How can I stop and take care of myself before I implode?

Sunset, I can feel your pain. I’m in the same boat too, being the only child caring for my parent.

What helps me is exactly what you said was lacking — planning. I batch all errands and chores like groceries, cleaning, etc. so that they don’t take too much time. I also set boundaries. Elderly parents can be demanding, wanting to do things NOW. But if it’s not an emergency, stay firm with your schedule so that you can properly manage your time. Let them know when you would be available to do whatever it is they are demanding.

Take time out for at least an hour each week for some alone time. Even if it’s just hanging out in a coffee shop with a book. You need it for your sanity!

I can relate. My Mother is demanding and verbally abusive. She frequently is admitted to the hospital. She is discharhed home and cancels all home care. She has not showered since last November. She can afford to hire help also. She refuses to take the transportation offered her at her senior apartment. Instead she yells at us while driving and insists we drive her to FOUR separate stores just for groceries! She ran me so ragged that I almost started Drinking again (after being clean and sober a long time). I fell apart though and did have some sort of breakdown. I drew the line with Mom and she stopped speaking to me. My brother has taken over all of this (despite working 6 days a week) and he is now physically sick after only 2 months! My point is draw the line with your parents now! I'm sacred for you. I received help from this site, thank God. I'm glad I took advice and did not drink (I have pancreatitis so No more chances). I realize I don't really owe my Mother anything. Please, please take the good advice from those on aging care. I will say a prayer for you. Good luck.

Sunset - I'm so glad you decide to give yourself a break. It's much needed. If they haven't called you, then they are most like getting on OK without you. Take a long needed respite, and when you're ready to call or come back, be ready to set limits. Offer them only as much help as you can afford to give without compromising your health and job and risking car accidents.

We support you.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I especially appreciate those who shared their similar experiences even though they had no answer themselves.

I've had such terrible experiences in the past when attempting to help my parents, that avoiding conflict has been part of how I've been able to cope. I've been appeasing their demands to keep the peace until realizing recently that their needs are increasing and it's just going to get harder going forward.

In the last week or two, I tried a new approach. I've finally been trying to calmly and firmly tell them that they aren't being realistic and that we need to make some changes and citing examples.

I said that I need their cooperation in order to help them. Each time I've seen them I've been stating specific things tried to explain, as simply as possible, without accusation, how they are not seeing reality.

I have pushed my mom to listen and haven't been letting her off the hook when she claims I am making her anxious and she "can't do this now".

I've been trying to ignore their antics when they act ridiculous.

I even asked my stepfather if he really thought I was just asking him to do simple things repeatedly (hundreds of times) just to annoy him. I tried to get him to understand that if he truly thought I had time or energy to just nag about silly things, that I had to question his mental capacity and to please try to understand the reality of the things that I am asking.

That was three days ago. I left without waiting for their reaction or response.

I've not spoken to them since. I'm feeling guilty. I've been trying to give myself a break and not worry. I'm nervous about what could happen next, but too tired to try to control whatever the outcome is.

We are not alone. I´m an only child too, Last year my parents were literally driving me crazy. Their lives were a big caos. Both had difficult illness (cancer mom and dementia dad), they had almost no money, no house to live in, denial of their situation, etc, etc. I quit my job and started fixing their problems. I became depressed. I missed my husband and my children. I missed my life. It has been a year from that experience, I brought them into my home and hired a caregiver. Things have improved a little. But I know I will be needing more and more help as they age. I hope you find the best people to help you on this journey. It´s not possible doing it all alone.

You must seek other options because you're already experiencing burnout. Find out why they haven't planned? And for what? And for how much? Finances? Health-proactive or reactive?

Gracie65- I can totally relate to your feeling depressed and not knowing what to do. That is how I feel so often. All of my Mother's belongings are piled in my living/dining room from her move to Memory Care, then to the Nursing home. Never mind that my sisters both have basements, but I don't and my attic is completely filled with my husband's belongings from his first marriage. I haven't even had the energy to go through things. Plus am having chest discomfort with a high calcium screen and they want to do further tests; my back is so much worse (osteoarthritis), fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue) My Mom is cooperative and kind and that is really a blessing. Wishing I could have her live with me, except knowing that I'm not physically up to it and house is not W/C accessible. = guilt. I also wish there was a support group in my area.

