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It became apparent that she needed 24-7 care in the last 6 weeks. She would not move into our home. We had 2 daytime caregivers, but weekend and night time care was difficult to find. Now that we have moved her she is angry and very disoriented about where she is and doesn't know what decade she is living in. They tell me she will calm down. She has been there for a week and still not showered, even with myself or daughter, or one of her former caregivers, with whom she is comfortable. I feel so sorry for her and a bit guilty too. What to do?

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I agree. While this is hard to watch, a week isn't nearly enough time. This big adjustment of a move plus getting used to strange surroundings and different people will have to happen before the positive moves forward can happen. Slipping back, such as not showering, is very common.

When you visit, make certain that you don't inadvertently give off vibes that you are worried about her or that you feel guilty. Stay positive and encouraging. Tell her that you know that any move is hard but there's so much positive here for her safety and even the chance to have a lot more fun, once she adjusts, that going through the adjustment is worth it. Comfort her but always stay positive.

I know this for you, too, but it sounds as if you made the right move. Hang in. This should work out fine.
Carol
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My step mom moved to assisted living a month ago for precisely the reasons you described above. In regards to adjustment this is what I've done:
1. Tried to meet and greet her caregivers and staff so they know me by sight and who Mom is.
2. Explore the facility. She is fortunate she has a lovely view of the courtyard from her window. If weather permits we always visit outside. She is on a walker and also uses a wheelchair.
3. She has a cell phone so I try to call at least every other day.
4. I keep her church in the loop that she is there and she has gotten many visitors.
5. I stay positive when I visit. Show her pictures on my iPad of the outside world, family etc

After a month, not sure she had adjusted....(she wants to be at home)...but she does know the routine of the place.
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It took my mother two months and a visit to a geriatric psychitrist to adjust. The Psy did a medication overhaul, put her on some things to reduce her anxiety and improve her general disposition. I wouldn't go so far as say my mom is happy about being there but she did begin participating in activities and has even stated that she is where she knows she needs to be. So no, a week isn't near long enough to gage acceptance but if she's still having trouble adjusting after a couple of months you might see about medication that could help her anxiety/depression/anger etc. Stay positive and try to determine for yourself the difference between feeling guilty and feeling badly for her.
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When my mother went to assisted living, we transferred her home telephone to her room at the AFL so she wouldn't miss any calls from friends and relatives, transferred her newspaper subscriptions, took in family photos and some of her favorite mementos, her favorite chair and lamp, etc. It all helped. She was fairly alert and understood what was happening --- an accident put her there --- so it wasn't as hard as it could have been.
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I think a week is not a long enough time for your mom to become acclimated to her new surroundings. She needs more time.

Make this time all about support and comfort for your mom. How scary would it be if we woke up one day and didn't know where we were? Or our loved ones were telling us that it's 2016 and not 1993? I think I'd be very frustrated and angry and disoriented too.

Give your mom some more time. Reassure her and comfort her.
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The usual advice is not to visit new residents for a month so they can get used to new people, surroundings and routines.
I also think a little and I mean little mild sedation may be appropriate wile she settles down.
I too would be angry and agitated to have been ripped out of my home, deprived of my belongings and at the mercy of strangers. Would I adjust, I really don't know. i am one of those people who does not want to be shut up with a lot of other old people.
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