn't need to be traumatized needlessly. I have grandchildren myself and never brought them to see my mother who had advanced dementia b/c who knows WHAT words would have come out of her mouth?? My grandchildren can look at photos of their smiling great grandmother in her younger days before the ugly disease of dementia turned her into someone else entirely.
I would seriously limit his visits. At three he is incapable of your understanding really even the simplest explanations. But you can TRY. You could tell him that Gran has an illness that makes her very cranky, and that she isn't always remembering things, and so on. Tell him that Gran may seem cranky, but because there's not much that can be done for this illness, everyone must try to be as kind as they can. KEEP VISIT VERY SHORT when you have the young one with you There is no real reason for such a young child to have to be exposed to this overlong. He is very unlikely to remember or care a lot in future. Give him fun things to give to gran. Help him make a card with her as a young woman, better still, a child, or as his gran making things for him. Teach him to say "I am so sorry you don't feel good, Gran, and I hope you will be better soon". Take it slow, gently, and keep it short. Use it as a teaching moment; we all need to learn compassion as early as we can. Hope you'll update us.
Terrorizing a small child who’s too young to comprehend is not teaching compassion This would be at the expense of a very small innocent child who’s too young to understand explanations about her mean unpredictable behavior. It’s not a baby’s responsibility to appease adults who have stubbornly ingrained ideas that young children should always visit a senior - I agree with 99% of the replies not to subject the 3 yr old to this abuse
Grandma does not seem to enjoy his visits either.
I have a vivid memory of feeling mortified at age 4 or so when an aunt calmly but firmly asked me along with some other kids not to keep opening and closing the doors, letting flies in. I was particularly “sensitive” but I think all little kids lack the context to correctly identify adult behavior all of the time.
Please don’t subject a small child to irrational scolding.
If it were of any benefit to her there might just about be a case for it, but he irritates her and she will frighten the heck out of him. His parents must make better arrangements, and you shouldn't hesitate to tell whichever of them is your child so.
Leave the kid at home where he belongs.
My MIL doesn't even accept the fact that our grands are HER great grands. She has never met several of them and has no desire to do so.
Just b/c you are related doesn't mean you have to have close relationships. And for small kids? A 3 yo is just barely beginning to understand the world and an old lady yelling at him? That could be awful.
I will happily say that I LOVED my Great grandmother and she was an amazing person who lived to 100 and took care of herself to the end. She knew all of her progeny, but then, family was very important to her and she 'bothered' to notice us.
I have a separate question about communications with her about the move to assisted living but will post separately. Thanks again all - very helpful!
Me, I wouldn't take a 3 yo to visit someone who has late stage dementia. The child does not need to be exposed to that behavior.
It is sometimes not practical.
I used to explain my Husbands dementia and the way he acted in stores (he would make noises that to kids sounded like crying) by comparing it to kids they might know in school that have Autism. I tell them his brain does not work like yours or mine.
You can explain some things to kids but 3 is a bit young to grasp that concept. Then they may also fear that their brain can get broken somehow.
Talk about grandma. Tell him she is not well. but tell him stories and show pictures of her. Tell him what she used to be like. He can know her through stories,.
KEEP VISIT VERY SHORT when you have the young one with you
There is no real reason for such a young child to have to be exposed to this overlong. He is very unlikely to remember or care a lot in future.
Give him fun things to give to gran. Help him make a card with her as a young woman, better still, a child, or as his gran making things for him. Teach him to say "I am so sorry you don't feel good, Gran, and I hope you will be better soon". Take it slow, gently, and keep it short. Use it as a teaching moment; we all need to learn compassion as early as we can.
Hope you'll update us.