BTW - I am not an only child but you sure do feel like one because nobody wants to be a caretaker but someone has to do it. I do no have any children so I am hoping to die early or move to an Assisted dying state.

Hugs to everyone! I also am an only child caring for my aging father. We lost my mother 2 years ago and even though it was a huge burden caring for both of them, I can tell my Dad has gotten even MORE needy since Mom is gone. When I was out for a week with bronchitis his attitude was like "Well, now what do I do?" I think they lose focus on reality and what it does to you. We need to have the conversation about assisted living not only for my sanity but the socialization, meals, activities would be a Godsend for him too as he's very depressed and just feels lost. And even worse, I'm surrounded in the are by my Mother's relatives who are absolutely worthless. They're all fighting with each other and no one has ever offered me any help whatsoever. When Mom died, I basically did "do-it-yourself" funeral. All the planning, all the music, speakers, arrangements, flowers, thank-yous, etc. The funeral home did nothing except the basics. My health has taken a definite toll (I'm a Type I diabetic) from all of this and every time I have a day off I'm at one of my own doctor appointments. Dad hasn't touched any of Mom's things, so their apt. still needs to be cleaned out, which he thinks is my job and I simply done have the time or energy right now. The Agency on Aging does offer some excellent health, but going there takes time, filling out the paperwork takes time, waiting to hear from Medicaid takes time, all of which I really don't have right now. It's horribly depressing and some days I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not really offering any advice except what you've already heard and I'm not very good about following it myself, but just know, there's lots of us out there in your shoes who "get" it. I wish there was a support group nearby JUST for this type of problem. Maybe by pooling together we could come up with some help.

Wow, I have read such good responses here and just kept reading.... what hope ya'll give! "What has happen to you, and also to me was that we were enabling our parents to keep their lifestyle WHILE WE HAD TO CHANGE OUR OWN. " Yes, I agree, my 93 yr old mom has had her home for over 55 years..... isn't it time for me to enjoy MY house that I bought 3 years ago, and MY job here in a town I love and 3 hours away from her house, so I made the "grand gesture" ha ha of bringing her into my home. But no, she doesn't want to sell hers, so it is sitting there. She keeps trying to wear me down so I will go inhabit there with her. I can't call it living because all there is is she plays her computer card games and/or TV and that's it..... nothing else. I know I am getting older by the minute here (am 64), but I have so many things I want to do for hobbies, maybe even dating again, but couldn't bear "the look" (that look of disapproval with the lip curled), so I have to outwait her.... and at this rate it could easily be another 8 years.

All of you have shared such great ideas. Thanks... it really helps!

Some steps I have taken with the help of my local Office for Aging which has been very helpful:

1. Arranged for Meals on Wheels delivery which is now providing enough food for 2 meals per day 7 days per week. My mom is able to fix a simple breakfast. She is of limited income and there is no cost to her or me for this service.
2. Arranged for a home health care aid to come in 3 times per week for 1 hour to help my mom with bathing, brushing teeth, flossing...hygiene related. Again limited income, and low or no cost.
3. Arranged for a person to come in and clean the house and do laundry once per week for 2 hours. Again limited income, and low or no cost.

In my state, New York, it is less expensive for the government to keep people in their homes versus ending up in a nursing home, so funding is made available to assist with some of these services. The office for aging is the key to unlocking these funds.

I have someone I hire for $10 per hour that can take my mom in her car for activities that she can still do.

I still take my mom to the doctor appointments and dentist so I can get the right information to the doctor/dentist, and hear the right information directly. I also go over several times per week to check on her and things, clean out old food from the refrigerator, take out the garbage, check on her pills. etc. I have a check list I follow every time I visit to ensure I can quickly check on everything.

I have also installed 3 wifi cameras ... so I can look in at any time to evaluate what is going on...one in the kitchen, one in the living room, and one looking out into the backyard/driveway. Leaving privacy for the bathroom, and bedroom. I have learned a lot by looking in that I would have not known otherwise. This has been invaluable. I can look in from my computer or from my phone from anywhere in the world.

If either of your parents are Veterans, there is funding available for them there too.
Just need to talk with a VA counselor. In my area, there is one in the same building as the office for aging.

