Initially I wrote a much longer version of this question, but I'm scaling it back to the heart of the matter. My mom (70) has suffered from chronic depression and anxiety for much of her life, and has declined to consistently try treatment for either issue, despite encouragement from my dad (76) and my sister and I (32 and 36.) Right now, my mom is very depressed and anxious because of aging and potential health challenges on the horizon. My sister and I are trying to support our mom by urging her to take steps with us to actionable plan for the things we can plan for.
But our mom refuses to work with us in taking these planning steps. Instead, she just vents to us and unloads her anxiety and stress on us. No matter how many times we console her and also remind her that there's still time to plan and avoid outcomes that she fears, it never sinks in. And this has taken a serious toll on our own mental health; having to carry the weight of our mom's mental health challenges. Our dad continues to encourage her to try another modality of treatment, but of course, he's not going to force it.
My sister and I have decided that what we're going to do is take the planning and information-gathering steps that we alone can take; learning household finance practices from our dad, developing our own channel of communication with his doctor (with his blessing), and speaking with a family therapist about how we can support our mom while at the same time drawing boundaries to protect our own mental health. I'd imagine this is a very common predicament and I'd be curious to hear about how others approached the issue.
You and Sister are now going to take steps.
You will see how that goes step by step.
You last wrote us about 6 months ago, I think July of 2024.
The problem here is that acting for or ATTEMPTING to act for uncooperative parents just doesn't seem to work unless they are judged by a court of law to be incompetent and a danger to selves or others. As the law is very loathe to take a citizen's rights to decisions for self, this incompetency often doesn't happen.
I would say, if you have been on Forum at all in the last 6 months you have witnesses the variety of problems and attempts to deal with them, and know that overall it is very difficult to manage for uncooperative parents.
I guess at some point I myself wouldn't try.
At some point "the call" comes where one or both are down or are gone--either a hospital on the line or a coroner. Until then it is more a matter of checking in, helping when, where, why and how they allow you, asking if you can install monitoring advice for their safety so you can check in by phone to make sure they're OK. But there just isn't much you can do.
I often liken this to trying to save a drowning person. Not their fault, but as you approach them to try to help? They often take you down with them instead of being saved.
It's the sad way of things, and apparent all over this Forum. The longer I am here (five years plus) the fewer answers I have to ANYTHING whatsoever.
I also see a counselor regularly who helps me with my boundaries. Because as you know absorbing all of that is so draining. If she does not wish to participate all you can do is what you have outlined and with your own therapist learn some coping skills, boundary setting skills and detach. You can detach and still care. It's self preservation. Am I always in "wise mind" no. But during a blow up yesterday I almost was like just watching a movie. A shi**y movie but nonetheless I was an observer and not an emotional participant.
I wish you the best, it's not easy.
I guess I'm holding onto some hope that I can still play a regular, supportive role in my mom's life. In many ways, she was an amazing mom to my sister and I when we were growing up. But over the last year, I've been spending less time with her for the sake of my own sanity, and I'm coming to terms with the likelihood that this is how it might just have to be.
She decided to take the pills and it made a huge difference.
You may want to tell mother you're backing out of her life until and unless she acknowledges her own issues and gets help for them, once and for all. Dealing with her histrionics and projected illnesses for decades on end has given you compassion fatigue, which is a very real thing, look it up. Let you know when shes chosen to take her own healthcare into her own hands.
The trouble with these women is nobody has ever stood up to them before, for some reason. And they continue being allowed to wreak havoc on many lives as a result.
So just stop already! All it's doing now is causing mental distress for you and your sister.
Your mom has made her choices to not treat her depression and anxiety and it's now time for you, your sister and your dad to make the choice to let her be and get on with living and enjoying your own lives.
And yes, that will more than likely mean limiting your time with your mom if being around her drags you down with her as I can only imagine it would.
No one enjoys being around someone so negative, and I truly feel bad for you dad. Hopefully he has found some healthy outlets to get away from your mom for many hours during the week.
You are NOT responsible for your mom or her happiness, but you are responsible for your own.
I wish you well in setting the much needed boundaries here and with limiting your time with your mom.
It's really sad because our mom was really amazing in a lot of ways, when we were growing up. We'll always love her, and I suppose a part of me is still holding out hope that maybe we can find a way to salvage things. But I don't think that's going to happen until I draw a line in the sand firmly and commit to it.