My Mom died before Christmas & her memorial service is in a few days. I am providing the eulogy. Mom was very harsh, mean, & impatient when we (2 of us) were kids. We always felt like she hated that she had kids & would have given anything if we weren't around. At times she showed much more affection to other children.
As we grew older, she mellowed quite a bit, but this behavior left its mark on us. I read sample eulogies written by daughters about their mothers, but I just can't bring myself to write the loving things that they do. I have written about her background growing up in a large farm family & included some anecdotes of some amusing things that happened as we were growing up. I feel like I need to add more, but loving thoughts will not come. Any suggestions?
Thanks to all the contributors to this forum. I have learned a lot about dealing with frail, but difficult parents. Dealing with Mom's decline & dementia was made easier by reading about others' issues; what worked & what didn't. And I will continue to follow as now I have my dad to monitor!
I'm the proverbial "middle child". I was ignored having the older sister who was the apple of Dad's/Grandma's eye(s). Grandma called her China doll. She got everything from Grandma. Little sister "Piggy" (hair always in pig tails) and treated as the "baby". Then the caboose! Yep, Mom/Dad finally got the one to carry the family jewels. ME, well I had the braces, eyeglasses (cat eye frames which are so popular now), everyone constantly made fun of me; even our Dad! I was the 1 who got all the SPECIAL CHORES like scrubbing the shower with a toothbrush, yes a toothbrush gotta get that grout clean (Dad had been in Navy).
Anyway, without knowing what was wrong with me I would cry myself to sleep, very long walks and praying, why me Lord? My Dad still doesn't care for me as a person, but loves me because I'm his kid (truth, he told me when he divorced Mom).
Your Mother's attitude toward her children really isn't the topic of a eulogy. Talk with family members who knew her when, perhaps she experienced the same from her Mother. My Mother always told us girls that we were vain as teens as we constantly curled our hair, took care of our complexions BECAUSE her Mother always did the same and she was told she would never be beautiful. Mom transferred that on us, mostly on me. I never felt good enough for anyone or anything. Guess what? My crying, praying, lack of self esteem = depression/bi-polar thanks to my parents. I did everything opposite for our daughter and we have a wonderful daughter. May not have a model's body, but she is beautiful and FANTASTIC sense of humor. Her cousins followed their Mothers life style...drugs, pregnant or got someone pregnant.
Anyway what I'm trying to say is, don't be like your Mom. Look deep into your heart to see the good times, maybe few but they are there.
I wrote a letter years ago to Mom for her birthday. I itemized everything that she DID DO to make me feel special. The best was after both sisters became pregnant in HS, Mom took me aside and told me she always knew I would never be a problem child. I was too concerned about everybody else. That I had always from when I was born, her favorite. Mom is now in a group home and leaving the 6th stage, entering the 7th stage of Alzheimer's. My siblings (I live out of State) never let me know of Mom's condition nor take her to the Dr as she should have. "They" finally decided I needed to care for Mom. Well, I had to go through things at the house and I found THAT letter. I read it after all these years and I have my eulogy for her. I found 3 decades of cards sent to her. I am going to place them in piles, send to appropriate sibling, choose their favorite to be placed in the casket, each will give a eulogy BASED on their BEST memories of Mom, even the Grandkids.
The spankings, grounding, arguments, disappointments won't matter. What WILL matter is we won't have our Mother any longer.
Always try to think about the best of your Mom and try to put the bad behind the good.
I hope I've helped in some way.
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying...
by Henry Van Dyke
Let us know how the funeral went.
When she passed I did the eulogy and started by addressing the elephant in the room... My mother being a challenge. I said we were going to remember her as she was... Good and difficult. That also helped others to share honestly. Some of the stories shared were priceless and gave us all a chance to laugh, to cry, and to remember both good and bad. So my suggestion is to just be honest.
I didn’t mean to go off on a rant. Thank you again for sharing your experience.
When my BIL's mother died I was agog to hear what he would have to say about her in his eulogy. I adored his mother but I was almost alone in my fondness for her. She was a woman of sharp intelligence who could have been anything if she'd been born fifty years later; as it was circumstances had frustrated her intellect and her ambition, and regrettably her abilities in her older age were often devoted to making life H*ll for those around her. BIL did not make any false claims about her sweetness or loving care. He talked about her interests, her living through key moments in world history and the perspective on these that she'd noted in her diaries, her vividness and wit. What became clear was that he loved her not because of her character as a mother, but in spite of it; and that he had all the same loved her devotedly.
So don't say anything about your mother that isn't true. The people listening will to a greater or lesser extent know what she was like, and quite apart from the fact that the words will stick in your throat you won't be fooling anybody. Have you forgiven her for not being the mother you would have liked to have had? Did you love her for herself? Did the demands she made on you have any positive influence on what you have become? Then say that. Love comes in many flavours. They're not all sweet.
If you have nothing good to say about someone, because the person was not a good person, then why sugar coat things?
I think you did the best you could by focusing on her life, without using words that show her to be a good person or mother. That was likely more than she deserved, if she was a mean and nasty person.
It seems in our society people are taught to only say good things about dead parents, even if they were evil.
I am glad to hear that you followed your own counsel in this matter.
I vowed to never have kids as i saw them to be only a huge burdon. I feel like a farm hand with no paycheck, and was made to feel guilty for being alive. But not by the mother but by the grandmother, whom i wound up caring for when she was dying because no one else could stand her . Rising above her acerbic personality and killing her with kindness was empowering for me.
Because she never related to what she did, For you yourself, consider just forgiveness and think of something that she was as she worked or her thoughts with other children. Make it simple and there were those maybe that cared for her.
She is gone and you want to go on for you and your dad. It is a big job and just know that it is done and ask God to help you with this matter as you go through it.
Live and know that you must go forward and possible get council someone else if you need to. Hospice can help you if you feel you need more healing inside.
My mother and I had a horridly contenscious relationship during parts of my life, but only after she died did I realize how seriously damaged she was by anxiety and ultimately severe agoraphobia.
After becoming a grandmother (and BEGGING ME not to have children), she became the dearest, most functional grandmother a child could ever have had, and also opened herself to me in always that I would not have even remotely expected.
It has been MUCH better for me to forgive who she was during the bad times, and cherish the memories of the cozy loving days of her later years.