But as you can see, by using all of these services, I have been able to free up enough time to lead my and my family's life in an almost normal way.

You're not alone, you're an unfortunate member in the caregiving club. Here is my advice:
1) Your most invaluable resource is a Seniors Advocacy; find one in your area. If I had done this years ago, it would have made a world of difference. They are your liaison; they know exactly what to do.

2) Tell your parents you will not be involved until you have Power of Attorney and all the requisite sections under the law to make medical and end of life decisions. Period.

These selfish, soul sucking parents never had to look after their own parents. They emigrated, or their parents died young. (by today's standards) Now we're supposed to let these geriatrics hijack our lives, but god forbid we express an opinion about it. My demented father has robbed me of YEARS of my life that I will never get back; time I should have been devoting to my children and husband. I'm sick of it. It makes one truly wonder what the grand plan is here: Pump old people with life-extending meds (blood pressure/blood thinner pills) until they become demented. Let them die a natural death already. The ONLY entities benefiting from this is Big Pharma and the bloated medical establishment. It's insane and it cannot be supported. They want our parents to bankrupt the next generation; it's a multi billion dollar industry and the losers in all of this is ourselves and our parents. Take care of yourself. Don't let it consume you - contact every agency in your area and be honest. Say, "I need some help."

I just lost my Mom and a year ago my Dad. I moved them down from Massachusetts to Florida two and a half years ago and placed them into an Assisted Living Facility in the town I live in. I thought at that time that the Assisted Living Facility would take care of everything and I could just come and visit them during dining hours. Boy was I wrong. The first Facility I placed them in did not take good care of them and I had to visit daily to make sure they were ok. This place was seriously understaffed and did not have well trained people working there. They also came to evaluate my Mom when she was in the hospital and told me the only way they would accept her back was if I hired a 12 hour a day caretaker. So now I was not only paying the Facility but was also paying for a private caretaker. Then my Dad was hospitalized and they advised me he needed to go to rehab and when his time was up at the rehab they came to evaluate him and advised me he could not come back to their facility. I literally had 3 days to try to figure out where to place him next.

Thank Gid I found a very good Assisted Living Facility for Memory Care in my town called Arbor Terrace and placed him there. I signed a contract there for a companion suite so I could move my Mother there as well.

To make a long story short. If you do place them into Assisted Living, you really need to find out everything about them by asking people that already live there or people whom have left there. You cannot trust the people that work there to tell you the truth. I found out that by law in my state a Memory Care Facility has to have more employees per resident than an Assisted Living Facility.

You also are still very much involved with their care because you and only you are thier Healthcare Advocate. The Employees at these facilities change often and you have to communicate your parents needs to them and then constantly make sure the employees are doing what you requested of them. It's a daily struggle and the more people whom care for your parents the more confusing and time consuming it becomes for you.

If I had to do it all over again I would of placed them in my home with a caretaker. This would of made it much more easier for me to manage. They would be missing out on the daily engagement activities they have at the Assisted Living Faciluties but I found out that most of these places also have a Life enrichment Group run by an independent contractor that takes people that are living at home to the Facility Mom-Fri from 9:00AM-2:00PM which gives you the caretaker a break and keeps your parents engaged with others which is really important as they age.

Many lessons I learned and now that it has come to the end I am very grateful that I had this time with my parents and was able to help them get to eternal life. At the end it just made so much more sense to me that it was all God's plan and part of my journey. At times I was angry, upset and seriously stressed out but now I am at peace with it all.

You just have to take one day at a time and try to find the right people to support you along your way. There is no right or wrong choice. It was the hardest job I ever had but I do not regret it now that they are gone.

I hope that helps you. God Bless You and Your Aging Parents.

Make sure you constantly check thier Med lists especially when they get discharged from the hospital. This is when errors occur because hospital doctors love to change up their meds.

I just wanted to offer (((HUGS))) to you. I know EXACTLY how you feel, as many others on this forum. Without this forum, I probably would have completely given up.

There's silver lining for you, however. Your journey is just starting and I can tell you from personal experience, DO NOT LET THE GUILT SUCK YOU IN. Your intentions are pure and your heart is big. Of course you don't want to see your parents suffer, but make a decision now and stick with it for your own sake.

