How can we have a life?

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We want to move to our retirement home in other country and mom keeps saying she hopes she dies before we move her again. Moved mom from East into our home in Southwest after dad died 3 yrs ago (I'm only child) and mom needs help 24X7. We now want to move out of country to our retirement home but mom says "I hope I die before you move me again" and "I won't move again, just throw me in nursing home back East" etc. etc. Husband has been great for 3 yrs, now wants us to enjoy our retirement home and meet new friends. I won't put her 4000 miles away in nursing home, want to move her into our retirement house with us. She doesn't want to go, is depressed past 3 yrs, just wants her life back, same town for 88 years, same house for 60 years, married 67 years. I fear if we move her, she will be worse and more depressed than she is now and we won't be able to enjoy our retirement. Husband has been so helpful/great, but now wants a life with me as we age ourselves. Caught between them both. What to do?

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Chicago, I've got the same thing. As soon as I visit mom, she gets totally dependent on me. I appreciate doing things for her, but then I leave and she has to do for herself which is getting harder and harder. She absolutely refuses help from anyone else so I feel the burden and guilt of leaving her to her own devices. I've hired help and then stayed while they were there thinking she would get acquainted but as soon as I leave she quits the service. It's so frustrating. She hires the lawn mowers because that she can't do and she can't wait around for me between visits. But they aren't in the house with her.
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OK. Now, I know more about you and your husband. I want you to consider what happens to your mom, if she outlives you. My mother's harping helped lead to my sister's early demise. She was not healthy to begin with. Fast forward 18 months and Mother is healthy as a horse.

I am thinking that your mom must have the money to live where she wants, or you wouldn't have the funds to put her in 24/7 care in Mexico. Even if you place her close to you, you may find yourself there morning, noon, and night.

My mother was fine in IL. until I arrived to visit, within 3 days she was totally dependent on me, instead of the staff. Things just seem to be better for her, if I am not there.

Good luck and enjoy Mexico. I am in Tucson.
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mzmeow, You have been an over the top daughter in your parents time of need. Now is the time for you and your hubby. He needs you too. If mom is in a lovely care facility near you, it's a win/win. You know going back east really isn't an option. That needs to be taken out of the mix.
How about a talk with the Dr. about an antidepressant. Mom is feeling useless at this time and isn't making sound decisions. You will have a better grasp of the situation after the trip in October. Go and love every minute of it.
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We have spent time in Lake Chapala and the NH caretakers all speak English and the Mexican culture reveres their elders and take better care of them than in most US homes. We already live in New Mexico, where most locals speak Spanish and we love the culture here. The respect young people have for their grandparents and elderly people in general is of total love and caring. A friend in Chapala said their mother had to ask them to tell the caregiver to give her more time alone, so she could read. She said they were always in her room asking if she wanted to get wheeled out to patio to watch the birds, if she wanted iced tea, if she wanted snack, if she wanted to sit and chat or listen to music, and she didn't have any time to herself and being a reader she wanted them to give her some space. The owners of a NH near us he is from Texas, a 60 year old former teacher and his wife is an RN and like many business owners in Chapala, they pay the tuition for their caregivers to take the Eng is a Second Language courses at the local high school. I am not concerned about where we are moving any more than if we moved from MA to FL to retire like millions do, its not knowing if I should keep mom at home with us where we can't have our independence to go out to dinner or just stroll the lake, or have her live near me in a NH. But I appreciate all your input and think when we go in Oct. and actually have 3 weeks for husband and I to reconnect, we will have decisions to make for our move in the spring and hopefully all 3 of us can learn to live with whatever we decide.
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I never recommend moving an elderly relative away from where she is comfortable. We learned the hard way when My father in law moved his mother from IL to AZ. She had to be returned to IL, within the week. She was so confused in a new place and climate. Being in a familiar landscape was better for her.

My Mother is very healthy and happy, at age 95, in the nursing home. But, she is in the town that we all grew up in. There are no relatives there, but she knows everyone.

Your mom does need a say so in where she is living, even if that is far from you.
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Your neighbors may speak English, even the doctors likeLY speak English, but the workers in the nursing home you are considering for mom likely do not speak English. Will she be sat in front of a TV playing a telenovela mid afternoon? The customs and foods will also be different ....even in an Anglo retirement community. Mom is too old to adapt to a new culture....sorry I think she will be miserable and eventually, so will you.

A NH is a NH, instead of one in the NE, maybe consider one in a neighboring state where you can visit once a month or so? Keep her in the USA.
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We are moving to Lake Chapala Mexico, an expat retirement community of about 8,000 Canadian and US expats. Fabulous hospitals in Guadalajara, 35 miles away, and lots of clinics and mini hospitals in town and although Spanish is the primary language of the local residents, because of the long time expat population, you don't even need to know Spanish, everyone speaks English. And, FYI, I am from Massachusetts (down near the Connecticut border) so I don't have any accent, maybe I'll develop a Spanish accent when we move LOL
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Assa thats not quite true........yee all have an irish accent!!
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Hey freqflyer we don't have an accent in Boston! Lol
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mzmeow2004, when you are moving, is English the country's first or second language.... is there a prominent accent? I know when we are younger we can pick up on the accent to understand others. Plus with cities being so diversified, our work environment had people from around the world with fascinating accents :)

My Mom was born and raised, got married and lived 20 some years in the New England states but when we moved to the south she had a terrible time understanding a southern accent.... even a Boston or a thick NYC accent would confuse her, too.

Hopefully the country has an easy to hear English accent.... I know if I was much older I couldn't imagine trying to talk to a doctor who couldn't quite understand me, or me understanding him/her.
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