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We want to move to our retirement home in other country and mom keeps saying she hopes she dies before we move her again. Moved mom from East into our home in Southwest after dad died 3 yrs ago (I'm only child) and mom needs help 24X7. We now want to move out of country to our retirement home but mom says "I hope I die before you move me again" and "I won't move again, just throw me in nursing home back East" etc. etc. Husband has been great for 3 yrs, now wants us to enjoy our retirement home and meet new friends. I won't put her 4000 miles away in nursing home, want to move her into our retirement house with us. She doesn't want to go, is depressed past 3 yrs, just wants her life back, same town for 88 years, same house for 60 years, married 67 years. I fear if we move her, she will be worse and more depressed than she is now and we won't be able to enjoy our retirement. Husband has been so helpful/great, but now wants a life with me as we age ourselves. Caught between them both. What to do?

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Chicago, I've got the same thing. As soon as I visit mom, she gets totally dependent on me. I appreciate doing things for her, but then I leave and she has to do for herself which is getting harder and harder. She absolutely refuses help from anyone else so I feel the burden and guilt of leaving her to her own devices. I've hired help and then stayed while they were there thinking she would get acquainted but as soon as I leave she quits the service. It's so frustrating. She hires the lawn mowers because that she can't do and she can't wait around for me between visits. But they aren't in the house with her.
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OK. Now, I know more about you and your husband. I want you to consider what happens to your mom, if she outlives you. My mother's harping helped lead to my sister's early demise. She was not healthy to begin with. Fast forward 18 months and Mother is healthy as a horse.

I am thinking that your mom must have the money to live where she wants, or you wouldn't have the funds to put her in 24/7 care in Mexico. Even if you place her close to you, you may find yourself there morning, noon, and night.

My mother was fine in IL. until I arrived to visit, within 3 days she was totally dependent on me, instead of the staff. Things just seem to be better for her, if I am not there.

Good luck and enjoy Mexico. I am in Tucson.
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mzmeow, You have been an over the top daughter in your parents time of need. Now is the time for you and your hubby. He needs you too. If mom is in a lovely care facility near you, it's a win/win. You know going back east really isn't an option. That needs to be taken out of the mix.
How about a talk with the Dr. about an antidepressant. Mom is feeling useless at this time and isn't making sound decisions. You will have a better grasp of the situation after the trip in October. Go and love every minute of it.
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We have spent time in Lake Chapala and the NH caretakers all speak English and the Mexican culture reveres their elders and take better care of them than in most US homes. We already live in New Mexico, where most locals speak Spanish and we love the culture here. The respect young people have for their grandparents and elderly people in general is of total love and caring. A friend in Chapala said their mother had to ask them to tell the caregiver to give her more time alone, so she could read. She said they were always in her room asking if she wanted to get wheeled out to patio to watch the birds, if she wanted iced tea, if she wanted snack, if she wanted to sit and chat or listen to music, and she didn't have any time to herself and being a reader she wanted them to give her some space. The owners of a NH near us he is from Texas, a 60 year old former teacher and his wife is an RN and like many business owners in Chapala, they pay the tuition for their caregivers to take the Eng is a Second Language courses at the local high school. I am not concerned about where we are moving any more than if we moved from MA to FL to retire like millions do, its not knowing if I should keep mom at home with us where we can't have our independence to go out to dinner or just stroll the lake, or have her live near me in a NH. But I appreciate all your input and think when we go in Oct. and actually have 3 weeks for husband and I to reconnect, we will have decisions to make for our move in the spring and hopefully all 3 of us can learn to live with whatever we decide.
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I never recommend moving an elderly relative away from where she is comfortable. We learned the hard way when My father in law moved his mother from IL to AZ. She had to be returned to IL, within the week. She was so confused in a new place and climate. Being in a familiar landscape was better for her.

My Mother is very healthy and happy, at age 95, in the nursing home. But, she is in the town that we all grew up in. There are no relatives there, but she knows everyone.

Your mom does need a say so in where she is living, even if that is far from you.
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Your neighbors may speak English, even the doctors likeLY speak English, but the workers in the nursing home you are considering for mom likely do not speak English. Will she be sat in front of a TV playing a telenovela mid afternoon? The customs and foods will also be different ....even in an Anglo retirement community. Mom is too old to adapt to a new culture....sorry I think she will be miserable and eventually, so will you.

A NH is a NH, instead of one in the NE, maybe consider one in a neighboring state where you can visit once a month or so? Keep her in the USA.
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We are moving to Lake Chapala Mexico, an expat retirement community of about 8,000 Canadian and US expats. Fabulous hospitals in Guadalajara, 35 miles away, and lots of clinics and mini hospitals in town and although Spanish is the primary language of the local residents, because of the long time expat population, you don't even need to know Spanish, everyone speaks English. And, FYI, I am from Massachusetts (down near the Connecticut border) so I don't have any accent, maybe I'll develop a Spanish accent when we move LOL
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Assa thats not quite true........yee all have an irish accent!!
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Hey freqflyer we don't have an accent in Boston! Lol
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mzmeow2004, when you are moving, is English the country's first or second language.... is there a prominent accent? I know when we are younger we can pick up on the accent to understand others. Plus with cities being so diversified, our work environment had people from around the world with fascinating accents :)

My Mom was born and raised, got married and lived 20 some years in the New England states but when we moved to the south she had a terrible time understanding a southern accent.... even a Boston or a thick NYC accent would confuse her, too.