I have aged seemingly overnight not due to caregiving, but my lack of ability to say "no". Well, I say it. I just don't stick to it.

You're in for a LOOOOOOONG road. Use the great advice here and don't end up so stressed that you don't feel like going on. Trust me. I know.

I can't offer much advice because I'm a complete basket case! I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in your journey. We've all been there. Try to stay as strong as you can!!

I have a hard answer and it is not perfect, but it is time. It is time and putting things in place that will help you in the long run. Same situation as you, but with low income parents. I started this almost 7 years ago. Started with contacting a paid social worker to help me be my advocate for what I was seeing. At the time they had no other services. That did not work really. Then something happen and one went into hospital, now the social workers got involved. I have looked for every service, filled out every paper, went to every appointment, spoke up when they did not, cried a lot, and did it over and over again. It does not end but it does get easier when some services are in place.

Counseling has helped me realize that I can't and should not have to fix everything. We want them to be safe and healthy. They may never realize, even if you tell them, the toll it takes on you. So sometimes you will have to courage to say no, sometimes not, but start to have those hard conversations. You will have them again and again. Try to not feel bad for living your own life. That will work some days and others not. Sorry, no quick answer but really take care of yourself!

Sunset3339 - As much as I hate to say this, welcome to the club! I see myself in many of the responses. Lots of great advice in the group. I am not an only child, but may as well be. Mom is in assisted living, in great health aside from balance issues. Her expectations were that I was there to serve 24/7. I did a lot out of guilt but the final blow came when I was diagnosed with cancer two years ago and she got angry and belligerent when I was unavailable due to surgery and radiation. Mind you, she is in a wonderful assisted living community with lots of caring staff. Two years later and lots of therapy, I am in a different place where I come first.
Please take care of yourself. If you were not there, someone would be there to help them.

Lot's of good and very personal experience/advice here. What I hear in your post is that you need respite, a time out, NOW and I think that is possible. Of course just like everything else when it comes to caring for our elderly a lot depends on the state they are in but there are often several avenues for getting immediate respite for you as the family caregiver. Some may take more set up than others again maybe based on the state but often community living facilities offer a respite or "trial" period in an attempt to sell their facilities to you and your parent. Hospice is another possibility, the requirements vary for hospice it seems but many also have a caregiver respite program where they will take over for a period of time while you get a break. There may be other state programs as well for this and you may have more options depending on your parents needs and living situation. You could reach out to their Primary, your Primary, a social worker if one has been assigned somewhere along the way (and you have their info). Even if no one has a direct line to respite care for you one of your parents primary Care providers (either the one you know/like best or the one caring for the parent with the most medical issues) should be able to have VNA come in to evaluate your parents needs, in CT anyway they care for them for 4-6 weeks while evaluating and then putting in place whatever needs they find can be covered by Medicare/insurance, not necessarily full time care mind you but the most they can justify a need for to insurance. But it also gives them some responsibility for care and safety as well as giving you a breather. If your parents didn't have you this is what would happen and they would/will consider as much or as little assistance from family as available. Now that might mean they recommend a NH sooner than they would if there is family around to help out but that's a bridge and possibly a tool you can cross later. For now something like this if it's the only option (full time somewhere, "a vacation" seems like first choice to me) would at least give you some breathing room to recollect yourself and then perhaps some time to research and map out a plan for where to go next, how to care for them without getting yourself back in this corner again.
You are right, you need to take care of you first and feel like you are standing firmly on 2 feet, then move on to feeling in control of your family time and affairs and then reintroduce your parents affairs and keep them in balance with your life. It has nothing to do with how much or their right to expect things from you and nothing to do with what you are or aren't obligated to do, nothing to do with your feelings of guilt or obligations, the fact is we each get something both positive and negative from caring for our parents just as they get both positives and negatives from us caring for them. That's all emotional and ever evolving stuff, this is about regrouping and starting with getting basic needs under control, yours, your families and then your parents. I get that these things are interconnected and very easily and quickly can get muddied, I;m making sound more simple then it is but if you can work at trying to separate and stick to this idea after getting some time and breathing room to care for yourself emotionally and feel stronger, in control again while starting from the beginning it should help. You will fly through a lot of it because you likely have far more of it set up and under control than it feels like you do at the moment but make sure you take a moment to recognise your accomplishment and pat yourself on the back as you rediscover these things along the way. Actually remember to acknowledge yourself both with credit for your accomplishments and self serving rewards, treats each and every day. Truth is your parents if given the chance and in a place that allowed it would want you to treat yourself, would give you little rewards themselves so you are doing something for them every time time you take care of yourself too.
Get yourself some RESPITE, collect yourself and your energy then reestablish your control over the basics and reestablish from there. I know you can do this. Take care of yourself first and you will be taking care of everyone else too. Hang in, we are all with you! Whatever you need to do to find your positive self again!

