My Mom has mild/moderate Alzheimer's, she is 69 and lives an hour away from me. Her husband is there but barely due to work and who knows what else.
I have been her caregiver for the past 2 years, taking her to her appts, taking care of her meds and going down to her house 2 times per week to help manage things there with my 3 year old in tow!
My sister lives in FL and has the regular POA, my brother is around but busy and less patient.
Our concern is that her husband has not stepped up to the plate time and time again and there is a long list of things that he hasn't done or isn't doing for her that he should be.
I will put things in place for her and he will purposely not adhere to them making my help useless and me left feeling infuriated and defeated.
Its been coming to the point that its time to move them or her closer to me or closer to my sister so we can do daily drop ins since we can't trust him.
He even took her out yesterday to Costco and Giant..she said she had a mask on but mask or not she shouldn't be out during this Pandemic!!!! I have limited the amount I am down there right now because of this virus so I am trying to protect her and he just totally ignores that and he works in healthcare!!!!!!
How can we move her if he won't go along with it? How do we get around the marriage thing for the welfare of her?
HELP!
It's not just one time or one thing. It's a combination of things and events.
She has a weak stomach already so eating old food doesnt help.
Some people can eat things that have sat for over a week but for her it's not safe.
If you have POA then you should talk to your mom about moving her closer to you or your sister.
But, if she wants to stay with her husband then you should abide by her wishes as long as she knows what's going on.
You might see about having them both move closer to you but for now, unless he's abusing your mom, you shouldn't separate them., even tho your Dad may be not doing things your way.
The ideal situation is that when we have our next family meeting, we will come up with a move date and he will go along with it. That will be moving them closer to my sister or me.
I dont want to separate them, but if he fights the move I will need to do whatever I can to get her moved without him for her safety.
I suggest you talk to a lawyer who specializes in elder law. He/She can guide you in steps to take.
Yes, having bad food in the fridge and not monitoring her meds is putting her at risk for sure!
Yea, lawyer time it is..just to get a better idea of things.
Ireally they stay together and he doesnt fight us on the desicion that it is time to move!
I dont want him to give up on her, I want their marriage to work. But I want him to work with us and realize it's time to move for the safety of mom!
How long have they been married?
Have you talked to him about how he feels about the dementia diagnosis?
The thing is. You are trying to protect her - of course you are, she's your mother. But he is learning to live with his wife's having dementia.
You are both on the same side (your mother's side, that is), but the battles you are fighting are very different in their nature. Don't, whatever you do, end up in a whole extra battle fighting him - or not unless your mother no longer wants to be with him, or he voluntarily throws in the towel and decides he can't cope any longer.
What job in healthcare does he have?
"The marriage thing..."
I know nothing about their marriage, of course. It may be, for all I know, that one or both of them would be only too glad to end it. But the assumption has to be that her marriage is her main relationship. He outranks you. You can't unilaterally decide that he's disposable; and neither can you decide that because he doesn't comply with your view of what he should be doing he must be demented.
Finding that your beloved spouse has dementia is very hard. Wanting to support your mother is very natural. What you have to do is mesh roles. Stop giving him orders that make his life more difficult, be prepared to compromise, and treat them as a married couple dealing with this challenge together.
She also is a people pleaser and will change her story depending on who she is speaking to.
They have been married for 16 years and together for probably 10 years before that..
I cant imagine what they must be going through especially since he gets to see her worst side the most. But the thing is, I shouldn't HAVE to tell her husband to make sure he watches and takes her meds on a daily basis..should i?
Isnt that what you sign up for when you get married, sickness and health? He isnt stepping up and taking care of her so I have felt the need to step in and of course he doesnt like it but I cant just stand by and watch her deteriorate without trying everything I can do in my power.
He works at a nursing home in the dialysis section on the machines.
He would never go somewhere else bc then she would be completely alone. I offered for her to come to my house but she didnt want to bc she understandably is more comfortable at home.
Iis going to come down to, at the next family meeting, asking what he wants, where he wants to go, does he want out etc. And then give them some options. Most times mom is pissed at him bc he comes home late, eats and then sleeps and when he isnt working, he is not mentally there. Doesnt speak much to her and doesnt do anything around the house. So I dont know what they will decide but I doubt he will throw in the towel. Why would you give up on someone paying all of your bills for you?!
Would he be happy if we just paid him off to get out of the picture?
Tthese are definitely things we will be bringing up at the next meeting.
I just want to know that I tried everything I could do before I step back..
When you say:
"Her husband is there but barely due to work and who knows what else.", it is the who knows what else that is a concern.
Your Mom is being neglected. Her meds are likely being messed with by her hubs (he is acting squirrely?). She is not eating right.
Can you find out what she wants? You don't want her fighting you too.
Report to APS a vulnerable adult. If it is her house, can he leave
while he is working in healthcare?
If he is working in healthcare, he should be staying elsewhere instead of risking bringing home the virus.
O dear, you have a lot to deal with, and added due to the virus.
First, stop taking your 3 y. o. to your mom's house. Then find some solutions....
Is there a place to take Mom and get her quarantined?
So I have stopped going down as much since all of this but I dont want to send my son to child care so that is why I chose to bring him along.
My husband is essential and I work from home already.
I asked her to come home with me so I knew she would have socialization and I could make sure she was eating etc. But she declined.
Yes, he is a citizen.
We will be bringing this up at the next family meeting. Would he like a payout to just go about his way?! Does he want to stay and step up?