Hopefully the country has an easy to hear English accent.... I know if I was much older I couldn't imagine trying to talk to a doctor who couldn't quite understand me, or me understanding him/her.
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Thanks everyone. Mom is just not happy with her loss of independence, loss of friends, home and husband. She doesn't read or watch TV, just sits and wants me to talk to her all the time. She is critical as she has been all her life and being an only I was the receiver of her criticism and still am. I empathize with her loss of "life as she knew it" but I have been flying cross country on and off for 12 years of my 21 year marriage to help she and dad through many surgeries and recoveries and now I want to enjoy my life before its too late. Husband and I have decided after we visit our retirement home in October and visit nursing homes and in home health care providers, we will try to arrange our move for next Spring, barring any emergency falls or incidents with mom. I want to start off with her living with us with in home care a few hours a day, as I have shoulder problems and husband has back and knee problems. Then once we settle into the house, we will consider transfer to nursing home in our retirement town, there are many nice ones. I realize she will be mad, and unhappy and critical the rest of her life and I will listen to it and need to deal with it the rest of her life. So, unhappy and mad here or unhappy and mad in our retirement country, at least husband and I will be living where we will spend the rest of our days. I love this site, it really helps me stay sane and reminds me that we all go through this with aging parents and as long as we take good care of them (not necessarily in our own home) we are doing our best as I hope my "only son" will do for me in the future
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Engage her in the decision. If she wants to go back east to her hometown, let her, friends or not...won't matter because it will be her decision and besides, even if she sits around, likely she will meet others who share her memories of the town, mutual friends, favorite spots, recognizable accents, etc giving her comfort.

It's okay. Time for you and husband to make life for yourself and enjoy your retirement. You may return home sometime, but don't wait. Go while you are both able to enjoy. Things can happen in a heartbeat to either one of you making travel abroad impossible--so go now and no regrets.
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Throw her into a home back east! Seems to me they are never happy so where does it matter? You have to think of your future too is that so wrong? She will moan no matter where she is! Would she really prefer a home than living with you i doubt it?
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While a retirement home out of country may be you and your husbands dream it is not mom's. She is likely asking for the nursing home to guilt you, but you need to seriously consider the option. Moving an elder to a foreign country/ culture against their will is not any "nicer" than a good nursing home. If you take her with you she will make you regret it.
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Do you have anyone locally who would be in contact with her regularly in a nursing home? Someone mentioned hiring a geriatric case manager. I can't imagine dealing with everything from many miles away, without local support.

I think your idea about moving her with you and finding a place where you will be living makes the most sense. Would language be an issue for her?
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I believe my parents generation [80 and 90 something] believe that a nursing home is some dark dank place with unfriendly places. And, of course, if there was an investigation in the news regarding one nursing home, then one would think ALL places were the same.

Not long ago I went around to some of the assistant living facilities in my area, they were so nice that I wanted to sign up for myself :)
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If she'll be somewhere distant from you, consider hiring a geriatric care manager to be the point person close by.
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Thanks everyone. Mom does not really want to go into a nursing home, she has told me every night before bed for 3 years she'd rather die than go into a nursing home and she hopes I would never "put" her into one of those places. So saying she would rather go back East to a nursing home is just another comment to make me not move. Besides she is 90 and all but 1 of her friends is still alive and that friend is homebound as well, so mom forgets that there is no one there who she could visit or visit her. She didn't even want to move here with me after dad died, but she kept falling and was still driving in ice/snow so I thought it best to have her with me. She was not happy about it then either. Husband and I are going to our retirement home in Oct for 3 weeks to talk to and visit nursing homes down there, we have friends who have given us names of great places. (mom will be going to assisted living respite while we are gone, which she doesn't know about yet and will NOT be happy about and I will hear about how horrible it was for 6 months after I return!!) I do think moving and placing her in an assisted living/nursing home down there might be an answer, as I can visit her, but she will still be extremely mad and depressed and will I be able to enjoy my new retired life, probably not
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Until you begin to tour some places and see the possibilities, this is all just anxiety in your head right now. I think it sounds like a great idea for you and husband to move forward with your own plans. And if your mother is against moving abroad, and has stated that she'd prefer to move into a facility in the community that she's known all her life, then that's useful information to have. Start checking out places with your mother, and see how that goes.
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If you agree to move your mom into a nursing home, as she has suggested, chances are she's not going to be happy there either. You said she's been depressed since her husband died. Wherever your mom ends up she will bring her depression with her whether it's to a nursing home or with you when you move.

Since your mom has dementia she is unable to make decisions on her own and you must make those decisions for her. What do you feel is best for your mom? I can certainly understand why your husband would like the opportunity to travel and spend time with you but I also see your side in that you don't want your mom thousands of miles away where you can't check on her.

What about a compromise? Move your mom with you but place her in a nursing home close to you. That way you and your husband get your time together and your mom gets what she says she wants. But be prepared for your mom to be unhappy wherever she ends up.
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One thing that many elder fear about moving to another country is the medical care. Depending on what country you will be moving to, that country could have better care then the States or limited care.

I can understand why your Mom wants to go back East to be in a nursing home in her old home town.... there probably would be friends she knows that are living in the same place. It's something to think about.
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If your Mother desires not to move with you and desires to go into a nurcing home why fight it?I'm amazed to hear your Mother wants to go into a nurcing home.Who in the world wants that!...
Here is your chance to enjoy your retirement.I would jump on that chance to put her in a nurcing home.Why?Because,she is willing to go.
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