Are there any neighbors, friends, etc. that might be able to help out? Church members? I know we live such busy, isolated lives now, morso than in the past and sometimes don't even know our neighbors, so it may not be a possibility. I neglected myself for over 2 yrs. when my Mom was in a Memory "Care" Unit where care was almost non-existent. Literally worried myself sick , besides taking her to all drs appts, dental, dealing with staff (who were practically all unqualified) and also physically worn-out and 2 sisters not helping. How is your parents' health? After a heart attack (which was avoidable), my Mom eventually required a Nursing home. There, "care" has also been lacking and I've had to hire a part-time sitter. (after 2 bad falls which were totally avoidable, PT giving up on her & doing no beside exercises or chair exercises to help balance and staff never brushing her teeth) The whole eldercare system in this country is broken and should be totally revamped. How is your parents' financial situation?. Can they afford to hire any part-time help?. It sounds like you have reached a point of physical and mental exhaustion. That is what happened to me and I'm still there. Even with the part-time help (which takes all of my SS chk), I worry and have guilt which isn't helping my health.

BTW. Others with bratty elders will appreciate the black humor of this. My mother loves to say, "I took care of you" ( a favorite of outsider Pollyanna types too). However, it's been 18 years now and my elder "child" has yet to do the dishes or make her bed.

How well off are your parents? Can they afford to pay someone to come sit with them to give you some time away? Griswold Home Health in our area only has a 4 hour minimum at $15 an hour to get a temporary caregiver. You obviously Love your parents, but will have to do something or you may start having bad feelings towards them if you don't take time for yourself. It doesn't have to be someone sitting with them for complete days, but just a few hour away helped me tremendously. I understand that money may be an issue, so this is just a suggestion

I feel for you sincerely. Do read Freqflyer comment again. And read her (his?) profile. I also am an only child whose mother expected me to change my life so that she didn't have to change one thing in her's. Freqflyer helped me see that clearly when I finally got my 90 something brat in Assisted Living. You know it's not right. You are having accidents, forgetting things...sure signs of burn out. Get out a sheet of paper and list everything you do for them. Figure out what are WILLING and REASONABLY ABLE to do for the. On your terms. For example,don't run to the store at their whim. Set a day. Look at all these things. Is there anything that they can pay others to do? I forced my mother to accept lawn care and snow removal. It wasn't as expensive as we thought as long as she accepted it wouldn't be done her way. Sometimes there is inexpensive help from the Center for Aging, seldom free. Try to take one item off your to do list. Then another. Learn to say no. I know it's hard. You do have a right to your own life. It isn't either/or. You are not abandoning your parents if you help them find alternatives to you. If they are still with it, they might find some services themselves. You are the easy, comfortable way out for them. Who will do that for you, eh?