What are his intentions at this point because to all of us and our spouses, it doesnt seem like he has her best interest in mind or care for her anymore.
Hes quick to point the finger at everyone else but doesnt seem to see where he is lacking.
Before sister takes the responsibility of moving Mom, she may want to see a lawyer about Moms financial rights in the marriage.
Be aware too, that Mom will worsen. She eventually will not be able to be left alone. Her care will be more than u can handle with a small child.
I just read one of your replies. Your Mom is to the point she cannot be left alone. She has no idea how to take her pills and using a pill planner is not working. If you can't take her in, she will need to be placed in LTC or an AL.
My sister does have POA but we were under the assumption that this wasnt enough if it doesnt state that we can move her?
Hor assets are protected and my sister is POA at her accountant's office as well.
I know that she needs to have someone there with her so ideally he would come with her and step up his care!
But, my sister or I need to be closer to be able to still check in daily even if he is there and my sisters husband is in the Mavy so they cant move and we cant afford to live where she lives so they need to move closer to us!
Also, we need to move her to something smaller to afford more daily care.
I have been looking into AL but the rep at "a place for mom" told me that it depends on what her husband decides to do since he is not where she is at cognitively.
So, I dont know if he will fight us for sure or not but I just needed some advice since this is newer to us. Not sure what the POA my sister has will do for us besides protect her assets and purchasing.
Uunfortunately we went through this with her parents but they were moved together at the same time and circumstances are different with my mom and her husband.
Thanks for any and all advice, suggestions or ideas I can get! I have felt lost and stuck for a while now and I wish I had found this site sooner!
I'm not sure what can be done in the midst of the virus lockdown. But maybe take this time to try to develop a less contentious relationship with him so he will start to trust you and therefore allow more help for your mom. If you have a relaxed, informal conversation with him about the logistics of helping BOTH of them, he may be open to a discussion -- just don't expect to solve everything (or anything) in one talk. It seems he's not your father...does he have children from a prior relationship? If so it may not be a bad idea to fold them into a conversation (minus the dad) to express some concern about the parents and if they had any similar concerns and thoughts about it. Transparency and calm, non-emotional communication is always a good strategy. And now the lockdown has given us all the unexpected gift of less busy-ness to focus on things we normally wouldn't. I wish you all the best in figuring out how to best help your mom and her husband. Let us know how it goes!
He is 62 and yes he is not my father. He has grown children that live in Mexico. My siblings and I are all wondering if he himself has some cognitive issues as well bc some of the things he does or says dont seem rational.
We have had countless family meetings but are due for another.
No I haven't talked to his kids about this to see if they are concerned with his wellbeing but it's worth a shot.
If you dont know mom, you'd think she is telling you correct information about what she did that day or ate that day but being close to her I know this isnt the case bc i have been there to witness otherwise.
Hor not eating has been a concern and she will tell you she has eaten but she hasnt bc she doesnt remember and just goes off of what seems right. Another concern is that you cant take his word for it either bc A. Hes not there or B. Hes not telling it like it is!(I have proof I'm not just being hateful)
She is underweight and has been for quite some time so this has been a huge concern.
We are due for a family talk and hopefully will have a resolution by the time this Pandemic is over.
If he is going out and exposing himself by living in the same house she has already been exposed to whatever he has been exposed to so unless you can get him to stay home that "ship has sailed". Hopefully if he is in the healthcare field he is taking precautions and helping HIS wife do the same.
Maybe during this time and to limit exposure to you and the rest of your immediate family you and your children should take a step back. Let your step-father care for his wife. Let him take her to appointments (although I doubt there are many right now) let him do what you have been doing since he does not adhere to what you have done. Remember this is his home and your mom's home. While you may be "helping" he may see it as interfering.
If he truly can not care for her at some point something will happen and then you would have the ability to legally step in but for now if she is not in danger let it go.
If you want to move her closer to you now you would have to talk to a lawyer, preferably and Elder Care Attorney and try to become your mothers Guardian. And it would probably be a very difficult thing to do at this point.
Yes it is "our" concern.
He definitely sees it as interference for sure, but she is in danger because she is starting to do more "silly" things like, putting the wrong soap in the dishwasher and it flooding the kitchen or leaving her bagel in the toaster oven and walking away to do other things.
She is alone from 9 am to sometimes 12am and is left to do whatever she is doing without supervision. Sometimes we cant get ahold of her since technology is becoming an issue and he unplugged the house phone and got rid of it.
I have been there and checked their fridge to find rotten food in there time and time again.
There has been multiple issues with medications even when he said he would make sure she is taking them.
I stayed the night over and came down in the morning to find her pills still there from the night before...he got ready to go to work and was over by her pill case, when he left i went to go fill them for the week and her pills were magically gone. (Hes covering up for her)
Since then I got her a lockable pill case and I take her pill bottles home with me but she managed to break into her pill case and mess with her meds still last week. Thankfully I went down there on Monday and saw she was out when in reality I filled them for two weeks which would have been to this past Thursday.
When I asked him about this he said she got into the pills but wasnt sure exactly what happened and he knew I would be down on monday to fill them(which i wasnt planning on going down so that was not correct, which shows that he isn't paying attention to her or her meds!)
I know this sounds like I just dislike him but it's not the case, she deserves better than this!
We would get more help but since she pays all of the bills... we cant afford more in home care unless she moves to a smaller house. We dont want to deplete her savings bc we know she will need long term care in the future!
As I said before, the list goes on and on.
It's hard to relax and let him handle things when he has had 2 years to step up and hasnt.