How can I stop feeling guilty about placing Mum in residential care?
Hi All
My mum is 81 years old and has Lewy body dementia, incontinence, hypertension, and is prone to TIAs. Her mobility is badly affected. She uses a Zimmer frame to move around with a lot of difficulty and hasn’t been out of the house in months because she gets tired of even sitting in a wheel chair. She stays in bed all day sleeping and wakes up just at meal times. She has been living with me for almost 5 years but thinks it has been 2 years. She now struggles with personal care and I help her with showers, changing clothes, everything. I have 3 children under the age of 10, a full time job, and during the week I have no help as husband works away and comes home only at the weekends. I am getting burnt out and don’t think I have time to look after my mum as well as I want to. Husband is getting annoyed with her as they don’t quite get along.
She agreed to go into residential care when I explained how I worry about her when I’m not at home with her. She is moving into a care home today, and when I told her yesterday about the plan, she was shocked that I was taking that drastic step. She has forgotten that she agreed to it 4 weeks ago even though I’ve been packing her bags and getting everything ready. She begged me to let her stay with me for another 2 days. I am shattered and heartbroken. I feel I am abandoning my mum. She is very sad and so am I but I know it’s best for her to be in an environment where she’d be looked after way better than what I am capable of right now. I just can’t stop feeling guilty every time I see her. I know it’s good for her and for my family, but all the memories of my childhood when she looked after me with love and care keep haunting me. Am I really abandoning her by arranging proper care for her?
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Guilt? You are not a felon. Not an evil doer who gets joy in the pain and sorrow of others. Those who SHOULD feel guilt, never do. Guilt assumes that you purposely did something awful and that you can change that.
But grief recognizes that you are a human being, that you have limitations, that this is beyond your capacity, that not everything can be fixed, that is is about loss after loss after loss.
Recognize and embrace the pain. Use the correct G-word, because words truly do matter. Call it grief. This is about grief. Your own and you Mum's. This is about grief. Good people grieve. They also adapt and adjust the best the can and they go on, gently, learning to smile through tears.
Of course Mom is sad. As a nurse I saw people exhausted with it all, all the loss --and they could not be honest with their families to say "This is so hard. This is more loss than I imagined. I feel hopeless and helpless". So they told their nurses. And when they TRIED to tell the family the family had all this false jolly attitude, all this "buck up". Couldn't hear it.
So, listen. Grieve and mourn with your Mom. Hold her hand. Tell her if you were God you could change this, and would in one thunder-clap. If you were the good fairy you would whip your want right out. That you are so sorry. That you will be there, visit, talk, let her talk.
My best out to you. Embrace the heartbreak. But never Mistake yourself for someone who deserves guilt, because those who DO deserve it never feel it at all.
It is very hard! I’m lucky enough to have my children by my side, but still can’t stop thinking about my mum. Grief comes in so many types and phases. I grieve for her everyday as she slips downhill in her dementia. Thank you!
my dad reacted the similarly when going into respite, (he was sleeping all day, only awake to eat, had falls and a poly vagal episode, ended up in hospital for two weeks then respite) said yes was fine then once in told us we’d dumped him. It broke my heart. He kept saying get me home every time I saw him, he has three falls last week and is back in hospital. If he’d have been at home with my mum, I don’t know what would have happened.
as glad and barb said, you’re making sure she has the care she needs, that’s not abandonment. I agree too with barb about grief. It’s hard seeing these changes in our LOs
It is sheer helplessness at seeing her in this state. Thank you for sharing your experience.
For HER safety and your peace of mind, she MUST be in a care center.
Don't feel guilt. You've done nothing wrong. What you are feeling is grief that mom's physical and mental condition is deteriorating.