I understand your plight. Was there myself. Frankly, if someone is lucky enough to have both parents well into their 80s or higher it is a blessing.....but it's not all roses. There were quite a few times in my role as caregiver for both that I wondered if they would outlive me! It is exhausting. Each loved one ages in a complex manner unique to them. I guess that you need to be very honest with yourself. In my case, I had a taste of taking care of my very infirmed dad and forgetful and overwhelmed mom...part of which time my foot was in a cast. Dad ended up back in the hospital twice. On the second admission (fractured pelvis) and his subsequent difficulties in recovery and rehab, I received a call from rehab to address his discharge to home. I had a panic attack. Seriously, I think caregivers can suffer ptsd and that was me. I could have powered through those feelings or ignored them, but they were real and quite informative. Dad ended up staying in facility becoming a long-term resident. It really was the best thing for all three of us. Perfect, no, best, yes. My role as caregiver to each remained intense but sustainable. Soon, mom had a hospitalization and rehab stint and later a day surgery but she was able to remain living at home around the corner from dad for three more years. I felt with the new arrangement I had the energy to help each parent more effectively. Plus, I could take better care of me. So, when and if something occurs that allows one of your parents to stay in a rehab/nursing home, be prepared. Know which facility you prefer and be ready to request it in case they can't return home...and don't feel guilty if this is the path you must take. You want to be there in the best way you can for the duration and come out of this experience glad that you helped but healthy. Those things that you described, speeding tickets and all, are little messages that you need to change something. Good luck!

WOW. I have been in the same boat for so long! 90 Y/O Mom finally passed away a little over a year ago and 95 Y/O Dad just went two weeks ago. To say I am burnt out would be the understatement of the century. Dad went into assisted living/hospice care on a Thursday. He passed on Saturday AM. Now it is a fast and furious pace with the organizer cleaning out 65 years of accumulated junk so the house can be sold and I can get the heck outta Dodge and hopefully start to live my own life. Apart from the occasional scratcher, I’m not a gambling woman. But I said to my friends constantly “I bet you anything they’ll end up putting me in the ground.” I have rather severe mental and emotional issues. Their generation thought this stuff is made-up. Empathy?? NOOOOO! My mom would say “OH, FOR C__r__st’s SAKE!” and shoot me the hairy eyeball. Then luxuriate with bliss in her chair while I clipped her filthy long toe nails because she refused to let me take her for a pedicure. Please do what I did not - set boundaries. Learn the word NO. Practice the “let it rot” technique. Dad would have a peanut butter sandwich for dinner on nights when I’d tell him “I’m just too tired to go out.” No one ever starved to death from eating PB sandwiches once in awhile. I learned too little, too late. Now I’m trashed. Hopefully the house will be cleaned out and sell soon. It’s been a nightmare. I don’t wish this on anyone. And the people who would say “oh, you’re so blessed to still have your folks at this age?” I’ll leave it to your imagination what I wish I could have said or done. Jail is not my idea of retirement, LOL! Good luck. Stand up for YOURSELF. All the best to you and all of us in this boat.

Dear Sunset3339. We all get lost in all of this mess when it hits home. You're in it but your aren't handling well. You need to set back. Take a minute to relax. Take one thing at the time.
There are a lot of ways to help your parents.
First you need to find out how their financial situation is. If they have money saved in different ways or in different accounts. You're their daughter. You can ask the banks or investment institutions (Look for statements in cabby holes, trash cans. They don't save the important documents. They try to save what it only seems unthreatening to them, like offers of trinkets, quick turnout of investments, donation offers of little blessings etc. etc..
As myself I founded those and many more important documents as I said in a thrash bin ready to go to recycling) I believe by default the banks can inform you about about their accounts and the rest of the financial institutions as well.
Don't forget to find out if the house they have it's being paid off.. In overall find as much as you can about their economic status at the present. Before you do anything educate yourself on how to manage their finances..
There are many ways but the best way is to arrange it to be able to use primarily to better their lives and well-being.
To start with, you can consider seriously to placed them in a retirement home with assisted living. There is a lot of resources and people specialized in helping families, friends in charge of their parents or friends. I got a lot of help so I could provide help to my very elderly friends.
Get a Durable Power of Attorney. Talk to your parents about it. If they wouldn't listen request help from a lawyer (They give you sometime an hour of free time or less but you can have your questions ready to be ask.) In any case you can also make a complaint with the Elderly Protection Agency thru the office of Social Services in your area. I did it and they were able to guide my on how to do it.
Following step by step what Social Services told me on how to proceed I was able to place my elderly friends in a lovely Retirement home with assisted living. They love it!! It's the best way they can spend their money. They don't have much, but what they have can cover a couple of years of good living instead of living in a retched way, angry, lonely, neglected and sad.
Search in the web. Most retirement homes with assisted living have agents they can guide your for free. I was able to find an agent who got interested on helping me in every possible way so we could find the best place they could afford...
If they have a house. You can sale it and use the monies of the sale for their care.
There is an assured help if your parents don't have enough resources or financial income... You can call Social Services and they'll help you with the rest...
Still call Social Services in your area. They will guide you and stir you the right way.
I wish you the best of luck!!!

