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I so agree with lealonnie. You can't stop a gossip-monger from doing their thing. My first reaction was HOW DARE they tell you of her complaints. And if complaining is what she does, hey, that's what she does. I hope she doesn't live with you. If she does, consider changing that. Pot stirrers. Drama Queen. I think those below said it all. Tell them when they have something of value to tell you, to contribute to your life, to call you back, otherwise stay off the phone and off your already full plate.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You don't stop a complainer from complaining. It's impossible. And you can't stop a gossip monger from gossiping, or a jealous person from being jealous. What you can do is stop YOURSELF from helping your mother and from speaking to your sisters. That way, you won't know WHAT your mother is gossiping about to them because you won't be involved with ANY of them anymore!

You deal with toxic people like this on YOUR terms. Which means infrequently, for short periods of time, and when the BS meter gets ramped up, you're OUT of there.

You have 7 adult sisters who can now look after your mother and do all the things for her that YOU'VE been doing! That gives you lots more free time and it gives them lots more chores to complain about. And it gives your mother new targets to gossip about.

Sounds like a win-win situation to me!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Your profile says your mother lives in an independent living facility? My suggestion would be, if it’s at all possible, move her to assisted living and take 10 giant steps back! She’s no longer independent and as others said, she’s a pot stirrer. A drama queen. You even say she wasn’t much of a parent to you. So there is really no reason to prop her up and let her pretend she’s still independent while she stabs you in the back! I mean that’s the thanks you get? Not an ounce of appreciation from her, all you get is her complaining about you behind your back? As your last act of kindness, move her to AL, let a village of caregivers take over and move on with your life. If you desire a relationship with your mother, then hopefully it will improve once you are no longer her care giver. Good luck!
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Reply to worriedinCali
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I don't like helping ingrates.

I recommend you withdraw your help. Let your ingrate mother find the help that satisfies her. You can inform the other 7 non-helpers that since mom doesn't like your help, you will now stop. If they think they can do better, then let them step up.
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bundleofjoy Jan 12, 2021
i’m in a quite similar situation.

wishing us all strength and courage!

instead of thanks...screaming, blaming, etc.

i’m finding your words useful for me too, polarbear.

hugs to all of you, on this forum!!
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Disregard my earlier post. I glanced too quickly I suppose and thought your question was the opposite, her talking to you about your siblings. My mom did that too!

Your mom is a pot stirrer. My mom did this too.

Even if you ask her not to speak about you to them, I guarantee that she will still do it.

I hate when parents do this to their children. It causes trouble for everyone.

Tell your mom that you don’t appreciate her complaining about you and that she is welcome to ask any of your siblings to take over your job!

Or just tell her that your caregiver days are over! It’s hard to do. There are a variety of emotions that we go through as caregivers.

I did have to end my caregiving days!

I took care of my mom for many years. Now she is under hospice care with a sibling.

I am relieved not to be under such enormous stress anymore.

You willing feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders if you end your caregiving responsibilities.

Best wishes to you.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 12, 2021
So sick of my auto correct, making incorrect corrections! LOL

I don’t always catch it because I am foolish enough to think my autocorrect is actually smart on my NEW iPhone!

Should read, You will feel the weight of the world lift off of your shoulders.
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Quit doing anything for her. She's in Independant Living. Let her live independently.
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Beatty Jan 12, 2021
Such perfect common sense 🤣
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I like the first paragraph of Beaty’s post. Your responsibilities are to your children and grandson. In your position, i would resign, period. You could write each sister and your mom too, that as of certain date you are no longer involved in the care of your mother. They need to work out a schedule among themselves. And stick to the boundaries you are laying down. Big Sis is now taking care of HER life and family. And you certainly dont have to answer their phone calls or texts! Take care of you!
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Reply to cherokeegrrl54
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"I do everything I can". Tell Mom that. Plus "Hey, I'm doing my best here. If you don't like it Ma'am, tell ME, not them. If we can't work it out, feel free to hire someone else".

What Mom says or thinks is not going to be within your control. But certainly there may be ways to make this better for you.

When & where does the complaining happen?

I don't mean to be rude.. but is Mom a little bit of a Drama Queen? Are the complaints made in front of you? With a little look over to see if you took offence? Or loudly on the phone so you can hear her? If so, let her act her scene (Best attention seeker award goes to...drum-roll...) but remove yourself from her 'theatre'. I mean literally. Leave the room.

Or is this a round & round game of calls, txts, emails bouncing around between the 7 of you? I don't even have brain space for that! 'Triangulation' is a 3 person communication dynamic - 7 is off the chart.
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Reply to Beatty
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You have a full time job with your grandson. Resign.. it doesn’t matter that your sisters drink. Let them all figure it out. You’ve done enough you are the oldest. Let’s say you’ve done the most for just two years. I know it’s probably longer than that. Tell the next oldest That mom is hers to manage for the next two years. step away.
mean it..
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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I hear you, loud and clear!

This is what I started telling my mom. ‘Mom, please speak to them instead of me about them.’

She didn’t like my answer but it shut her up.
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