MIL only came to visit and take care of some finances and ended up getting sick and admitted to the hospital for a few weeks. It's been 4 months since she arrived and no concrete plan on when she's leaving. Every time I talk to DH, he says 'when the weather gets warmer'. He's planning to eventually take her back (she lives across the country in the NW while we live in the NE) but no date yet. I'm inclined to book the flight so there's an end date in site.
She's a nice old lady with lots of health issues. She has her own house but no one to live with when she goes back. SIL used to live with her but she has her own issues and decided that she doesnt want to take care of her mother anymore so DH is left to care for her. SIL thought MIL can live with us without really consulting us and asking her own mother. MIL still wants to stay in her house but her visits here keeps getting longer... 2 months, 3 months, and now almost 5 months!
I've been with DH for a long time but I dont really have a relationship with MIL. She's a timid, quiet lady who's very nice but I feel that she only tolerates me because i'm married to her son. She cant hear very well either so having a conversation with her is very difficult. Actually, we dont really talk to her. DH doesnt talk to her much either. She mostly stays in her room and only comes out to eat or when my kids go to school and come home from school to say hello then she goes back to her room. I work from home and sometimes DH works remotely too but she tries to avoid me. She doesnt want to come down when she sees me downstairs or dont want to eat in the kitchen when i'm downstairs. She also hides snacks in her room which annoys me...snacks that can go back like apple/oranges.I understand she's older so it's harder for her to shower everyday but her room smells like public bathroom at times and I definitely don't want my house to smell like that.
She's becoming a nuisance in my home and I try to set this feeling aside but her mere presence is starting to really irritate me.
I need to see an end date to help with this anxiety so I may have to just book the tickets for DH to take her back.
MIL needs to have her legal ducks in a row before it's too late. She needs to assign a DPoA for financial and medical so that when inevitably she declines to the point where intervention is 100% necessary someone in the family has the actual legal authority to act on their behalf.
In a perfect world your DH would have a discussion with his Mom and sister about the realities of this situation, and who is willing to do what on an ongoing basis. Unfortunately by what you describe, they don't seem to be this type of family. Therefore, you need to know your boundaries and defend them. This means that MIL living in your home for any length of time is a no-go. But you should also suggest alternatives to support your DH in problem-solving this (and it will move the ball down the field faster if you do since he's stalling). I would loop SIL into a conversation about MIL returning to her NW home, and the reality of needing a lot of help from SIL. Hubs needs to hear what has caused SIL's burnout so that realistic solutions can be agreed upon and created. I don't think anyone needs to wait for MIL's "buy in" because no one can be assumed into caregiving, including your SIL.
Talk about options, like MIL hires in-home aids; MIL assigns your hubs as PoA and agrees to relocate to your area; MIL sells her home are relocates to AL near SIL; etc. Everyone needs to see that the way things stand now is not sustainable and will only create a crisis in the near future. Give a few options to start the discussion and if hubs doesn't act then you will since your boundary is to have your privacy back. I agree that having a hard deadline needs to happen. Just make it reasonable.
I wish you and your husband success in figuring out a solution.
Her behavior seems to indicate some cognitive decline. It isn't normal not to keep clean or to hide perishable food in her room. Both of those behaviors demonstrate that she isn't thinking ahead to the consequences of her actions. That's a big deal because next thing you know, she's putting the cat in the microwave because she doesn't realize what will happen next, like the cat becoming unalive. Also, where is she peeing in her room? In the closet, in the bed, stuffing wet underwear in dresser drawers? Find out the reason her room stinks. No normal person would live in a pee-odorous space.
Tell her doctor of these behaviors. It looks like any cognitive testing will bring a medical recommendation that she can't live alone anymore. Get your ducks in a row. Since you and husband aren't discussing this, keep it to yourself as you gather brochures for possible places both in her town and yours.
You don't have to share the sanctity of your home with someone who creates these problems. Put your foot down and tell H either she goes or you do. This might seem drastic, but if you're not drastic, you face the misery of having her live there until she dies. You know, like "Ma always took care of me and now I'm going to take care of her, so there, and I don't care what YOU think." Remind him he married you, not Ma. Good luck with this horrendous problem. I certainly hope you end up alone with your husband, and soon.
The next time your husband and MIL are home during the day, but the kids are out, maybe during lunch, just ask the question. Pull up the 10 day weather report on your computer or phone, point out when the weather is clear, and tell them you'll book the flights for them. If they say your MIL can't be packed up the quickly, tell them she can pack her things and and you'll take them to the UPS store to ship back to her house.
Find a few home care agencies near MIL's house and make some appointments for the dates that your husband and MIL will be back there. Do any utilities need to be turned back on? Schedule that too. Make any necessary appointments with her doctors back there.
Book a hotel for the first night so they can be comfortable after the long flight and then go the next day to unpack, get groceries, etc.
It the weather doesn't look feasible, schedule this for the Presidents Day weekend. Just make the flights flexible in case of weather.
If they object, bring out some brochures for nearby Assisted Living facilities and dates that you've already book appointments for.
Their choice.
This is your home too. Enough is enough.
Then share your point of view. You want to live with him and the kids and have your house back to yourselves. You have nothing against his mother. But you need him to set a clear deadline for her to move out. That means either back to her own house, or to assisted living. You will help him figure it out.
good luck.
Don't leave this conversation unhad for another moment. Things will only get worse and then she may need Skilled Nursing care instead of AL. Your resentment will grow and it's just not worth it. Be honest with one another, it's long overdue. And it's ok to not want an elder living in your home, too. What's not ok imo is the way your husband has gotten her living with you thru the backdoor.
Best of luck to you.
I do appreciate your insight. It’s making me thing and act sooner than later!