Same boat as the rest of you. The hardest thing I am facing about implosion is having to come to terms with my own mortality and sanity. Recognizing my love, caring, sense of responsibility, overwhelming helplessness cannot turn endless tides. And especially my guilt seems to be a quaint relic of times gone by because exhaustion, burnout, self-destruction and loathing (because I can’t do it anymore) have wiped out reason. Sometimes I have trouble on this site because so very many here have managed to carry on with hands-on, proximal care, while keeping some miraculous quasi-balance in their life and writing incredibly about their techniques. I just can’t do that (keep the balance).

Distance coordination of Dad’s (97) power outage almost two weeks ago changed me, when my 86-year-old husband cried out “I hope I get to outlive your father” [so we can know what life is like free of Dad’s daily crises]. After decades, days and hours of outreach phone calls, consultations with physicians, lawyers, government agents, Area Agency on Aging, county services, state services, neighbors, companies, social workers et al, our circumstance is that Dad will have to have a “medical incident” to force a change. He makes $200/month more than the threshold for Medicaid community care, and his VA benefit provides more coverage anyway. I have learned in our state, that we cannot afford to “place him” on our own. We need the magic “incident.” He will run out of money to stay at home with his caregivers in about a half a year. I’ve decided at that point I will turn him over to the county, with tears. I always feel guilty I don’t phone and visit him more often, but I shouldn’t and I can’t. I’ve had to depersonalize and compartmentalize him for my own sanity. I feel guilty, but I can’t give that guilt great authority while attempting to pre-plan for as many unknowns as I can dream of 24 hours/day.

My mother used to ask (in a bitter and threatening way when she had her breakdowns) – “What is love?” Now I get it. Love could be expressed as the best of the Soother’s/Fixer’s/Nurturer’s intentions. But just as we die alone, we lone wolf caregivers have to deal with expressing our love differently (or not much) because our intentions mean nothing where the rubber meets the pavement.

Give yourself the grace of time and space whenever you can, even 15 minutes parked in your locked car with a decent view. Try to weave in all the other suggestions such as prioritizing what is absolutely critical while separating priorities out from your emotions. Keep your love in your heart, locked up for safety, until the priorities are slowly addressed. Triage until a reasonable system is in place. Try to recognize manipulation and self-criticism. You deserve to get out of this trap. Keep coming back here. Sister -- hugs and regards to you.

Hi Sunset, I was in a similar less than 6 months ago. Physically I'll, trying to work, lots of Bill's. I have 2 sisters at a great distance and put out a call for help. They had never been involved. One came for 2 days! But, though she did not give any break, she made a comment that stuck with me and guided me to today. She said this place, my house with me, husband, both parents, and 2 dogs was like a mini holocaust. Demands were 24 hours a day. She was looking to see who could be saved and she realized mom and dad had had full long lives - 94 and 83. I'm 61 but have cared for parents for past 10 yrs and intermittently prior because I have medical training. Both sisters say they feel physically I'll just going in a hospital. Anyway, when she made that point I knew she was right in a metaphorical way. I had no control of the situation. It was getting worse daily. I had a risk of dying from the stress affects on me and then everyone else would fall apart too. They could not live alone, their resources were very limited. I had to do something. I called a place for mom about 1130 at night and a case manager actually called me then! Mom had specific medical needs and she made some calls for me! No one had done that. Everyone e looks have phone numbers and more things to do. I also called hospice and their SW came to evaluate next day. Consider these options. My friends now say I look 10 years younger! My health is better. Mom and dad in assisted living and when their sisters or brothers visit and complain, I say back that they can take over if they like. Mom and dad are safe now. I am safe now. Husband and dogs safe. That is what really matters. We don't get everything we want in life, so first strive for the basics. Your situation is not stable. You have permission to place your parents even if they are not happy about it. You may need to find an elder law attorney first to get the proper papers. I did. Found one with a flat yearly rate so all matters could be covered. The office had a senior advocate, a social worker and a certified veterans aid specialist. They were also a key to success because they came to house with needed papers and explained to my dad why papers were needing his signature. Amazing! They are still working veterans for funding sources and I do not have to. At first it was rough with facility calling with problems, but then ask them why they want you to do their job when they have eldercare expertise? You do not pay facilities for care when they expect you to be there all day or night or at every "crisis". They are old. They act like old people. Gotta run for now. Sending you virtual hugs and permission to let go. You will still be a great child by trying to do the right thing for ALL of you!

