How can we help our mom accept live-in care for both parents?

Since she also has memory issues, she probably doesn't remember explanations. Better to try a therapeutic "fib" as in " the staff/helper is primarily for Dad, but can assist you when you need some help as in..."

Tell her everyone had help in the past before income tax was instituted and call the person her personal assistant. Have her make a list of things she doesn't want to be responsible for anymore. Add up what it would cost to have individual help for various tasks that a live-in person could provide. Example: shopping service, transportation service, medical alert buttons, cleaning service etc. Make sure they have the privacy they need from the live-in help. A separate place to veg. out, two places to watch TV. People had others live with them for years, calling them boarders...offering room and board for services. It is hard to give up privacy, however. Finding the right "fit" is hard, even for daily workers. I know...I'm trying to make room for these helpers in my marriage/home after 57 years together.

JTGetty: Alzheimer's disease does not allow the person(s) to have a logical thought process. Perhaps your parents each require managed care facility living.

Be sure that you have all POA papers in order.
Affirm your mother's grief about the needed changes and, affirm that these changes are for their safety. Keep the conversation short, then move on to another topic or leave if she refuses to be redirected.
If she is cognitively a/ o to understand, you can also share with her some alternatives such as being placed in a facility or having to call APS ( adult protective services) to visit the home due to unsafe conditions; And, any other alternatives you want to add.
Take care of yourself, continue to get help as needed. And, be prepared to make other necessary changes as time goes by without feeling guilty.

They won't accept, they're beyond reasoning. Dad has Alzheimer's and most likely mom does too.

Try meds for mom and start looking for a facility where they can have fun and have their needs attended to around the clock. The home care thing is difficult on everyone and in most cases unsustainable. I know because I managed it for both my parents, and it went on over five years.

Depending how old your parents are, this home care struggle and management could go on for many more years. You'll be tearing your hair out before it's over.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I hope you find clarity and comfort.

JTGetty,

Who is doing the driving for them? That was how we finally got my mom to agree to some help in their home. If they can't drive, how do they get groceries? Can they use a computer to order online? Are they paying their bills? Are you doing all the extra's (shopping, doctor's visits) and if you are, try telling them you can't do it all anymore.

We had to report both my parents to DMV for a road test. My dad failed, my mom did not show up for her appointment. She lost her license due to her failure to appear. Once neither had a license to drive, things went downhill fast. I say this but I will also say, my mom continued to drive for 9 months with no license. We could not get her to understand that any accident could cause them to lose everything they had. We were lucky, she did not get into an accident and finally when her eyesight got really poor, she stopped. Then we got a taxi service but he turned out to be a nightmare. I believe that my parents were scared to lose their independence so they refused help. When my sister and I (we both live out of state) could not do all the things they required to live independently, they finally gave in and agreed to part time help. I will state that even though they did this, it was still a challenge. My mom did not like the women we found and just finding good help is REALLY hard. It is especially hard if you need a lot of hours of help. It is VERY expensive. I would try reaching out to an agency in their area and interviewing the company and ultimately the proposed caregiver. Good luck, it's a hard road.

They are in a nursing home now. Mom its unhappy, dad is ok. It never ends, they both got Covid the first month there and ended up in the hospital. Mom has been released, dad is still there. Life is so hard sometimes but remember, we are all going through something.

I let my Mom help interview prospective caregivers. That way she could pick someone she liked. I just made sure they had good qualifications before we met them.

Might be time for them to move into a home, this cannot continue as they are both impaired.

Home care is very expensive and the turn over is high. AL or MC would less expensive. Their house can be sold and use that money to pay for their housing.

Your mother would not have to cook, clean or have the day to day burden of doing everything in the house.

Edith and her hubby had a nice house. They too had a caretaker. Well, the caretaker decided he got hurt on the job, and sued this really nice couple out of house and home, literally. Their daughter had to put them in a home. They lost everything. In a way, they had more people looking after them, the 6 pack,, 6 residents and 2 caretakers in a homelike environment. I am so blessed to have known Edith and her hubby. Not happy I met them because they got scammed. Hubby passed away about a year after they moved in. Edith was such a wonderful person. I cannot believe that someone would sue them out of house and home, well, actually it happens more often than not.

So do make sure you have plenty of home insurance and the sort for someone who comes in to take care of your parents..I think the person did work for a company, but they saw money in the house, I suppose, and went after this old couple's funds, and they don't have enough insurance that they were suing for...

COVER YOUR/THEIR ASS-ETS.

Some insurance is called an umbrella clause (?) just make sure you have enough insurance. I personal thought..

Please, everyone, I know, not everyone out there is like that... but it only takes one..

What bothers Mom most?

Pride that she can still do all the housework? Perceived loss of control? Fear of change?

Aim to make home help services be like a GIFT. Extra. More hands to help her, to help Dad. (Rather than taking chores or tasks AWAY from her).

The 'House-Helper' is coming to do the HEAVIER tasks for you, mopping etc. (In reality they will attempt to do as asigned & discussed with you).

The House-Helper will do things YOUR your way - if they can.

The House-Help person may be very nice. It can be a TRIAL. Just see how it goes.

I've heard every excuse from my MIL. So far home help not needed as needs are still within family limits. But oh yes, that will be a battle!

Sometimes the truth works: More help at home helps you STAY at home longer. This would be for your practical matter of fact person, who can reason well. Otherwise softer stragegies & therapeutic fibs may be needed.

How long has the live-in been there? Did they have caregivers before this? Either way, it's a big adjustment. My mom with dementia did not think she need caregivers at home either but as she got to know and like them, things were fine. Still complained about her "babysitters" but I just let it go in one ear and out the other.

The caregivers were for ME. I needed to do other things that did not involve caring for someone with dementia. I needed to go out to dinner with my hubby, alone. I'm not sure what you should say to your mom to try to calm her down. If it's very new, it's going to take her a bit to adjust. Think of some vague reason why the live-in is there and tell your mom the same thing over and over. Maybe it will sink in and she'll become more accepting. You could ask her is she'd prefer that they move into a nursing home? If not, then chill out! LOL. But those are her choices.

If her agitation does not calm down soon, I would talk to her doctor and see if a med could help her relax a bit.

Best of luck.

JTGetty, welcome!

It sounds like mom is past reasoning about anything.

Are you sure she too doesn't have dementia or some other cognitive decline going on?