How can we have a life?

Until you begin to tour some places and see the possibilities, this is all just anxiety in your head right now. I think it sounds like a great idea for you and husband to move forward with your own plans. And if your mother is against moving abroad, and has stated that she'd prefer to move into a facility in the community that she's known all her life, then that's useful information to have. Start checking out places with your mother, and see how that goes.

One thing that many elder fear about moving to another country is the medical care. Depending on what country you will be moving to, that country could have better care then the States or limited care.

I can understand why your Mom wants to go back East to be in a nursing home in her old home town.... there probably would be friends she knows that are living in the same place. It's something to think about.

If you agree to move your mom into a nursing home, as she has suggested, chances are she's not going to be happy there either. You said she's been depressed since her husband died. Wherever your mom ends up she will bring her depression with her whether it's to a nursing home or with you when you move.

Since your mom has dementia she is unable to make decisions on her own and you must make those decisions for her. What do you feel is best for your mom? I can certainly understand why your husband would like the opportunity to travel and spend time with you but I also see your side in that you don't want your mom thousands of miles away where you can't check on her.

What about a compromise? Move your mom with you but place her in a nursing home close to you. That way you and your husband get your time together and your mom gets what she says she wants. But be prepared for your mom to be unhappy wherever she ends up.

Throw her into a home back east! Seems to me they are never happy so where does it matter? You have to think of your future too is that so wrong? She will moan no matter where she is! Would she really prefer a home than living with you i doubt it?

If your Mother desires not to move with you and desires to go into a nurcing home why fight it?I'm amazed to hear your Mother wants to go into a nurcing home.Who in the world wants that!...
Here is your chance to enjoy your retirement.I would jump on that chance to put her in a nurcing home.Why?Because,she is willing to go.

Thanks everyone. Mom does not really want to go into a nursing home, she has told me every night before bed for 3 years she'd rather die than go into a nursing home and she hopes I would never "put" her into one of those places. So saying she would rather go back East to a nursing home is just another comment to make me not move. Besides she is 90 and all but 1 of her friends is still alive and that friend is homebound as well, so mom forgets that there is no one there who she could visit or visit her. She didn't even want to move here with me after dad died, but she kept falling and was still driving in ice/snow so I thought it best to have her with me. She was not happy about it then either. Husband and I are going to our retirement home in Oct for 3 weeks to talk to and visit nursing homes down there, we have friends who have given us names of great places. (mom will be going to assisted living respite while we are gone, which she doesn't know about yet and will NOT be happy about and I will hear about how horrible it was for 6 months after I return!!) I do think moving and placing her in an assisted living/nursing home down there might be an answer, as I can visit her, but she will still be extremely mad and depressed and will I be able to enjoy my new retired life, probably not

Engage her in the decision. If she wants to go back east to her hometown, let her, friends or not...won't matter because it will be her decision and besides, even if she sits around, likely she will meet others who share her memories of the town, mutual friends, favorite spots, recognizable accents, etc giving her comfort.

It's okay. Time for you and husband to make life for yourself and enjoy your retirement. You may return home sometime, but don't wait. Go while you are both able to enjoy. Things can happen in a heartbeat to either one of you making travel abroad impossible--so go now and no regrets.

Hey freqflyer we don't have an accent in Boston! Lol

While a retirement home out of country may be you and your husbands dream it is not mom's. She is likely asking for the nursing home to guilt you, but you need to seriously consider the option. Moving an elder to a foreign country/ culture against their will is not any "nicer" than a good nursing home. If you take her with you she will make you regret it.

Thanks everyone. Mom is just not happy with her loss of independence, loss of friends, home and husband. She doesn't read or watch TV, just sits and wants me to talk to her all the time. She is critical as she has been all her life and being an only I was the receiver of her criticism and still am. I empathize with her loss of "life as she knew it" but I have been flying cross country on and off for 12 years of my 21 year marriage to help she and dad through many surgeries and recoveries and now I want to enjoy my life before its too late. Husband and I have decided after we visit our retirement home in October and visit nursing homes and in home health care providers, we will try to arrange our move for next Spring, barring any emergency falls or incidents with mom. I want to start off with her living with us with in home care a few hours a day, as I have shoulder problems and husband has back and knee problems. Then once we settle into the house, we will consider transfer to nursing home in our retirement town, there are many nice ones. I realize she will be mad, and unhappy and critical the rest of her life and I will listen to it and need to deal with it the rest of her life. So, unhappy and mad here or unhappy and mad in our retirement country, at least husband and I will be living where we will spend the rest of our days. I love this site, it really helps me stay sane and reminds me that we all go through this with aging parents and as long as we take good care of them (not necessarily in our own home) we are doing our best as I hope my "only son" will do for me in the future