Find out if either of their diagnoses qualify for Hospice. They don't have to be dying in six months like a lot of people say and if they have an illness that qualifies, you will have extra people coming in every week to help. It's a great program and a big help to the caregiver!

Hi Sunset.
I'm in the same boat; I'm an only child, I myself am not in great health, I'm a writer on a very big deadline and when my mother had a catastrophic fall last year (it was inevitable; she's anorexic and hypochondriacal and delusional and a shopping addict, and refuses to take the bone building meds the doc has prescribed for her because she thinks they will impede her [former] career as a singer "star") I had to take 5 months off just to organize her care. I live 2 hours from her. It nearly killed me. On the one hand, she "apologizes" profusely for needing my focus on her. On the other hand, she lets me know in no uncertain terms that she "did" for me, and now it's my job to "do" for her. And it sounds like you're in the same place. All I can say to you is this, and it sounds very harsh: while we all want the best for our aging parents, it is important to remember two things --- first, if their care impacts our health in a potentially deadly way, that will leave them with no one. They don't honestly care too much about that because at the end of the day, they're like infants: they want what they want when they want it. (Mine will go out of her way to create problems, just so that I have to clean things up for her; she demands the attention.) Second --- the outcome; their outcome --- is going to be the same no matter what. You cannot save them. You can try to make the process easier, but unless you have a very rare sort of relationship with your aging parent, it will go unacknowledged because our culture believes that it is our moral duty to care for our aging parents, and I agree with that. Therefore, you have to do everything you can to take care of yourself. If they have the resources to hire a caregiver, step out of the picture and let them do so. If they refuse, that is not your problem. That is their problem. You can only do what you can do. Remember that. Love does not mean dying for them.

I love the two most important words you asked in your question here today. "Stop", and "take care" being the words, o.k. technically actually three.
Focus on them today, just today. You can pay a life coach but I imagine they would tell you to up and leave, and it sounds to me as if your love and nurturing instincts are what landed you as the care giver in the first place. I personally went through a car accident and other expensive MISHAPS during my time care giving my parents. So, slow down - focus - discuss with both of them what you CAN and CAN NOT DO for things to run smoothly.
Time to look up the laws and also insurances. Yes, it takes time, so try to do it early in day before you start their doctor's appointments, etc. Are you following me?
A white board helps - the Google Calendar is loaded (even now for myself caring for my older boyfriend) and if you just stick to a 3 to 5 day period of time - you can write the necessary details to be done, and update it with a quick wipe of the eraser. Your parents might appreciate seeing this rather than a printed schedule or your phone apps. I put ours right on frig or edge of the bed.
Make an hour a day for JUST YOU. Save all documents, you will find time to go through them later on, and keep writing to community blogs and newsletters anonymously for tips. I am not the sole answer. I hope you have STOPPED long enough to read this! Now, "take care" of your immediate needs (eat well, plan your sleep and most importantly exercise time just today!). God Bless.

I hate you are going through this.
I am with you- in the same situation. Only child, both parents ill- refusing for years to think of alternative living to accommodate their health issues. When assisted living was brought up 7 years ago, my father said he would rather die, be shot, etc.
I had aggressive breast cancer a year ago. It takes all I can to manage my own health appointments and endless scans. A father who used to be kind and thoughtful....Now dad could care less about me and I could tell him I have metastatic cancer and will die in 2 months.... he would be concerned over who will clean the bathroom.
I understand about just not wanting to wake up in the morning.
I am taking them today to tour an assisted living they may not be able to get into.
They have worn out their neighbors and friends.
Know I am giving you a cyber hug- and I am so sorry you are facing this. It feels so lonely feeling like you are the only one on the planet dealing with parents who expect an only child to do it all.